Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says:
"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps.
He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blond.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.
It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up, you know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says, ....oh God, she sounded sexy!!
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like for you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. You name it, we'll do it. Bring anything you want."
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
It was breakfast time at the Smiths' house. Linda turned to her husband Frank with an irritated look and said: "I bet you don't remember what today is!"
"Of course I remember!" declared Frank, and hastily left for work.
When he reached his office, he immediately went to his best friend's office and shouted: "Mark, you have to help me - I think it's my wife's birthday today and I completely forgot about it!"
Mark calmed him down and opined that he should send his wife several gifts throughout the day. "That way there is no way she'll realize you just remembered. Besides, pick the right gifts and you'll have a very happy woman on your hands..."
Frank immediately goes and does exactly that, sending his wife a beautiful dress, her favorite perfume and even some sexy lingerie, each delivered to the house every few hours.
When evening came, Frank return to the house beaming with pride, and met his wife standing with a huge smile on her face. "First the beautiful dress, then the perfume I like so much, and then even some sexy lingerie! You really surprised me my love!"
"Think nothing on it my love, happy-"
"I never thought I'd wear such beautiful clothes to pick my mother up from the airport!"
You may be getting older if...
When your spouse says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!”
When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
When going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
When you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
When getting a little action” means you don’t need to take any fiber today.
When “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
And of course - When an “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee!
Don't you work at Hooters? I tried to send you something sexy last night but the mailman told me to get out of the mailbox.
The Best Weight Loss Program
A guy heard about this amazing new weight loss company, all his friends tell him there's nothing like it for losing a quick 5 pound. He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old woman dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 lbs as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program." Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there, wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "If I catch you, you are mine."
Why are men sexier than women? You can't spell sexy without xy.
Wife Has Got a Whole New Dress
A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy): "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
Coffin will be closed.
A man, called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question but got the opposite advice.
"Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution to the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck." But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. "Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"
"Simple", replied the Priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
It was George the Mailman’s last day.
As he did his final rounds he reached the door of the first house and was greeted by an elderly couple who gave him a gift certificate. At the next house, the entire family gave him a set of fishing lures, and at the third house he received a box of fine cigars.
But at the next house he was greeted by a sexy blond wearing a skimpy negligee. Without a word, she signaled him to come inside. She gently took him upstairs and made mad passionate love to him. George certainly didn't mind.
She then led him downstairs where she made him a huge breakfast of toast, sausage, eggs and hash browns.
George was truly satisfied. As he leaned forward to get his second cup of coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup. Curious, he asks the blond, ”This is all wonderful and I appreciate everything..but…what’s the dollar for?”
“Oh,” says the blond, “I asked my husband last night what we should give you for your retirement.
He said ‘Screw him! Give him a dollar!’
She beamed at him. "The breakfast part was MY idea!”