A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No?"
"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."
And she didn't laugh a bit!
Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms."
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
It was a dark winter night, and among the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club's bouncer was surprised to see a man in an expensive suit and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand.
"Sir, are you lost?" asked the doorman.
"Oh, I'm the statistician." came the reply.
"Then, what are you here for?"
With an unsettling grin, the statistician pulls out a knife.
"Oh, just standard deviation."
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
The Mystery Beer
It was my first time visiting Dr. Putz for a colonoscopy. I went into his office for my very first rectal exam. His new blond nurse, Ethel, took me to an examining room. She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer.
When Dr. Putz finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse:
"Damn it, Ethel! I said a BUTT light."
What do a balloon and a man have in common? One prick pretty much ruins them.
The Overcrowded Bus
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded, and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus."
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."
Yo Mama so ugly her mama put rubber bands on her ears so that people would think that she was only wearing a mask.
I've Come to Teach You
A pretty blond woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse.
She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.
"Okay," she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her.
So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers."
She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
5 years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about 5 years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah", says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?"
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Then let's take these bloody things off!"
Wanna have a bath with me.. you can play with my rubber dickie.
The Balloon Family
There once lived a family of balloons, there was: A mommy balloon, a daddy balloon and a kid balloon.
Each night the kid balloon would get nightmares and go into the parents bed when they were asleep. The daddy balloon constantly told the kid balloon not to do this as it was disrupting his sleep schedule. But as the kid got older and older he began not to fit. So one night he released some air from mommy balloon. Then the next night: he released air from the daddy balloon. On the 3rd night he couldn't fit no matter how hard he tried, so he decided to release some air out of himself.
The next morning the father woke up enraged as he was still shattered from a sleepless night. He goes: 'Son, you've went to far... you've let me down, you've let your mom down, but most importantly son... you've let yourself down."
What does a balloon and a virgin have in common? One prick and their done.
IT vs. Management
A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in IT," says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."
The man below replies, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."