An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end.
Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer..."
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist? Place it in their bible.
The Pickle Factory Worker and His Urge
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my… umm… member into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh - she got fired too."
What did the penguin say after he went shopping? Put it on my bill.
The Rabbi, the Priest and the Restaurant Bill
A rabbi and a priest meet up after a year not seeing each other.
The rabbi goes: "Man, you've put on some weight since last time!"
Priest: "Yeah I know, it is a new technique I came up with. You go to a restaurant, eat as much as you can. When the bill comes, you tell them you already paid for it."
Rabbi: "Sure, but the waiter won't believe you, right?"
Priest: "Of course he won't. That's when you tell him how dare he doubt a man of faith? It usually works and you can leave without paying."
Rabbi: "Very nice, I'll be trying this."
Later that day, the rabbi goes to his favorite kosher restaurant. After eating 5 plates, the waiter comes up to him with the bill.
Rabbi: "Oh, I already paid."
Waiter: "Mmm, I'm pretty sure you did not sir."
Rabbi: "You know I'm a rabbi, how dare you doubt a man of faith? I told you, I already paid."
Waiter: "So sorry sir, you are right, it must be some misunderstanding, you're good to go."
15 minutes goes by and the rabbi is still at the table. 30 minutes... 45 minutes... 1 hour and he is still there! The waiter walks up to him: "Sir, why are you still here?"
Rabbi: "Well, I'm waiting for the change!"
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:
"If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash - twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream” – Bill Murray
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.” – Bill Vaughan
Now That's Crossing the Line
Three divorced men meet up and talk over beer.
"You know, I'm not really enjoying this whole divorced thing." Says Bill, sighing.
"Me too," says Sam, "I was sure I'd be sowing my wild oats by now! But I've had no wild adventures to speak of."
"I hear ya," says Jeremy, "I haven't had one exciting encounter. Even the women I do sleep with never offer anything new or exciting."
"Sounds like we all have the same problem," says Bill. "What do you say we find a brothel and make ALL of our fantasies come true?"
The three, now quite inebriated, all think this is an excellent idea, and follow Bill to the nearest brothel.
When they get there, Bill goes to the madam and tell her they'd all like to do something special and naughty.
She gives him a smile and a wink and all three are led by beautiful women away.
An hour later, Bill and Sam meet up in the lobby, both smirking.
"Wow," says Sam, "I just the time of my life! That wasn't bad at all!"
"You have no idea," grins Bill, "She catered to my every fantasy!"
Suddenly, they both hear a woman scream. "No... NO!! Anything but THAT!"
Rushing to see what the matter is, they find Jeremy getting dressed while his 'lady of the night' is screaming at him.
"Woah!" Says Bill, "What did you ask her to DO, you sick bastard?"
"I just asked if I could pay with discover."
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of a Mexican telecom tycoon, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Now, who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Pedro.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."
"Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up.
"Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinski, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running." Bill Dellinger
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly." Bill Kirby
You Can Tell It's Sunday
Bill and Marla thought that they had discovered a genius way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 12-year-old son in the apartment.
He was promptly sent out on the balcony and told to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are making love."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly, she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
An elderly pastor was searching in his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing three eggs and 100 $1 bills.
He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents.
Embarrassed, she admitted to having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage.
Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "Why?"
The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings.
He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings.
She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
The pastor felt that three poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for a dollar."
Two eighty year-old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a cafe, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you the thrill of your life."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again, and I'll do it again."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them had overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old timers at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 10 minutes of the most athletic love making the man has ever seen. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an entire hour.
The young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this - not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could make love like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves.
Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody make love like that, particularly at your age! What's your secret? Could you make love like that 50 years ago??"
The pensioner replies, "I don't think so, son. 50 years ago, that fence wasn't electrified!"
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill. Now I’m in arrears.
The Mailman's Last Day
It was George the Mailman’s last day.
As he did his final rounds he reached the door of the first house and was greeted by an elderly couple who gave him a gift certificate. At the next house, the entire family gave him a set of fishing lures, and at the third house he received a box of fine cigars.
But at the next house he was greeted by a sexy blond wearing a skimpy negligee. Without a word, she signaled him to come inside. She gently took him upstairs and made mad passionate love to him. George certainly didn't mind.
She then led him downstairs where she made him a huge breakfast of toast, sausage, eggs and hash browns.
George was truly satisfied. As he leaned forward to get his second cup of coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup. Curious, he asks the blond, ”This is all wonderful and I appreciate everything..but…what’s the dollar for?”
“Oh,” says the blond, “I asked my husband last night what we should give you for your retirement.
He said ‘Screw him! Give him a dollar!’
She beamed at him. "The breakfast part was MY idea!”
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
It's Wise to Listen to Directions...
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well... you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'
'You must pay first... Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while,the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says, here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex... You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things'
'Your call,' says the bartender... 'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the darn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks... But he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds.
Then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and blood all over his body.
He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'
The moral of the story? Listen carefully to the directions, and don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved!
The police detectives were having trouble determining whether or not their suspects were guilty. They just couldn't get them to confess. After hearing word of a telepath who is able to determine if any person brought before him committed a crime, they decide to consult him.
They bring the first suspect in, and instantly the man says, “This person has committed murder. He murdered a pizza man delivering to his house.” Speechless, the police start to think this man is the real deal. “He has to be telling the truth,” they say to each other. “We haven’t told him anything about the case.”
They bring another suspect in, and instantly the man says, “this man is innocent, and has committed no crimes. He was framed of burglary by his next door neighbor, Bill Summers.” The cops are dumbfounded. “How does he know? We haven’t told him anything about the case!”
The cops are a bit skeptical, and decide to make a little test. They bring in a beautiful woman they know to have not committed a felony.
An officer enters the room with her, and instantly the man says, “This woman has committed theft.” The officer, knowing this is a lie, tell the man, “We knew it! We brought her in to truly test your abilities, and clearly you're a fraud!” They dismiss the woman.
“I would catch up to her if I were you,” says the man.
“And why is that?” Asks the officer.
“Because she stole your wallet.”
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills? The Romans.
The Vet's Bill
A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet sighed, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with an old dog. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
He turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She said, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He said, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She said, "that's amazing! You can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter?
I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh that sounds like a Mastercard." He notes.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally toots. At first she is really embarrassed,
but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and said, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asked,
"Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replied, "Yes, Ma'am.
The rod and reel is $20.00,
but the Duck Call is $11.00 and
the Bear Repellent is $3.50."
She paid the bill…
People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms, so here's a list:
World Wide Wait
Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
Defective Operating System
Obsolete Soon 2
Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
I Blame Microsoft
Slow And Painful
Blue Screen of Death
Gradually Overcoming Our Ghastly Legal Environment
You Always Have Other Options
What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? a $100 bill.
The Panhandling Strategy
Jose and Carlos are panhandlers that panhandle in different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2-3 every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
One day, Carlos asked Jose: "I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"
"Look at your sign, what does it say?" replies Jose.
Carlos' sign reads: "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."
Jose says: "no wonder you only get $2-3."
'Carlos says: "So what does your sign say then?"
Jose shows Carlos his sign - it reads: "I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico."
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.
He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered." Said the woman. "Just take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery.
He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
The Generous Lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to YOU??"
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill. So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
The Elephant Scheme
A man visits a zoo and asks to speak to the director about the new "Rent-an-Animal" program. The zoo has fallen on hard times financially, so they decided to rent some of their animals outside the usual visitation hours. Usually its the small, cuddly ones, but this man asks for one of the elephants.
"An elephant?" The zoo director asks.
"Yes, the biggest one you have, please." the man says, quite certain.
"I mean, we can do that..." the director muses, "But it won't be cheap. That's $5,000 per day of rental alone and an additional $4,000$ for transportation. And you'll need to feed the elephant on your own bill, too."
"That will not be a problem." the man says. "I'll just need him for a day, so here's $10,000 for your troubles."
With that settled, the elephant gets transported to the mans address.
"Very good. Put him in the bedroom on the second floor", the man orders. The personnel tries to get the elephant into the house, but he just doesn't fit through the door. Without hesitation, the man calls a construction company and rents a crane to get the elephant up, through the dismantled window and then re-seal the window at horrifyingly high cost.
"You know what, it is none of my business", the zoo director asks at this point, "but I must know: What is all this for?"
"Well, you see", the man explains, "My wife's brother is living with us and he's a horrible know-it-all. Every quiz show we watch, he blurts out the answers before we can even take a guess. Every morning, he solves our crossword puzzles. He has beaten me fifteen times in a row at Trivial Pursuit.
But this evening... This evening he will go upstairs, come back down and say: 'Hey, guess what, there's an elephant in my bedroom.' And I won't even look up from my book and just say 'Yes I know.'"
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick? "Put it on my bill."
Everything For $1
A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar.
He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!
The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00
He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."
"Well," said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"
"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager.
"Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls."
Bill wandered into Max’s pawnshop and placed a coat on the counter.
“How much will you give me for this?”
Max checked the coat for a second. “$20, and that’s the best offer.” he replied.
“But that coat is worth $100." argued Bill.
Max was adamant. “$20 or nothing.”
“Are you sure that’s all it’s worth?” pressed Bill.
“Positive. That's the best price you'll get for it.”
“Okay,” said Bill. "Here’s $20. The coat was hanging in your doorway and I was wondering how much it was worth.”
Two college students, Desmond and Kurt, were walking on the pavement when they were approached by a beggar asking for money.
Kurt tries to shoo him away, but Desmond takes out his wallet, pulls out a few bills and hands them to the beggar.
The beggar thanks him and moves on.
Kurt is annoyed by his friend's act of charity. "Why the hell did you do that? You know he's only going to use it on alcohol or drugs!"
Desmond laughs: "What...and we weren't?"
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.” ― Bill Murray
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.” ― Bill Murray
A Quarter in Heaven
A quarter dies and goes to heaven.
At his arrival at the gates of heaven, the Lord himself welcomes him while angels play the trumpets. The quarter doesn't believe his eyes as he is being given the most beautiful cloud of all whith riches and food and honey for eternity.
The next day the one hundred dollar bill dies. He also rises to heaven but their doesn't appear to be anyone. He pushed the gate open by himself but behind it is nobody but one angel playing on his phone. The one hundred dollar bill asks for his cloud but is given a little filthy grey rainy cloud. As he tries to make himself comfortable in which is doesn't succeed, he sees the quarter on his right partying with all the angels at his enormous white cloud.
Upset he goes to God himself to complain. "Why does the quarter get the best cloud while I get this stormy trash? I'm more valuable, right?", asks the one hundred dollar bill.
But God responds: yeah, but you we didn't see that much in church.
Two little old ladies, Connie and Evelyn, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The short one, Connie, leaned over and said: “Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!”
“You're on!” said Evelyn, holding up a $10 bill.
So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then, completely naked, streaked through the front door.
Her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
“What happened?” asked Evelyn.
“I won $1,000 as first prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'...”
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice? Cold, hard cash!
The Hilarious Lines of Tommy Cooper
When I was a kid, I went to a psychiatrist for one of those aptitude tests. On the desk, he put a pitchfork, a wrench, and a hammer and he said to the nurse: ‘If he grabs the pitchfork, he’ll become a farmer. If he grabs the wrench, he’ll be a mechanic, and if he takes the hammer, he’ll be a carpenter.’
I grabbed the nurse...
The town was so dull, one day the tide went out and it never came back.
Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question: ‘Guess who I ran into.’
A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to £3. The manager said: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the piano and you only charge £3?’
He said: ‘What?’
A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: ‘Did you put anything on it?’ I said: ‘No, he liked it as it was.’
My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says: ‘Oh, do it yourself!’
My wife does her own decorating, but she overdoes it. The other day I opened the fridge and there was a lampshade on the lightbulb.
I swam the English Channel once.
‘But a lot of people have swum the Channel.’
She’s always smiling. She’s the only girl I know whose teeth are sunburnt.
A leopard went to see a psychiatrist. He said: ‘Every time I look at my wife, I see spots before my eyes.’
The psychiatrist said: ‘That’s only natural.’ The leopard said: ‘But, doctor, she’s a zebra.’
A drunk was brought into a police station. He pounded his fist on the counter and said: ‘I want to know why I’ve been arrested.’ The sergeant said: ‘You have been brought in for drinking.’ He said: ‘Oh, that’s all right, then. Let’s get started!’
I always sit in the back of a plane. It’s much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!
What did the duck say when the waitress came? Put it on my bill.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came? Put it on my bill!
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? "Put it on my bill."
Why did the duck go to the bank? Because he wanted to get a new bill.
The $50 Lemonade Stand
A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade
“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?” a little girl calls to him.
The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”.
“Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.”
The little girl shakes her head. “Nope, fifty bucks mister. I need the money for Space Camp!”
The stockbroker pause for a minute, because he appreciates a good hustle but clearly this kid is going about it the wrong way. “Look sweetie, I know you’re trying to make money but you have to charge what people are willing to pay. No one is going to pay that much for a tiny cup of lemonade. Now what do you think is a fair price?”
The little girl beams and says “Fifty bucks mister!”
The stockbroker gives a little sigh and shakes his head. “Okay I’m gonna pass. You see? You can’t make a profit when no one pay your price. Now do you have anything else for sale?”
“Homemade brownies, 50 cents!”
The stockbroker winces in frustration. “OK look, I studied economics at Harvard and I got my MBA from Wharton so I’m going to teach you a little about business, okay? Now each of your little cups of lemonade probably costs you about fifty cents including the margin cost of your stand.” He takes out a dollar. “I’ll pay you ten times that much because I want to help you understand about markup.”
The little girl shakes her head and smiles. “No thanks, mister. Fifty bucks please!”
“You know what? I give up. Take this dollar and I’m going to buy two of your brownies, I know you’re losing money on them, and I’m not going to buy a single cup of your overpriced lemonade. I’m trying to be nice and teach you about business but I guess this is the only way for you to learn a lesson.”
“Okay!” The girl takes the dollar and puts ten brownies on a plate.
Just to make the point, the stockbroker decides to eat one of the brownies right in front of her. Suddenly he begins coughing and gagging uncontrollably. “Oh my God…what is…what did you put in these?”
She grins happily and says “It’s my special recipe! Eggs, flour, butter, cocoa, sawdust and goat pellets!”
“This is horrible! I have to get this taste out of my mouth!”
The little girl takes out a jar full of $50 bills, cocks her head to the side and says through a beaming grin, “Ya want some lemonade?”
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
Living the Dream
Two old friends caught up for lunch. Jake and Oliver hadn't seen each other for over twenty years.
"How have you been?" Oliver asked.
"I've been good" Jake said, ordering from the menu "I'm married with two great kids. Work is a bit dull but it pays the bills. How about you, how have you been?"
Oliver puffed up his chest in pride "Well, I've been great! I've spent the last twenty years living the dream. Moved out from living with my parents early. I was lucky to be in a privileged position that I didn't need to find work. I've spent most of time with hobbies like reading and going to the gym. Money hasn't been too much of an issue for me either. And the action! I wasn't much of a player when I was younger. But I have been getting laid consistently. Every single day."
Jake couldn't help but listen and feel a bit envious about Oliver living the good life for the past 20 years.
The two friends parted after lunch.
Later that night Jake was having dinner with his family when the phone rang.
"Excuse me, is this Jake?" a voice asked.
"Yes it is, how can I help you?" Jake replied.
"I'm trying to track down Oliver. You're listed as one of his contacts" the voice continued.
"Okay"... Jake asked confused "Can I ask who this is?"
"This is Oliver's parole officer."
Bill Gates dies and for some reason goes to hell for some reason.
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you.
This will be your home for all eternity. You've been greedy all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table.
To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Asmodeus..
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Asmodeus.
"Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?" asked Asmodeus.
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Control, Alt and Delete!"
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good-looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"Can I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No, I must see Natalie" was the man's reply.
Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row-too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really?" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance. Hope you enjoy it."
A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost 24 hours on the road, they're felt too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room, but they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."