A story I'll tell of a burglar bold
Who started to rob a house;
He opened the window, and then crept in
As quiet as a mouse.
He looked around for a place to hide,
'Till the folks were all asleep,
Then said he, "With their money
I'll be a quiet sneak."
So under the bed the burglar crept;
He crept up close to the wall;
He didn't know it was an old maid's room
Or he wouldn't have had the gall.
He thought of the money that he would steal,
As under the bed he lay;
But at nine o'clock he saw a sight
That made his hair turn gray.
At nine o'clock the old maid came in;
"I am so tired," she said;
She thought that all was well that night
So she didn't look under the bed.
She took out her teeth and her big glass eye,
And the hair from off her head;
The burglar, he had forty fits
As he watched from
under the bed.
From under the bed the burglar crept,
He was a total wreck;
The old maid wasn't asleep at all
And she grabbed him by the neck.
She didn't holler, or shout or call,
She was as cool as a clam;
She only said, "The Saints be praised,
At last I've got a man!"
From under the pillow a gun she drew,
And to the burglar she said,
"Young man, if you don't marry me,
I'll blow off the top of your head!"
She held him firmly by the neck,
He hadn't a chance to scoot;
He looked at the teeth and the eye and said,
"Madam, for Pete's sake, SHOOT!"
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she purrs, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman, evidently getting a bit hot under the collar by this point. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, touching his lips.
"Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' room."
You may think these limericks are crass and throw me a comment to sass but I will agree to some degree and I’ll still show you the crack of my ass
The limerick is an art form complex Whose contents run chiefly on s*x. It deals with virgins And masculine urgins for vulgar erotic effects.
The George and Dragon
A tourist driving across rural England decided to stay the night in a small town.
The only place with rooms available was a quaint English pub, The George and Dragon, which had a lovingly painted sign with a Knight beside a defeated dragon blowing in the evening breeze.
Entering the bar room, which while empty had a roaring fire against the back wall, leather padded booths, and a mahogany bar with brass rails, polished to a shine, they went up to the bar and asked for a room.
"Rooms cost £20 per night, we don't accept euros, and you must be out by 7am tomorrow, or else you pay for both days."
"Alright then, could I get something to eat ma-"
"Kitchen closed at 6, and I am not going back there until 11am tomorrow, no matter what you say. Anything else?"
"Yes, could I please talk to George?"
An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees a nearby alien and asks, "where's the pub?"
The alien gurgles back but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, "just around the corner!"
The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it! It's labelled "The Keyboard" and he asks the bouncer, "Why is it called the Keyboard?"
The bouncer replies, "the boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he's the bartender."
So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender.
"Excuse me, do you own this pub?" The astronaut says.
"I do." The bartender gurgles back.
"Why is it called the Keyboard?" The man asks.
"Well," the alien gurgles in reply, "since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name!"
The astronaut is on the edge of his seat...
"The reason it's called the Keyboard is because it's a space bar."
An American walks into an Irish pub.
He asks the patrons, "I'll bet $500 that none of you can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes."
People raise their heads, but ignore the absurd bet and go back to drinking and merrymaking, except an Irishman who leaves the bar.
Some time passes and the Irishman comes back to the pub and approaches the American.
"Is yer bet still on the table?"
The American replies, "Sure it is! Bartender, get this man his drinks."
The bartender lines up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar.
The Irishman starts drinking and drinks up all the Guinness in less than 5 minutes.
Astonished, the American hands over the money and asks, "Well, may I ask where you went earlier? Did you go to prepare in some ancient Irish way?"
"Nah. I went to the pub next door first to see if I could do it."
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.” “Pop!” goes the weasel..
Pub and Sausage
Sean and Mickey are planning to go out on St. Patrick's Day, but only have 50 cents between them.
Sean has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Mickey, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage.
Mickey is really pissed off at first that Sean spent their last money on a sausage, but Sean lets him in on his plan.
"We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it."
So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Sean suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out.
Sean says: "see it works, we didn't pay did we?"
As Sean's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it.
By the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Mickey isn't looking to good. They have just finished their pints.
Mickey: "I can't do this anymore Sean my bloody knees are hurting like heck."
Sean: "No worries mate... I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!"
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar.... No Joke.
An Irishman Gets Pulled Over
An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening".
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
There once was a man from Peru, his limericks always end on line two.
There was a young man from Lahore Whose limericks stopped at line four. When asked why this was, He responded, "Because."
Limericks I cannot compose, With noxious smells in my nose. But this one was easy, I only felt queasy, Because I was sniffing my toes.
There was a young woman named Jenny Whose limericks were not worth a penny. Oh, the rhyme was all right, And the meter was tight, But whenever she tried to write any, She always wrote one line too many!
There once was a poet named Bates Whose limericks were never that great His first lines weren't bad But the problem he had Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
The Case of the Town's Gossip
Mildred, the local gossip and self appointed keeper of the church’s morals, kept poking her nose into other people’s business.
Several members of the church did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but kept to themselves in fear of reprisal.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new member, Sam, of being an alcoholic after seeing his old pickup parked outside the town’s only pub one afternoon.
She emphatically told Sam and several others of the congregation that by seeing his car there, everyone would know exactly what he was doing.
Sam, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Sam quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house...and left it there all night.
Three guys are drinking at a bar and talking about their favorite bars.
The first guy says, 'As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink.'
'Well,' said the second man, "At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.'
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the third guy, 'Back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!'
The first two guys lift their eyebrows in suspicion. 'Yea right,' says the first guy, 'there is no bar that good.'
The man swore every word was true.
Then the second man asked, 'Come ON, be real. Did this actually happen to you?'
'Well. Not to me, personally, no.' admitted the man, "But it did happen to my sister quite a few times."