A woman makes a new friend at the gym, a beautiful woman. A few months later, she gets a wedding invitation. Excited, she asks her friend if this is her first marriage.
"Fourth, actually." Says the other woman .
Her friend says, "Fourth?? How.. how wonderful." Curiosity gets the better of her and she asks, "I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first three husbands?"
The woman replies, "First one ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic!" she gasps. "What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." the woman replies.
Feeling shocked, "Oh, how terrible! I am almost afraid to ask you about your third husband. Did he eat poison mushrooms, too?" she asks.
"Oh, no. He died of a broken neck." Came her reply.
Her friend asks, "A broken neck?"
The woman calmly looks at her and says, "He wouldn’t eat his mushrooms.."
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said: “How well can you do?”
“Ummm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine."
Three married men are sitting in a pool club and arguing over who has the worst marriage.
One of the men says, “I have it the worst. My prudish wife won’t sleep with me more than once a month!. She refuses!"
The other men shake their heads. One of them asks, “what did you do about it?”
The man says “I slept with that horny blonde over there by the pool table. Unlike my wife, she’ll do anything.”
The men laugh.
The second man says, “You think that’s bad? My uptight wife won’t even sleep with me once a year!"
The other men shake their heads and one of them asks, “so, what did you do about it?”
The man says “I got my rocks off with that same slutty blonde over there by the pool table. She’ll literally do any guy."
The men laugh, then the third man says, “That too bad for you guys, but honestly, I definitely have it the worst.”
The men say, “what’s the problem with your wife?”
The man says, “Well for one, she’s always down here playing pool...”
There are three stages of lovemaking after marriage:
Tri-weekly. Try weekly. Try weakly.
After 20 years of marriage, I still get blow jobs. If my wife finds out, she'll f**king kill me.
My Dear, Let Me Confess
An old football player was dying.
So he called his wife and told her: "My dearest you see I'm dying. I must confess. I cheated on you twice throughout our marriage. Please forgive me."
His wife says: "I forgive you my love. But I have to confess, I too have cheated on you, 3 times."
"Three you say?" Said the husband, feeling like she cheated a bit more than him. "Who were they?"
"Well," said his wife sweetly.
"Do you remember it was so difficult to admit you as a football player in the team? So I went to the couch and did something. That was the cause for you to be a player in the team."
Her husband was alarmed but he was thankful she did it for him. "Who else?"
"Well, do you remember when you entered the team no body didn't pass you? I went to 10 others players so they changed a friendly treatment during half times."
"You did WHAT?!" He spluttered.
She continue, "And do you remember during matching nobody in town encouraged you? Well.."
At St. Peter's Catholic Church, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?
Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go picka her up."
Marriage is an exciting part of our life. The vows we made on our wedding day really did mean the world to us, and we thought the blessed joy of matrimony would never die. However, once we are married, that thrill does dip - let's be honest about it!
The hilarious joke below makes this truth perfectly clear - read it top to bottom. When you're finished - read it bottom to top!
Husband: At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife: Do you want me to leave?
Husband: No! Don't even think that.
Wife: Do you love me?
Husband: Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife: Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband: No! Why are you even asking?
Wife: Will you kiss me?
Husband: Every chance I get!
Wife: Will you hit me?
Husband: Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife: Can I trust you?
Wife: Oh my Darling!
This was BEFORE the wedding.
To see what happens AFTER the wedding, read from end (bottom) to start (top) ...
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the other dolls.'
A husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad". I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you".
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter,a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and one said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too!"
A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game.
After answering all the questions, there is a tie.
So both are given one final assignment.
It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu".
It is city in Africa.
The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:
"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "
The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory.
But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three women cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
A Wife at the Strip Club
After 20 years of marriage, a wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday. She figures there's no harm in it if she's there with him, after all.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a glass of red wine.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink that?"
"She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real witch tonight, Dave."
A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary.
Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.
When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared. He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.
The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband.
Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.
The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger. The genie smiled and...
Instantly he turned 93 years old.
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place.
When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.
When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife.
Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.
She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing."
"Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "Our problems are over, there's no way they will fail to find us now!"
Two florists recently got married. It was an arranged marriage.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary: Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school.
There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he'd carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet.
She quickly picked it up, but they didn't know what to do with it, so they took it home. There, she counted the money - it was $50,000!
The husband said: "We've got to give it back". "Finders keepers!" his wife said, and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home.
One knocked on the door and said: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
"No." She said.
The husband said: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She said: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile," but the agents sat the man down and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man said: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..."
At this, the FBI guy looked at his partner and said: "We're outta here!"
An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them.
His friend asks him afterward, “How did it go?”
He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to see how they spend it. I said surprise me when we meet after a week.”
Friend: “Okay, that’s weird...But what happened when you met them after a week?”
He says: “The first girl bought some new clothes, make-up, and jewelry and said she wanted to look good for me.”
“The second girl bought a new watch for me, and said it is your money, and I wanted to give something nice to you.”
“Third girl didn’t bring anything, but said she opened an investment account, which will help grow this money and help us in the future.”
Friend asked with utmost curiosity: “Well, whom are you marrying then??”
“The one with the big boobs”.
After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her carefully, then said, "You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
"What does that mean?" she asked suspiciously.
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!"
She beamed at him happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?"
"I'm Just Kidding!"
(The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).
An elderly pastor was searching in his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing three eggs and 100 $1 bills.
He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents.
Embarrassed, she admitted to having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage.
Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "Why?"
The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings.
He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings.
She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
The pastor felt that three poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for a dollar."
The animal I really dig,
Above all others is the pig.
Pigs are noble. Pigs are clever,
Pigs are courteous. However,
Now and then, to break this rule,
One meets a pig who is a fool.
What, for example, would you say,
If strolling through the woods one day,
Right there in front of you you saw
A pig who'd built his house of STRAW?
The Wolf who saw it licked his lips,
And said, 'That pig has had his chips.'
'Little pig, little pig, let me come in!'
'No, no, by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!'
'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!'
The little pig began to pray,
But Wolfie blew his house away.
He shouted, 'Bacon, pork and ham!
Oh, what a lucky Wolf I am!'
And though he ate the pig quite fast,
He carefully kept the tail till last.
Wolf wandered on, a trifle bloated.
Surprise, surprise, for soon he noted
Another little house for pigs,
And this one had been built of TWIGS!
'Little pig, little pig, let me come in!'
'No, no, by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!'
'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!'
The Wolf said, 'Okay, here we go!'
He then began to blow and blow.
The little pig began to squeal.
He cried, 'Oh Wolf, you've had one meal!
Why can't we talk and make a deal?
The Wolf replied, 'Not on your nelly!'
And soon the pig was in his belly.
'Two juicy little pigs!' Wolf cried,
'But still I'm not quite satisfied!
I know how full my tummy's bulging,
But oh, how I adore indulging.'
So creeping quietly as a mouse,
The Wolf approached another house,
A house which also had inside
A little piggy trying to hide.
'You'll not get me!' the Piggy cried.
'I'll blow you down!' the Wolf replied.
'You'll need,' Pig said, 'a lot of puff,
And I don't think you've got enough.'
Wolf huffed and puffed and blew and blew.
The house stayed up as good as new.
'If I can't blow it down,' Wolf said,
I'll have to blow it up instead.
I'll come back in the dead of night
And blow it up with dynamite!'
Pig cried, 'You brute! I might have known!'
Then, picking up the telephone,
He dialed as quickly as he could
The number of red Riding Hood.
'Hello,' she said. 'Who's speaking? Who?
Oh, hello, Piggy, how d'you do?'
Pig cried, 'I need your help, Miss Hood!
Oh help me, please! D'you think you could?'
'I'll try of course,' Miss Hood replied.
'What's on your mind...?' 'A Wolf!' Pig cried.
'I know you've dealt with wolves before,
And now I've got one at my door!'
'My darling Pig,' she said, 'my sweet,
That's something really up my street.
I've just begun to wash my hair.
But when it's dry, I'll be right there.'
A short while later, through the wood,
Came striding brave Miss Riding Hood.
The Wolf stood there, his eyes ablaze,
And yellowish, like mayonnaise.
His teeth were sharp, his gums were raw,
And spit was dripping from his jaw.
Once more the maiden's eyelid flickers.
She draws the pistol from her knickers.
Once more she hits the vital spot,
And kills him with a single shot.
Pig, peeping through the window, stood
And yelled, 'Well done, Miss Riding Hood!'
Ah, Piglet, you must never trust
Young ladies from the upper crust.
For now, Miss Riding Hood, one notes,
Not only has two wolfskin coats,
But when she goes from place to place,
She has a PIGSKIN TRAVELING CASE.
It was 1832, and three women of different ages were walking back to their small farming village. They were carrying their shopping from the market from the next town.
As they draw nearer to their village, they turn a bend in the road and suddenly hear a mumble from what they thought was a pile of mud. They cautiously moved closer to the sound, and in the golden light of the setting sun, they saw that indeed it was a mud puddle, but with a naked man lying face down in the puddle, with his head just out of it.
"Could be someone from the village." Said the first woman.
"We should check and help them back, they could freeze when night comes." Said the second woman.
However, his face was so covered with mud she couldn't tell.
"Turn him over." Said the third, older woman matter-of-factly.
The other two use their feet to gingerly turn the man over. Then let their eyes go downwards.
"Well," said the first woman dryly, "He's not my husband, that's for sure."
The second woman looks over her shoulder and says: "Yep, that's not your husband."
The third woman takes a closer look and straightens with a curse.
"Don't worry girls, he's not even from our village."
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. Clint Eastwood
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. Rodney Dangerfield
50 Years Together
An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing.
Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs. When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, and goes back to her knitting.
Her husband, puzzled, asks, "What was that for?"
She replied, "That was for 50 years of bad se*."
He goes back to his newspaper, but a few minutes later, he looks at his wife and whacks her across the head.
The wife, also puzzled asks him, "What was that for?"
Not looking up from his newspaper, the husband answers, "That is for knowing the difference."
1. Arnold Schwarzenegger: "I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman."
2. Mariah Carey: "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
3. Brooke Shields: "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
4. Paris Hilton: "What's Walmart, do they sell, like, wall stuff?"
5. Jessica Simpson: "Is this chicken what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna but it says Chicken by the Sea."
6. Britney Spears: "I get to go overseas places, like Canada."
7. Britney Spears again: "I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa."
8. George W. Bush: "Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?"
9. Alicia Silverstone: "I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
10. Victoria Beckham: "I don't know much about football. I know what a goal is, which is surely the main thing about football."
11. David Beckham: "I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."
12. Axl Rose: "It's really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people."
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
Whats the difference between love and marriage? Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
What's the cure for marriage? Alcoholism.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
What kind of institution is Marriage? One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is like a game of poker. At first you have two hearts and a diamond. By the end all you want is a club and spade.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’ Her husband replies, ‘Why not? I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
When god gave out bodies, he did it in alphabetical order. GOD: And to you, horse, I give you a golden mane, great strength and speed, and a giant gait. You will be the noblest of beasts, and men will love you.
HORSEFLY (next in line): Oh man this is gonna be gooood.
What Would Tiger Woods Do?
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed and just about ready to consummate their marriage when the new bride says to the husband: "I have a confession to make - I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yea... I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone goes back to bed and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
A traveler once visited a small village in the countryside. At the local bar, someone asked him if he was married. "I'm divorced, actually. Never could find a woman I didn't end up fighting with all the time," he replied.
The local man said: "Then you should go talk to the old couple that lives on the hill outside the village. Rumor has it that they've been married over 60 years and they've never fought this whole time."
"What?? That's impossible! Everyone has fights!" Exclaimed the traveler. But the local swore to him it was the truth and nothing but.
The traveler just had to check it out, and in the morning he knocked on the door of the little house on the hill and was immediately welcomed by the husband, who invited him in for tea. After the traveler explained why he came to see him, the man smiled and nodded.
"It's true. We never fight."
"PLEASE," begged the traveler, "can you tell me your secret?"
"Well," said the old man, "it all started about 60 years ago, right after the wedding. We were riding our mule back to town and walking it down the street when it tripped over a stone and my wife said to him: 'That's one.'
"We kept riding and he tripped again on another stone, which made my wife immediately say: 'That's two.'
"Two minutes later, the mule trips over a stone again. My wife said: 'That's three.'
She pulled out a gun I never knew she had and shot it in the head without thinking twice!
I was shocked and yelled at her: 'What the heck do you think you're doing? We needed that mule! Are you crazy?!'
"My wife looked me straight in the eye and said: 'That's one.'
"And we haven't had a fight since."
A mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Pete in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found??
"Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Tim McDurmt in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Come now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "There now Pete, you see? I told you there must be a simple explanation!
"Well, WHAT is it?" Fumed Pete.
"She never got your E-mail!"
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone? A golden receiver.
The Cat Poem
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
and sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
and someone nice to scratch my back,
for windowsills all warm and bright,
for shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay cool,
and keep the secret feline rule,
To never tell a human that
the world is really ruled by cats!
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce.
He asks her: "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. Damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
Three house pets - a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat - all die and go to heaven. As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.
God turns to the dog and says "The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate principles? What do you believe in?"
The dog says "I believe in loyalty, companionship, and love. I have been a cherished part of my owners family for many years."
God smiles. "Truly, you have a pure and loving heart. You shall sit at my right hand."
He then turns to the parakeet. "What do you believe in?"
"I believe in color, flamboyance, and music," the parakeet says. "For many years I have displayed my beautiful feathers and filled my owner's house with song."
"Your beauty is truly magnificent," God says. "And your song shall echo through the universe. You shall sit at my left."
God finally turns to the house cat. "And you, majestic little predator, what do you believe in?"
The cat lazily surveys God's throne and says, "I believe you are in my seat."
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
The Rules of the Marriage
A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s*x here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."
Once there were three men, Charlie, Mason and Buck, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around Heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."
St. Peter looked at Charlie and said, "You, Charlie, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge."
Next, St. Peter looked at Mason and said, "You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."
St. Peter finally looked at Buck, and said, "You, Buck, have set a fine example. You did not have s*x until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."
A short time later, Mason and Buck pulled up in their cars next to Buck's Ferrari, and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.
"What's wrong, Buck?" they asked.
"You got a Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?"
Buck looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to make love to, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to make love, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to make love to ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to make love, reach over and pull on my penis fifty times."
Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.
He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said, "I've been thinking. There's no reason we can't go for a month."
So Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a box of condoms. When he returned, his wife said, "You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask.
"You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30 years. I certainly don't mean to pry into your marriage, but if it makes you that sick, why the heck do you do it?"
I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw.
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell.
How did it get so late so soon? It’s night before it’s afternoon.
December is here before they year's grown,
My goodness, how the time has flown.
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass!
Roses are red, Violets are yellow, I’m hoping this poem, Will get me a fellow
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Please keep your flowers, And your poems too.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, You thought this was a love poem, Now the joke is on you.
Roses are red violets are blue. I hate poems even more than I hate you.
What Marriage Teaches You
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Susan was asked to give her friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Susan, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your husband?"
Susan responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all.
It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
To keep your marriage brimming With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.
Funny Poems Page 1
One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:
Briefcase with an Engine Poet: John McLeod
Fit your briefcase with an engine Go skateboarding in the sun Loop the loop, do aerobatics, Laugh a lot and have great fun!
'Cook a snook' at paper empires Save a forest, every tree And remember, above all, To do it happily!
It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!
Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say
King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown. "Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown." Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar, The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar. "Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution! Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?" The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math. His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath. He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in. He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin. "The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know When any golden solid has a density too low!" "Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind". Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!
(by Robert Z)
Their 40th Anniversary
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
"Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks.
"Not really," says Mary.
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.
"No," she responds.
"Would some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?" he asks, becoming slightly exasperated.
"Nah..." she shrugs.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he persists.
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what WOULD you like?" John asks.
"I want a divorce." answers Mary.
Sorry," John sighed. "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
During King Solomon's reign, there was a handsome, successful young man who was wanted by all the young maidens in the kingdom. This young man was certainly aware of his advantages, and he would go wild with different girls and promise each of them the whole world. While most of the ladies knew he could not be trusted, two young women took his words seriously and announced to their family that they were going to marry the most successful and beautiful man in the kingdom.
The rumors of the marriage spread, and the two mothers of the young women who heard that someone else would marry the wanted man began to quarrel over the fate and future of their daughters. After failing to settle the dispute, the two mothers decided to go to King Solomon, the wisest man, and ask him to decide which of their daughters would marry the boy.
They dragged the young man to court and made their claims to the wise king. Solomon listened to them patiently, and after they finished he ordered, "Bring me the greatest sword in the palace, I will split the man in two, and each woman will receive half of him!"
The first mother looked rather indifferent and said, "Bring him the sword."
The other mother, who was shocked by the order, yelled, "Your majesty, remove the command, I will give up the groom-only do not spill his blood!"
King Solomon looked at the two women with a big smile and said, "The first mother’s daughter will marry the young man!"
The confused court clerk turned to Solomon and said, "My wise king, aren’t you confused? The first mother was willing to cut that young man into two!"
"Right!" King Solomon replied, "This proves that she is worthy of being his real Mother in law!"
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
Grounds for Divorce
A Polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasn't very good, they got along very well.
One day he rushes into a lawyer's office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions:
"Have you any grounds?"
"Yes, an acre and half and nice little home."
"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It made of concrete."
"I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have carport, and not need one."
"I mean what are your relations like?"
All my relations still in Poland.
"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."
"Does your wife beat you up?"
"No, I always up before her."
"Why do you want this divorce?"
"She going to kill me."
"What makes you think that??"
"I got proof."
"What kind of proof?"
"She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before." So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
The Smartphone Poem
My new phone is "smart." I guess that I'm not.
Amazing what all this here smart phone has got.
TV and Weather and Internet, too.
There's just no limits to what it can do.
Check my blood pressure and my temperature
Without even probing all my apertures.
I now know the time in Paris or Greece.
I can track the migration of thousands of geese
Or find Chinese food; it's here on this map.
Oops, my finger just slipped, now where was that at?
A camera...a CAMERA! Now I can take shots
Of everyone I know (who'd rather I not).
Push this here button and take me a "selfie."
(If it had a nose would this thing take a "smellfie"?)
Email to pester with, video to shoot,
Maps to drive 'round with, wow that's a hoot!
A compass to guide me home if I'm lost.
Thank God work paid for this thing (what it COSTS!).
The things that it does would amaze Mr. Bell.
What he would have thought of it, no one can tell,
But one question's still stuck in my middle-aged craw.
Despite all the gizmos that strike me with awe,
They're fun and they're useful and "techy" and all
...But how do I just simply make a phone call?
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about making love?” he asked, rather tentatively.
“I would like it infrequently,” she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered: “Is that one word or two?”