A little old lady checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely.
She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six-pack abs, and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his butt.
The old lady figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. She gave him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"
Oh my, he sounded sooo sensual! Thought the old lady. Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I want is s*x. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" asked the old lady.
"That sounds absolutely fantastic, madam, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
When I got home from camp today, My parents almost died. They asked me how I got this way, And here's what I replied:
This little cast from heel to hip Is nothing much at all. Some broken shingles made me slip From off the dining hall.
The poison ivy's not too bad. It missed my back and chest. Of course, I guess I oughta add Mosquitoes got the rest.
I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts And cracked a tooth or two. And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts? I haven't got a clue.
I got the lump that's on my head From diving in the lake. I should've watched for rocks instead Of grabbing for the snake.
That leaves this bandage on my chin And these three finger sprains, Along with lots of sunburned skin And sniffles from the rains.
I also got a muscle cramp And very nearly drowned. It's some terrific summer camp, The coolest one around.
(By Richard Thomas)
The Ultimate Cure
A pharmacist comes back from his lunch to the pharmacy.
As he approaches, he sees a man outside the pharmacy clutching onto a pole for dear life, barely breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen.
The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?"
"Yes he was." Replies the assistant. "He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help."
"Well, he seems to be fine now."
"Sure he does. I gave him a box of laxatives. Now he won't dare cough!"