It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of a Mexican telecom tycoon, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Now, who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Pedro.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."
"Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up.
"Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinski, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Sean and Mickey are planning to go out on St. Patrick's Day, but only have 50 cents between them.
Sean has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Mickey, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage.
Mickey is really pissed off at first that Sean spent their last money on a sausage, but Sean lets him in on his plan.
"We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it."
So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Sean suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out.
Sean says: "see it works, we didn't pay did we?"
As Sean's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it.
By the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Mickey isn't looking to good. They have just finished their pints.
Mickey: "I can't do this anymore Sean my bloody knees are hurting like heck."
Sean: "No worries mate... I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!"
Mrs Rosy Jones was going to the market in New York where she happened to meet Father Patrick.....
Father: "Hey, you are Rosy right? I got you married in New Jersey, when I was posted there".
"Yes Father" Says Rosy.
"How is your husband and the little ones ?"
"Husband is fine but so far, no children".
Father Patrick: "Don't worry, child. I'm going to Rome next week. I will light a candle for you there."
"Thank you, Father Patrick."
After some years, Father Patrick happens to meet Rosy again.
"Hello Rosy, how's everything? Did you have any kids?"
"Yes Father. I have three sets of twins and two singles. Total 8 kids".
"Wow! Where is your husband?"
"Oh, he's gone to Rome all of a sudden... Said something about blowing off some candle."
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for many years.
When his dog sadly died, Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying: "Father Patrick, my dog is dead. Could you possibly say Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer: "No, we can't have services for an animal in church. But I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road, and - no telling what they believe in - maybe they'll do something for your pet."
Muldoon said: "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough of a donation for the service?"
"Oh, why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic??"
Knock Knock Who's there? Irish! Irish who? Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
My Beer Is Better
At a World Brewing Convention in the United States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing.
Bruce, the boss of Fosters, shouted to the barman,
'in 'Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, cobber.'
Rob, chief of Budweiser, calls out,
'In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all. Give me a pint of Bud.'
Hans steps up next,
'In Germany we invented beer. Give me a Beck's, the real king of beers.'
Up steps Dutchman Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, who states that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top.
Patrick, the CEO of Guinness, steps forward.
'Barman, give me a coke with ice please.'
The other four stare at him in stunned silence with amazement written all over their faces.
Eventually, Bruce asks, 'Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?'
Patrick replies, 'Well, if you lot aren't drinking, then neither am I.'