I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.
The oldguy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, saying "I slept with your mother."
Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The oldguy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I slept with your mother."
Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I slept with your mother."
At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,
"That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk."
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something much more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This one's $40,000." The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man said, "I'll take it!"
The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man said, "By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I'll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, the jeweler called the old man saying, "There's no money in that account!"
The old man said, "I know I know, but let me tell you about the weekend I just had!"
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg A candy cane.
This Old Lady Adheres to Road Signs
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over except his 'thing.' So, he decided to do something about it.
He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried in the sand, except for his 'thing,' which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the 'thing' sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."
The other lady asked what she meant.
"Well," said the old lady,
"When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now I'm 80, the darn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat!"
German tourist visits France. Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
What's Your Secret, Old Man?
Roger, 88, married Jenny, a beautiful 45-year-old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 88-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door - it's Roger,
Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action".
And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already??"
Two old ladies go visit their friend Mary. They sit down and after a while Mary says: "How foolish of me! I haven't even offered you coffee." So she gets up and gets the coffee.
Some time later, old Mary says: "How foolish of me! I haven't even offered you coffee." So again she gets the coffee. Half an hour later, the scene repeats for the third time.
Finally the two ladies say goodbye. "Mary is acting really weird, don't you think?" says the first one. "All the time we spent there, she hasn't even offered us coffee!".
The second one looks at her in amazement: "What? You've been to see Mary, and you haven't even invited me??"
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple of football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it, then leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen.
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
What a Small World
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, One guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begorrah, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guywalks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters,"It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along. The guy asks, "What are you carrying?" "Melons," the blonde replies. "Cool," the guy says. "If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?" The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
An Old Cowboy Goes to Starbucks
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show it to."
Yo mama is so old that when she walked out of a museum the alarm went off.
The Old Lady and the 3 Wishes
A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction. As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by its possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.
The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”
The woman, astounded, thinks for a moment and says “Age has taken its toll on me. I wish to be young and beautiful once more.”
BAM! In a sudden flash the old woman emerged, a ravishing young woman.
Thrilled by her success the woman says “genie I want to live a life of grandeur! To be rich!”
BAM! With a snap of the genies fingers, the room swirled and transformed into a great hall. Her once broken cottage had become a mansion. Upon looking down the woman noticed her worn clothing had been replaced with a stunning dress, and shining heels.
While she marveled at this outcome the genie stood solemnly and said: “you have one wish left.”
The woman thought about this for a while and then felt a slight brush against her leg. It was her old cat, frightened by the building's transformation.
The woman looked up at the genie and said “this cat has been faithfully with me for all my years. Please, transform him into a human man, so that we may spend many happy days together!”
BAM! In a blinding flash the cat had vanished. Standing in his place was a tall, dark-haired, handsome young man. Immediately enamored by her new love, the woman fell into his arms. The genie, his work complete, disappeared. As she gazed into his eyes, he drew her close and whispered...
“I bet you wish you hadn't had me fixed.”
Has a guy ever walked up to you just to tell you how beautiful you are? They must have been much drunker than I am.
Except the direction I'm walking in.
The Old Tired Dog
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bartender "If I impress you, can I have a free drink?" The bartender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano. It crawled on to the bench and began playing
The bartender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer. Next, the man said, "If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?" The bartender didn't think it was possible, so he agreed. The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano.
The bartender smiled and told the man that he was impressed. A man in a suit with a canewalked into the bar, saw the small animals, and offered to buy them for $2 million. The owner said no, but he offered to sell the frog for $500k. The rich man agreed, took the frog, and left. The bartender couldn't believe the owner just did that and said "Why did you just sell the frog?! There is no singer now!"
The owner laughed and said, "Don't worry, the rat is a ventriloquist."
A little old lady with blue hair entered a se* shop and asked in a quivering voice, “Yy-youuuung man, dd-do y-you, sell-l d-didildoes h-hhhere?”
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop answered, “Uh, yes ma’am, we do.”
The little lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, “Dddd-do y-you ha-ave any ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?”
“Well... yes ma’am, a few of them are about that big.”
“D-do aa-ny of them ha-ave a v-v-v-vibra-a-ator?”
“Yes ma’am, one of them does.”
“W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?”
A dear old man has been having trouble making love to his wife due to impotency.
He has tried pills, oils, anything he can get his hands on, but nothing works. He researched online, asked every online expert he could think of - to no avail.
He tells his buddy about this, and his buddy says "I know a witch doctor who has a remedy for this. Go see her, she will help you out.
The old man goes to the witch doctor and explains his problems.
"I know just the thing," she says, and hands him a potion. "Drink this. When you are ready, just say 'one, two, three.' Your problems will be solved. When you are finished, your partner must say, 'one, two, three, four,' and that will be that. You can only use this potion once every full moon."
Excited to try this new remedy, he makes his way home in a haste.
That night, things are starting to get hot and heavy. He turns around and says "one, two three." Just like that, he is hard as a rock, like he was 18 again. He faces his wife, ready to go.
Impressed, his wife stared at him and said, "Wow, that looks great. But what did you say 'one, two, three,' for?"
A guywalks into the bar. It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
The Old Acorn Tree
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! The Devil and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
The old man beat the boy to the gate.
Guywalks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.” Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
The Old Lady and the Bank CEO
An old lady walked into the Bank of America with a huge bag of money.
She told the receptionist that she would like to meet the president of the bank as she wanted to deposit a large sum of money. The receptionist objected but the old lady wouldn’t move, so with no option left she went inside the office.
She came back and said, “You are lucky this morning, He will see you!”
Bank president: "How can I help you madam?"
She (Old Lady): "I would like to open a new account and deposit this money."
He: "How much money do you like to deposit?"
She: "$180,000 Please." (Started dumping the whole amount on his table)
The bank president was a bit surprised. "How did you get this much cash Madam? We are not a laundering facility!"
She: "Oh, it's nothing illegal. I make bets."
He: "What kind of bets?"
She: "For example, I bet you that your right hand will taste like eggs, just your right hand and not your left. Lets meet again by tomorrow 9:00 AM. If I'm right, you will owe me $25,000. If I lose, I'll pay you $10,000!"
The man is shocked. How is that even possible? But he's a banker at heart and this is easy money, so he accepts the bet almost immediately.
She: "Okay then, I'll come around 9:00 AM tomorrow with my lawyer. Don't try to dodge the bet! No regrets!"
Feeling hesitant before her certainty, he mumbles his agreement.
It was so bizarre, he didn't even like eggs! But he was so tense about it, he couldn't sleep all night, licking his hands and smelling them to make sure they smell normal.
The next day at 9:00 AM the old lady was there, right on time, with her witness.
She: "Can I check your hands now Sir?"
He: "Yes. Go ahead."
She held his hands and started sniffing his right hand. Then she licked it briefly to confirm.
Her lawyer started banging his head against the wall.
The president, delighted with his $10,000 win and kicking himself for worrying, asked the lady what was wrong with lawyer's strange behavior.
Lawyer: "She had a bet with me for $100,000. I can't believe I lost. She said she will be licking the hands of the president of the Bank of America at 9:00 AM today!"
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school.
There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he'd carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet.
She quickly picked it up, but they didn't know what to do with it, so they took it home. There, she counted the money - it was $50,000!
The husband said: "We've got to give it back". "Finders keepers!" his wife said, and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home.
One knocked on the door and said: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
"No." She said.
The husband said: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She said: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile," but the agents sat the man down and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man said: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..."
At this, the FBI guy looked at his partner and said: "We're outta here!"
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar? The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
The Foul Mouthed, 7 Year Old Conductor
A woman overhears her 7 year old son playing with his toy train set.
As he's moving his train around, he stops the train and says "This stop is Los Angeles. If this is your stop, get the bloody hell off. If this is not your stop, stay the bloody hell on."
The boy moves the train around for a minute, and stops the train once again. "This stop is Seattle. If this is your stop, get the bloody hell off. If this is not your stop, stay the bloody hell on."
Angry that her son used such foul language, she bursts into the room and sends him to his room for an hour of time out.
After an hour passes, the woman allows her son to play with his train set on the condition he does not repeat what he said. He agrees.
Shortly after, the woman overhears her son playing with his train set once again.
After moving his train around the track for a minute, he stops the train and says "This is New York City. If this is your stop, get off. If this is not your stop, stay on. And if you're wondering why the train's an hour late, just ask the cow in the kitchen."
A rabbi, priest, and a minister are out fishing in a boat on a big lake when the priest realizes that he has to go to the bathroom.
Not wanting to disturb the fishing of the others in the boat by having them take him to shore, he gets out of the boat and walks across the water to do his business and then returns to the boat.
A little while later the minister has to go also and he does the same.
He walks across the water, does his business and returns across the water to the boat.
Finally, the rabbi feels the urge to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat.
But instead of walking across the water, he falls into the water and starts to wildly splash around.
The priest and the minister finally drag the rabbi back into the boat and the priest turns to the minister and says, "Maybe we should have told him where the rocks were."
A guywalks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!" The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Two Old Ladies and a Flower Show
Two little old ladies, Connie and Evelyn, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The short one, Connie, leaned over and said: “Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!”
“You're on!” said Evelyn, holding up a $10 bill.
So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then, completely naked, streaked through the front door.
Her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
“What happened?” asked Evelyn.
“I won $1,000 as first prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'...”
A farmer had just gotten a new rooster for his hens and the old rooster of many years was worried he would be replaced.
However, he had a cunning plan on dealing with this young rival. He went up to the new rooster and said, "Right, I'll make you a deal, let's race for the hens, one lap around the farmhouse. You win, I leave, I win, you leave."
The new rooster, being much younger, clearly could see that he would easily beat this old-timer entirely and agreed.
"However," the old rooster added. "Since I'm obviously much older, you must wait until I've completed half of the lap before starting so that I have a fair chance."
The younger rooster knew that even with that advantage, it was a shoo-in, so he agreed.
The race started and the older rooster set off, by the halfway mark he was already huffing and puffing, feeling his age. The younger rooster sped off like a rocket and was quickly catching up. By the time the older rooster was at the three-quarter mark, he was almost out of breath, heaving desperately. The younger rooster was coming up right behind him and was seconds away from beating him.
When suddenly "BAM!" The farmer's shotgun rang out, the new rooster collapsed into a bloody heap of feathers.
"Darn," the farmer sighed, "Third gay rooster this month."
Two Army football players were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, “Old MacDonald had a what?”
The other replies, “He had a farm.”
The first asks, “How do you spell it?”
To which the second replied, “E-I-E-I-O.”
A guywalks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?” The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
The Old Man and the Puddle
It was a long day at work, and George decided to leave his London office and walk to the pub across the street to get a few drinks.
The rain was pouring as he stepped out, and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. As he crossed the street, he noticed a ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
His curiosity piqued, he stopped next to the old man and asked what he was doing.
"Fishing." The old man said simply without looking at George.
"Poor old fool." George thought, and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
He felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, so he thought he'd humor the old man and asked, "Well... how many have you caught?"
"You're the eighth."
A old snake goes to see his doctor and says, ”I need something for my eyes… I can’t see very well these days”.
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two weeks.
The snake comes back in two weeks and tells the doctor that he’s very depressed.
“What’s the problem?" Asks the doctor. "Didn’t the glasses help you?”
“The glasses are fine doc." Answers the snake dejectedly. "Thing is, I just discovered I’ve been living with a garden hose the past 2 years.”
An elderly lady went to the doctor and asked for his help in reviving her husband’s passion.
“Why don’t you give him Viagra?” the doctor asked.
“Oh, no,” the woman replied.
“He doesn't even take aspirin for a headache!”
“That’s not a problem,” the doctor told her.
“Just crush up the pill and slip it into his coffee. He’ll never even know.”
Several days later, the old woman returned to the doctor, and he asked her if his suggestions worked.
“Oh, Doctor!” she exclaimed. “It was horrible! I did just as you said and as soon as he finished his coffee, he jumped up from the table, ripped off my clothes and took me right there on the table, we made love for a whole hour!!”
“And that was horrible?” the doctor asked, puzzled.
“Oh, the love making was wonderful!” the old woman exclaimed...
“But I can never show my face in that coffee shop again!"
There was a Redhead man, a Bald Man and a Blond man working on the top of a cliff.
The Redhead said, "You know, every day it's the same sandwich my wife makes me. I'm so sick of it. If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff."
The Bald man said, "Right there with you my friend. If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."
The Blond man said, "With you all the way chaps, If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."
The next day, the Redhead man had cheese, the Bald man had ham, and the Blond man had jam. So they all jumped.
At the funerals, the wives of the Redhead man and the bald man said, "Why didn't they just TELL us they didn't like their sandwiches??"
The Blond's wife said in tears, "I don't understand it... He made his own sandwiches!"
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him? The Bartender.
A guywalks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar. The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
Need an Ark? I Noah guy.
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar.... No Joke.
Just Kept Walking
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled.
"I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
He replied, "Well, you see my wife and I have married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.
"Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
There was an Old Man of Melrose, Who walked on the tips of his toes; But they said, 'It ain't pleasant, To see you at present, You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
I know an old owl named Boo, Every night he yelled Hoo, Once a kid walked by, And started to cry, And yelled I don't have a clue!
There was an Old Man with a poker, Who painted his face with red oker When they said, 'You're a Guy!' He made no reply, But knocked them all down with his poker.
There was an Old Man with a gong, Who bumped at it all day long. But they called out, no more, You're a horrid old bore, So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven, Who danced a quadrille with a raven; But they said, 'It's absurd To encourage this bird!' So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
Limerick: Old Maid's Burglar!
A story I'll tell of a burglar bold
Who started to rob a house;
He opened the window, and then crept in
As quiet as a mouse.
He looked around for a place to hide,
'Till the folks were all asleep,
Then said he, "With their money
I'll be a quiet sneak."
So under the bed the burglar crept;
He crept up close to the wall;
He didn't know it was an old maid's room
Or he wouldn't have had the gall.
He thought of the money that he would steal,
As under the bed he lay;
But at nine o'clock he saw a sight
That made his hair turn gray.
At nine o'clock the old maid came in;
"I am so tired," she said;
She thought that all was well that night
So she didn't look under the bed.
She took out her teeth and her big glass eye,
And the hair from off her head;
The burglar, he had forty fits
As he watched from
under the bed.
From under the bed the burglar crept,
He was a total wreck;
The old maid wasn't asleep at all
And she grabbed him by the neck.
She didn't holler, or shout or call,
She was as cool as a clam;
She only said, "The Saints be praised,
At last I've got a man!"
From under the pillow a gun she drew,
And to the burglar she said,
"Young man, if you don't marry me,
I'll blow off the top of your head!"
She held him firmly by the neck,
He hadn't a chance to scoot;
He looked at the teeth and the eye and said,
"Madam, for Pete's sake, SHOOT!"
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
Somehow, some of the politicians survived, and continued to plead for someone to rescue them from beneath the earth.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
"Well," The old farmer replied with a thoughtful expression, "some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
A Neo-Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."
As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile.
Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back.
The Neo-Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar.
"Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf."
The Neo-Nazi looks again at the Jew and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before
"Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman.
The bartender shrugs: "Well he does own the bar."
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.
So they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.
George came home from University in tears.
"Mom, am I adopted?"
"No of course not!", replied his mother. "Why would you think such a thing?"
George showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.
Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, George has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son."
"Well, obviously!" he replied.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"It was your idea in the first place" her husband said. "You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him."
"I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of George."
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all.
He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes..."
One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.
Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"
"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."
"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?"
"Oh, yes, many times," answered the old man. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards."
Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be HIS father?
"One last question," He said. "Were you a carpenter?"
"Why yes," replied the old man. "Yes I was!"
Jesus rubbed His eyes and said, "Dad?"
The old man rubs tears from his eyes and said, "Pinocchio?"
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer. What a Messi guy.
The Old Lady and the Money Bags
A police officer is walking his beat when he catches with his eye a trail of $50 notes leading into an alley. Curious, he immediately goes in and finds an old woman with two bags of trash dragging on the ground, one of them leaving $50 notes in its wake.
He calls the woman to halt and approaches her.
"Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole". He points out.
The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:
"Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?"
"Well, you see Mr.Officer," the old lady explains, "I have a lovely house at the end of the street and it just so happens to be right next to a very famous bar. I don't mind the noise but every night there are always some drunkards that piss all over my garden." She said, her voice shaking with indignation.
"So, yesterday night I stood there with my pruning shears and whenever someone got their thingy out I'd say: '$50 bucks or I'll cut it off!'"
Laughing at the amusing idea of those scared drunkards handing their money, the Police Officer lets her go about her way. But as she turns to go he jokingly asks:
"Is the second bag filled with money too?"
"Well, you know Mr. Officer, not everyone pays."
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.
A Monocle Walks Into a Bar...
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts.
"Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
A blind man enters a bar, carefully, and finds his way to a barstool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes very, very quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blond, and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
“Nah," says the blind guy, "not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
A hip young man goes out and buys himself an expensive car: A Ferrari 599 GTO. It costs him almost $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped (both looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "It’s a Ferrari 599 GTO. It cost nearly half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car is a limited edition model!” the young guy says proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 20 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly - whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading in the opposite direction. It looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How can a moped outrun a Ferrari!?"
But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh, Ka- blaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The young man jumps out, and it turns out to be the old man on the moped after all! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my god! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers: "Please, please... unhook...my suspenders... from your side-view mirror..."
A good looking man walked into a singles bar, bought a drink and settled down ready to use his best lines.
But for the next two hours every woman he approached gave him the brush-off. Then suddenly a really ugly guywalked in and within seconds he was surrounded by beautiful, available women. A few minutes later he sauntered out with a stunning brunette on each arm.
The handsome guy was thoroughly despondent. Turning to the bartender, he said: ‘I don't get it. How did that guywalk out with those two when I can't even get a phone number?’
‘I don’t know what his secret is,’ said the barman. ‘But he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there, licking his eyebrows.’
Many years ago, a smart old sculptor was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union and emigrate to the United States where his son lived. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.
Customs: "What is that?"
Old man: "What is that? What is that?! Do not say ‟What is that?” say ‟Who is that?” That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker’s paradise!"
The official smiled and let the old man through.
The old man arrived at JFK airport, where an American customs official found the bust of Lenin.
Customs: "What is that?"
Old man:" What is that? What is that?! Do not say ‟What is that?” say ‟Who is that?” That is Lenin! The bastard! I’ll put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from having a good life."
The official smiled and let him through.
When he arrived at his family’s house in Brooklyn, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.
Grandson: "Who is that, grandpa?"
Old man: "Who is that? Who is that?! Don’t say ‟Who is that?” say ‟What is that?” That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!"
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar. They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
The Old Lady Shoplifter
An old lady gets caught shoplifting.
On court day the lady and her husband who goes stand before the judge and she says to her, "Why did you shoplift?"
And she says "I was hungry."
The judge says "What did you take?" She replies, "A can of peaches."
The judge thinks on this and comes to a decision. "How many peaches where in the can?"
"Six." says the old lady.
"Then you shall serve six days in jail." Decrees the judge. "Do you have anything to add?"
"Ah, your honor?" Her husband suddenly raises his hand. "She stole a can of peas too."
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
A guywalks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
A guywalks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!" The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
The Little Old Lady and the Proctologist
A little old lady has an appointment with a proctologist.
The proctologist does the exam, and then discusses the results with her.
He ends by saying, "Do you have any questions for me, Mrs. Smith?"
The little old lady looks at him haughtily and says "Yes. Does your mother know what you do for a living?"
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.
He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here.. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
The Old Timer said , "No, but when Wyatt gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your behind, and it won't hurt as much if it's all greased up."
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail.
When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.
She used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.
After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?"
"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast... she farted and flew out the window!"
A young man moved to the beach area and is trying to meet women, but isn't having much luck. One day, the young guy is walking down the beach, and he passes an oldguy, who is completely surrounded by young beautiful women in bikinis vying for his attention. The young guy scratches his head and keeps walking, but can't understand how that oldguy is meeting so many women...
The next day, he takes a stroll on the beach again, and passes the same guy, who once again has many attractive young women with him. The next time he walks down the beach, he sees the oldguy again, and he still has hot young women all around him. Finally, he decides that he has to know the oldguy's secret, so he pulls the guy aside and asks, "How do you do it? How do you always attract so many hot young women?"
The oldguy responds, "Tomorrow, when you head out to the beach, slip a potato inside your bathing suit!"
So the next day, the young guy slides a potato into his bathing suit and heads out for his daily beach walk. But today, all the women are actually moving farther and farther away from him! He finds the oldguy again and says, "Hey, what's going on? I followed your advice, I put a potato in my bathing suit, and the women are practically running away from me!"
The oldguy sighs and says: "Try again tomorrow, but this time, put the potato in the front!"
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said,
"See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.
"Well," he began, "I remember back in '44', we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!' Well... I just crapped my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have crapped my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!'"
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
The Old Lady, the Judge & Her Husband
An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'
She replied: 'a can of peaches.'
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She said she stole six.
The judge then said, 'I will give you six days in jail.'
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, 'What is it?'
The husband said 'She also stole a can of peas.'
Three old ladies, Gertrude, Maude and Tilly, were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation.
Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the park. He was holding his coat together with his hands and didn't seem to be wearing anything underneath it.
The young man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat in one quick motion.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Seeing her friend's reaction, Maude also had a stroke.
But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble then her friends, couldn't quite reach that far...
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
An Old Lady Knows What She Wants
A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.
On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store/ livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem... How to carry his entire purchase home.
The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" said the biker, and out the door he went.
In the parking lot, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane.
The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane." We can take a shortcut down this alley and be there in no time".
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No?"
"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."
And she didn't laugh a bit!
Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms."
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."
The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too."
The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming up," said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
This guy is on the street corner spitting and cussing.
A little old lady goes and gets a cop, telling him about what the guy is doing.
Sure enough, when the cop comes up to the guy he spits and says, "Damn, that guy can drive a car."
The cop tells him to stop spitting and cussing and then asks him what the problem is.
The man again spits and says, "Damn, that guy can drive a car."
The cop again tells him not to spit and cuss and asks him what the problem is.
The man replies, "I was thumbing a ride when this guy stopped and picked me up.
"He takes off at 100 miles an hour, and I am scared to death.
"As we entered town, the guy slows down to about 60 miles per hour and skids into an alley where again he picks up speed.
"Right in front of us are two 18-wheelers parked on either side of the alley with only four feet between them.
"I screamed out 'We are going to die!'
"Then right before we were going to crash I looked over and told the guy, 'If you get us out of this alive, I will fellate you.'”
Again he spits and tells the cop, "Damn, that guy can drive a car."
A TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods
When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man.
They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story:
"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowhere. It was winter, but it wasn't too cold for a week and it was only lightly snowing when suddenly the wind started blowing and the snowing intensified.
I went outside to call my dog when I barely saw a weak light coming from the woods. Surely someone got lost and was now trying to find a way to safety. I started calling for my dog, but I knew the lost person would hear me. Sure enough, the light started getting stronger and stronger until finally I could see a silhouette of a man holding a flashlight. When he came close enough, I ran to help him. You couldn't see more than twenty feet and I didn't want to risk getting myself lost as well. I helped the man get inside the cabin and my dog ran in few seconds later. I closed the door with great difficulty because the wind was blowing so hard.
I then helped the man get his jacket and boots off and sat him next to the fireplace. The man was in shock but without injuries. I poured both of us a glass of whiskey to calm down and then a bowl of stew I was preparing. The man calmed down and started thanking me. He said he really thought he was a dead man until he heard me calling my dog. He gathered last bits of his energy and walked towards the voice.
When we finished eating, we decided to both go to bed. But I only had one bed so we would have to share. No problem, we thought, because it was very cold, and our bodies would keep each other warm. Well, one thing lead to another and we started touching each other, then kissing and then making love.
In the morning, the weather cleared up and after breakfast, the man put on his jacket, gathered his things and said he had to go. His wife and three children were expecting him and must be mortified because he didn't come home. He then gave me the juiciest kiss on the cheeks and left. I watched him go and realized I didn't even ask his name. That was the last time I saw him."
The TV crew looked at each other in shock and after a few seconds one of them said: "No, we meant what is your secret for long and active life."
"Oh, that?" the man said, "Clean air, regular exercise, healthy food, no stress... That kind of stuff."
I was in Walmart the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy.
I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
I said, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."
We older guys are helpful like that.
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm.
The county fire department was called to put out the fire.
The fire was more than the county fire department could handle.
Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"
A little old lady checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely.
She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six-pack abs, and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his butt.
The old lady figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. She gave him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"
Oh my, he sounded sooo sensual! Thought the old lady. Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I want is s*x. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" asked the old lady.
"That sounds absolutely fantastic, madam, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.
"Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"Well you're 75 years old now, Jack, why don't you take my brother Scott along?" suggested his wife.
"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball." his wife pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
. I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
Being Senior Can Be a Funny Thing...
Want to live forever? Then choose one of these professions:
Old bankers never die, they just lose their interest!
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Three oldguys were out walking.
First one said, "Windy, isn't it?"
The second one said, "No, it's Thursday!"
The third one said, "So am I. Let's go get a beer!"
Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
You may be getting older if...
When your spouse says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!”
When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
When going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
When you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
When getting a little action” means you don’t need to take any fiber today.
When “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
And of course - When an “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee!