An elderly woman went into the pharmacy.
When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The pharmacist thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling? Because their marriage was the rocks.
What is the only American State that has ever been married? Mrs. Ippi.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Pastor Pays Visit To Parishioner
A pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner.
As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they continue their conversation, he can't help himself and eats one after another.
By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, "Mrs. Jones, I'm so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."
"That's O.K.," she says.
"They would have just sat there anyway. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl!"
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.
The Secret to Having No Enemies
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.
About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question.
This time he received a response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question.
With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" asked the preacher.
"I don't have any." Said the old lady.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"That is incredible! Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be 97, and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said:
"It's easy, I just outlived the bastards."
Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words. “Ho ho ho!”
From Work to Worse
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor.
The nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company."
The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.
When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
It was 1990 and Mikhail Gorbachev called POTUS Bush Sr. to request help with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. “This is a true disaster!"
"Mr. Gorbachev, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.' replied the President.
"I do need help," said Gorbachev . "Could you possibly send 100,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favour, please?" said Gorbachev .
"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10 inches long and 3 inches in diameter?" said Gorbachev .
"No problem." replied the President and, with that, Bush hung up and called the President of condom company, "I need a favour, you've got to send 100,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of condom company.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10 inches long and 3 inches in diameter."
"Easily done, Mr. President. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said Bush.
"I want each to say 'Made in the USA, Size: Small"
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from making love for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without making love for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
On July 20th, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon, "that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were heard by millions of people around the world.
But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but he just brushed them off by smiling.
On July 5th, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question. That time, he finally responded.
Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938, when he was a kid in a small Midwestern town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.
His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows.
His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, the young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.
"Make love? You want to make love?! You'll get lovin' when the kid next door walks on the moon!!"
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, "Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests."
Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.
"Well," said Mr. Johnson, "I was looking over your test and the question was,
'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you."
"So, everyone knows that he was the first president." said little Johnny with his little innocent eyes open large.
"Just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson.
"The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?'
Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you."
"Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny.
"Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson.
"The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?'
Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither'."
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring? Because of all the rain, dear.
A Case of Defamation
A woman was sued by a man for defamation of character. He charged that she had called him a pig. She was found guilty and fined.
After the trial, she asked the judge: "Does this mean I cannot call Mr. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mr. Johnson?" asked the woman.
The judge replied that she could indeed call a pig Mr. Johnson with no fear of being charged with a crime.
The woman turned, looked directly at Mr. Johnson, and said, "Good afternoon, Mr. Johnson."
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town.
If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
A ship, sailing past a desert island, spots a man who has been stranded there for several years.
The captain goes ashore to rescue the man and notices three huts.
“What’s the first hut for?” he asks.
“That’s my house,” says the castaway.
“What’s the second hut for?”
“That’s my church.”
“And the third hut?”
“Oh, that?” sniffs the castaway. “That’s the church I used to go to.”
My ambition, said old Mr. King, Is to live as a bird on the wing. Then he climbed up a steeple, Which scared all the people, So they caged him and taught him to sing.
Those Darn Time Differences
One of the Russian Ambassadors comes to President Putin and nervously tells him he'd like to resign.
"Why?" Putin asks him
"Ah, Mr. President, I can't find myself with these time differences!
I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep,
I last woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening,
I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday,
I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow.
"Well, these are just minor inconveniences! Says Putin. "Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hasn't taken off yet!"
In a land far, far away, there was a Christian parish that had many attendees.
There was a priest who was part of it that used to give out miniature palm crosses that he made by hand.
One Sunday, he announced that he would be giving them out.
The congregation in the church that day reacted with glee.
"Put this cross in the room where your family argues most," he advised."When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is watching."
When the parishioners were leaving the church, a woman walked up to the priest, shook his hand and said, "I'll take five."
Kim Jong-Un and Vladimir Putin were having a summit meeting at a 20-story building.
During a break, the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.
First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said: "Ivan, jump down."
Ivan replied in tears: "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son." Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.
Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window. Putin grabbed him and said: "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"
Struggling, Lee replied: "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"
The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently due to a massive heart attack.
The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to the Intensive Care Unit, where therapy continues.
After a couple of days, Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."
Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife.
"Doris, you'll never believe it! I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before - wild, passionate se*! You'll love it!"
Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active intercourse and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my conscience if you die while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was okay, maybe I would have such se* with you."
Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office.
His doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: 'Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad, passionate, adventurous se* any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.' Now, I'll just address this. By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?"
"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern'?"
A woman went to her doctor's clinic.
She was seen by one of the doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall.
One of the younger doctors stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained.
She had her sit down and relax in another room.
The younger doctor marched back to the first and demanded,
"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The older doctor smiled as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
There once were two very successful thieves. They had a knack for finding unguarded entries to rich houses and robbing them of their gold.They were both, however, devout Catholics, and they knew the 10 commandments. So after deliberating the issue, they decided to go to the church with their loot to confess their sins to the Lord. After staring at the grim, seemingly judging faces of the saints surrounding them in the church, they further decided to offer some part of the gold they robbed to the church to wash away their wrongdoings.
The only problem was they couldn't decide how much to offer.
The first one thinks for a minute, then draws a foot long circle on the floor.
He lifts his face up and says, "Oh lord, I'll throw all my loot into the air, whatever lands inside the circle is yours and what little is left outside I'll keep for myself."
Saying this he threw all his loot up in the air. As it came down almost all of the gold fell outside the circle except for few coins. He praises the Lord for his generosity and collects his share smiling.
The second one steps back and thinks hard.
He lets out a deep sigh and says, "Oh lord! Forgive me for my sins. I won't make you pick up your share from the floor like my friend. I'll throw up all my loot towards you in the heavens. Please keep whatever you want and just throw back on to this earth whatever you think I deserve."
It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.
"Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that’s impossible... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone.
He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
A police officer is walking his beat when he catches with his eye a trail of $50 notes leading into an alley. Curious, he immediately goes in and finds an old woman with two bags of trash dragging on the ground, one of them leaving $50 notes in its wake.
He calls the woman to halt and approaches her.
"Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole". He points out.
The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:
"Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?"
"Well, you see Mr.Officer," the old lady explains, "I have a lovely house at the end of the street and it just so happens to be right next to a very famous bar. I don't mind the noise but every night there are always some drunkards that piss all over my garden." She said, her voice shaking with indignation.
"So, yesterday night I stood there with my pruning shears and whenever someone got their thingy out I'd say: '$50 bucks or I'll cut it off!'"
Laughing at the amusing idea of those scared drunkards handing their money, the Police Officer lets her go about her way. But as she turns to go he jokingly asks:
"Is the second bag filled with money too?"
"Well, you know Mr. Officer, not everyone pays."
My new phone is "smart." I guess that I'm not.
Amazing what all this here smart phone has got.
TV and Weather and Internet, too.
There's just no limits to what it can do.
Check my blood pressure and my temperature
Without even probing all my apertures.
I now know the time in Paris or Greece.
I can track the migration of thousands of geese
Or find Chinese food; it's here on this map.
Oops, my finger just slipped, now where was that at?
A camera...a CAMERA! Now I can take shots
Of everyone I know (who'd rather I not).
Push this here button and take me a "selfie."
(If it had a nose would this thing take a "smellfie"?)
Email to pester with, video to shoot,
Maps to drive 'round with, wow that's a hoot!
A compass to guide me home if I'm lost.
Thank God work paid for this thing (what it COSTS!).
The things that it does would amaze Mr. Bell.
What he would have thought of it, no one can tell,
But one question's still stuck in my middle-aged craw.
Despite all the gizmos that strike me with awe,
They're fun and they're useful and "techy" and all
...But how do I just simply make a phone call?
A little old lady has an appointment with a proctologist.
The proctologist does the exam, and then discusses the results with her.
He ends by saying, "Do you have any questions for me, Mrs. Smith?"
The little old lady looks at him haughtily and says "Yes. Does your mother know what you do for a living?"
A retired Army General moves into a new apartment after quitting service.
Over the next few weeks, his new neighbors realized that on the weekends he would return to his apartment at 2am very drunk, remove his left boot and slam it on the floor, remove his right boot and slam it on the floor even harder and then go to sleep. Since the force of these thunderous slams was enough to wake up almost everyone around him, and this was a family complex no less, the neighbors decided to go to his house and confront him about this one morning.
"Mr. General Sir, thank you for your service to our country, and we welcome you to our apartment complex."
"Sir, we realize that serving the country for so long can really take a toll on someone, and we want you to enjoy your retirement..."
"But, sir, can you please, kindly, not slam your boots down in the middle of the night once you return home on the weekends? It's waking us and our kids up."
"Oh! I didn't know that. I am sorry for waking all of you up like that, how stupid of me, it won't happen again."
"Thank you so much, sir."
The next weekend the General returns home drunk and sits on his bed. He removes his left boot and slams it on the floor. He removes his right boot and - "Wait a minute... this is what they were talking about, isn't it?" he says to himself in his drunken stupor. He gently places the right boot next to the left one and goes to bed.
An hour or so later the General wakes up to the sounds of the doorbell ringing continuously and heavy knocking on his door. He gets up, waddles over to the door and opens it to find a group of his neighbors standing outside in their nightclothes...
"SIR! Can you please just slam the other boot already so we can all get some sleep!!?"
As Mrs. Jones went to the market, she realized upon arriving that she had lost her purse somewhere along the way.
Feeling very upset, she started to walk back in the scant hope that it will still be where she dropped it.
However, after 2 minutes, a boy comes running at her, holding her purse in his hands.
"Is this yours, lady?" He cries at her
"Yes it is!" She cried in joy. She was so happy she hugged the boy and opened the purse to see everything was there.
Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm, that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 note in it. Now there are 20 $1 coins.”
The boy replied, “Well, the last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward...”
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
A Physics professor had a student that was always late and always had an answer or an excuse. He decides to ask him a few questions in front of the class and put him on the spot.
"Tell me, Michael, What is faster, light or sound?"
"Well light, obviously."
"Well, when I turn on my TV, I first see the picture and then comes the sound"
The professor sighs and gives a you're-an-idiot look. He moves to the next student asks the same question.
"What is faster, light or sound?"
"Well obviously it is sound."
"Uhhh what?? Why do you think this?"
"Well when I turn on my TV, I first hear it and then comes the picture."
Extremely annoyed the professor is now a bit pissed off. He believes that maybe the question is too hard for these pea brains and tries to vary it. The next student he asks
"You are on the foot of a mountain. On the summit there is a cannon being fired. Do you first see the light of the fire or do you first hear the sound?"
"Obviously you first see the light."
Slightly hopeful the professor says "YES and why is that?"
"Well the eyes are obviously further ahead than the ears."
A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon. When it's almost noon she looks at her watch and right when it strikes 12pm she blows the whistle.
One day she bumps her watch against something and she fears that it is a little off.
Wanting to make sure that she can do her job correctly she decides to go get her watch set by a professional clock maker.
The woman goes to the shop and has the clock maker set her watch to the correct time. She tells the clock maker what she does for a living and that it is important that her watch keeps correct time.
The clock maker tells her that she needn't worry because he set his watch by the clocks in the back and that he can be sure that they're on time because he sets them every Sunday when the church bells ring at 6am.
The woman leaves the shop satisfied... but starts to ask herself... "How does the church know exactly when it is 6am?"
So she goes to the church and finds the bell ringer and asks him how does he know when to ring the bells and how does he make sure that he has the correct time.
The bell ringer tells her that he rings the bells right when his watch strikes 6am. "I'm sure my watch is accurate." He reassures her. "I check it every day at noon when the factory goes on break."
Bill Gates dies and for some reason goes to hell for some reason.
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you.
This will be your home for all eternity. You've been greedy all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table.
To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Asmodeus..
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Asmodeus.
"Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?" asked Asmodeus.
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Control, Alt and Delete!"
A blonde was traveling abroad and wanted to see the Eiffel Tower. She tried to ask people and found a policeman who agreed to help her.
She asked him "Sorry, how do I get from here to the Eiffel Tower?"
The policeman replied: "Wait for bus 37 and get on it, it'll take you there in 10 minutes."
The blonde thanked the policeman and he left.
Hours later, he happened to go by the same place he left the woman, just to see the blonde is still there!
Why are you still here?" The policeman asked," I left you 4 hours ago and you haven't boarded the bus?"
"Oh don't worry, Mr. Policeman sir, just a moment ago, the 30th bus passed, there are only seven left to go!"
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule (jackass to the knowing) in the churchyard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department.
They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now, the preacher knew the mayor, and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher asked the Lord to direct his response. He said: "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music? Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.”
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.
His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.
“Oh, that old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said. "The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
Out On Family Safari
Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whisky, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said Ben, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "Which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
A bored minister decided to try something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross."
The pastor hollered out, "Grace!"
The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said, "Power!"
The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood."
The Pastor said, "S*x!"
The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."
Michael Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
Sighing, thinking about his many sins, he gets into the church. Spotting there is no line at the confessional, he pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
Shocked, he realizes here’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby. On the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me." Says Murphy. "I think its been a while since I’ve been to confession and to be sure I must say that this place is much better than it used to be!"
The priest freezes and stares at him.
“Get out, you idiot. You’re on MY side!"
An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Rather than purchasing a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to an entire sermon on the Ten Commandments.
After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously and said, "I want to thank you for saving my soul today, preacher. I came to church to steal a hat, but after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided against it."
"You mean the Commandment, Thou shall not steal, changed your mind?" the preacher asked.
"No, the one about adultery did," the old man said. "As soon as you said that, I remembered where I left my old hat."
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth? "I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
The Young Priest's Ideas
An elderly priest, speaking to a younger priest, said: "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued: "And you told me that adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir.
"Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest. "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But, father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But that flashing neon sign, ‘Toot 'n' Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.”
The church in my town fell on hard times recently.
There wasn't hardly enough money coming in to keep the lights on. So, with the approval of the priests, the friars began selling flowers from the Church's magnificent garden. They were a hit, and soon the flower money was rolling in in droves. A few days after they start, however, Tony, the local florist comes to the church in a huff.
"Please," he begs of the friars, "you must stop selling flowers! Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God, so nobody comes to my business! I'll be ruined if you keep this up."
"We're sorry," the friars tell him, "but the doors of Hod's temple must remain open, and for that we need money." Tony leaves the church, even more upset.
He goes to his neighbors asking if they'll help him boycott, but they're all too afraid to speak out. lawyer, seeing if he can solve this legally, but the lawyer won't dare try and sue the church. He even goed to the governor, but he gets told Church isn't doing anything wrong.
The week rolls by, and the Friars grow more successful as Tony gets closer to broke. Finally, in desperation, he hires the meanest, baddest, most nasty man in town, Hue, and sends him after the Friars.
Hue scares all the firars, smashes all their tables, rips up the garden beds, and even pisses all over the remaining flowers. The next day, the Friars are no longer selling flowers, and Tony is back in business. In the end, it seems the saying is true:
Hue and only Hue can prevent florist friars.
A guy had met a girl recently and he really liked her, so he would try to impress her on every chance that showed up.
One day, they were at a Rolling Stones concert. The guy excused himself for a moment to go to the bathroom, but made a turn and headed right to the band’s room. In there was Mick Jagger getting ready.
Our guy approached him and begged him to come and talk to him at some point during the concert. He tried to explain that he really liked his girlfriend and they were both huge fans of the Rolling Stones, so it would mean the world to him if his girlfriend was given the impression that he was an acquantaince of Mick Jagger’s.
“Oh, I don’t know. I’m not sure I’ll have time for that.” said Mick Jagger.
“Please Mr. Jagger, and I promise I won’t bother you ever again.”
“Okay, fine. If it'll get you out of my hair."
Later on, during a break between songs, Mick Jagger got off stage and went over to the guy and his girlfriend.
“Hey man, how are you doing? I haven’t seen you in a while!” he told him with a big smile.
The guy looks at him impatiently.
"Ugh, Mick, can't you see I'm talking to my girlfriend??"
A duck walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road.” explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvelous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call!".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right.", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
"Yes." says the barman
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah." the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
"Of course." the barman replies.
"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck
"That's right!" says the barman
The duck looks confused.
"What the heck would they want with a plasterer?"
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!" Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl." "Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.” “That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband. “I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
The Sad Occasion
One day, a senior man awoke and made his way to the community breakfast room of his nursing home.
He looked awful, quite forlorn.
Ms. Rudder, a nurse, met him in the hallway. She greeted him smilingly and asked how he was this day. Mr. Ferguson allowed that not all was well; in fact, his penis had died during the night.
Ms. Rudder knew that Mr. Ferguson was occasionally a little off mentally, so she merely replied that she was sorry to hear the bad news and went on her way.
The next morning Mr. Ferguson was on his way to breakfast again but on this day he was dressed in a coat and tie, and his penis was hanging out of his pants.
Sure enough, he met Ms. Rudder whereupon, although somewhat startled, she calmly reminded him that the day before he had told her his penis had died and asked why it was hanging out of his pants.
"Today is the viewing."
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
The Pharmacist and the Seasick Pills
Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.
He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said, "I've been thinking. There's no reason we can't go for a month."
So Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a box of condoms. When he returned, his wife said, "You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask.
"You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30 years. I certainly don't mean to pry into your marriage, but if it makes you that sick, why the heck do you do it?"
What’s the best way to settle church disputes? With canons.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple? It was a bird of pray.
Jack Paints the Inside of the Church
There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could.
So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually, the local church decided to do a big restoration project.
Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job.
And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.
Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder.
The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant... He exploded with anger. It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
The Priest and the Candle
Mrs Rosy Jones was going to the market in New York where she happened to meet Father Patrick.....
Father: "Hey, you are Rosy right? I got you married in New Jersey, when I was posted there".
"Yes Father" Says Rosy.
"How is your husband and the little ones ?"
"Husband is fine but so far, no children".
Father Patrick: "Don't worry, child. I'm going to Rome next week. I will light a candle for you there."
"Thank you, Father Patrick."
After some years, Father Patrick happens to meet Rosy again.
"Hello Rosy, how's everything? Did you have any kids?"
"Yes Father. I have three sets of twins and two singles. Total 8 kids".
"Wow! Where is your husband?"
"Oh, he's gone to Rome all of a sudden... Said something about blowing off some candle."
Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Arnold gasped, then said coldly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is an appropriate question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!"
With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones, another student, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with composure, replied: "That would be the pupil of the eye, under conditions of dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Jacobs.
"And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you:
One, you have not studied your lesson.
Two, you have a dirty mind.
you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!" exclaimed the girl.
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush," said her mother.
After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" her mother asked.
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." Smiled her little girl proudly. "They have a box next to the front door that says: 'For the Sick.'"
One day a husband comes home from work. His wife greets him and says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, my car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof.
She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
"What do I look like," He says, "Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened.
"Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.
"Great! What did he charge?" he says.
"Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Cheeky! Well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
The Priests, the Car and the Warning
Five atheists are driving in a car when they pass a church. Two priests are tending the lawns outside the church. As they see the car they wave their hands and point at a sign outside the church says "Beware! The End is Near! Turn yourself around Right Now before it's too late!"
The atheists shout at the priests "Leave us alone you miserable religious fanatics!" and speed away!
Suddenly there is the sound of screeching breaks and a splash!
One priest turns to the other and says "Do you think the sign should simply read 'Bridge out'?"
One day Vladimir Putin arrived at an elementary school, where he gave a lecture on all the reasons why Russia, under his leadership, is the best country in the world. After the lecture, he invited the children to ask him questions, and almost everyone raised their hand enthusiastically - after all, not every day they get to raise a question before the President of Russia.
"Yes, cute girl," Putin said, pointing to a girl with braids, who began to speak, saying, "Hello, Mr. President. My name is Sasha and I wanted to know: Do you think one day Russia will return to itself as the Soviet Union, In the past? "
"Of course," Putin replied. "It is only a matter of time before all the countries of Eastern Europe, and even the countries of the world, understand that it is in their favor."
"Yes cute boy, next question please," Putin said, pointing to a boy with freckles, who said, "Hello Mr. President. My name is Arkady and I wanted to know: what is the secret of your success? Because you are the most powerful and important man in all of Russia."
"The truth is," Putin said, "I am the most powerful and important man in the whole world, and the secret of my success is that I just know what is good for everyone, so everyone trusts me to run the country for the best."
"Do you have any more questions?" Putin wondered, then pointed to a blond boy raising his hand.
The boy spoke and said: "Hello Mr. President. My name is Boris and I wanted to know why Russia is sending troops to Ukraine and why we have annexed the Crimean peninsula from Ukraine to us?".
A moment after Boris finished asking his question the break bell suddenly rang, and everyone went out for lunch.
When the break was over, Putin and all the children returned to the lecture hall.
"Yes sweet girl," Putin said, pointing to a girl with short hair who stood up.
"Hello Mr. President. My name is Katya and I wanted to know where Boris is?"
A very sick man is lying in bed.
He realizes he doesn't have much time left, so he asks his nurse to bring his wife, daughter, and both sons to him, as well as witnesses and a camera to record his last wishes.
When all are assembled, their eyes misty and their faces drawn, he begins to speak.
"My son, Sam, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound.
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says:
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
The wife just grunts.
"The a**hole has a paper route".
A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there.
"Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog." The farmer replied, "Well, you know, dogs don't talk." The ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?"
The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog. "Hi there, Mr. dog," said the ventriloquist. "How does the farmer treat you?" To which the dog replied, "Oh, he's great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!" Needless to say, the farmer was dumbfounded.
Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could
speak with the farmer's horse. "Well, you know, horses don't talk." Again the ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a horse might tell you."
So the farmer brought out his horse. "Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?" asked the ventriloquist.
The horse then replied, "Oh, I think he's great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!" Again the farmer was amazed.
Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, "Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?"
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "Sheep lie, ya' know."
The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
The Dirty Blinds
A man foolishly asks his wife why she keeps staring out of the window.
Taking a very deep breath she replies "I'm really fed up with the state of Mrs Brown's blinds. Mrs Perkin's aren't much better. And that Mrs Lewis- scruffy cow. Look at them-
filthy. They're just not house proud like me. Dirty blinds are such an eyesore. If you were a real man you'd go over and get them to do something about it. In fact, you must- for I won't stand for it any longer."
"I'll tell you what," says the man as he peers through the window beside her; "I'll see what I can do."
The following morning, she approaches him, beaming.
"I can't believe it. The blinds. They're all immaculate. What did you say to them?"
"Nothing." he says "I just cleaned the window."
After Mrs. Grandapple found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...
After Mrs. Grandapple found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Grandapple kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'
Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Grandapple answered the door. 'Good morning, ma'am. You don't know me, but I've come to...'
'Oh yes, I know why you're here. Harry told me you'd be coming soon.'
'He did? But I...' 'Come right in! No use wasting time .'
'Very well, then.'
The photographer took out his briefcase and sat down. 'As you may already know, I've made a specialty of babies.'
'Good, I'm glad,' said Mrs. Grandapple. 'That's just what Harry and I were looking for.'
'I usually like to try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed,' said the photographer. 'The living room floor is fun too...you can really spread out.' 'Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it never worked for Harry and me.'
'Well, ma'am, none of us can guarantee a perfect one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I think you'll be quite pleased with the results.'
'I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly,' Mrs. Grandapple gasped nervously.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd like to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.'
'Don't I know!' breathed Mrs. Grandapple.
The photographer pulled out a portfolio of his pictures. 'This one was done on top of a bus in downtown London,' he said, showing Mrs. Grandapple the picture
'Oh my God!' exclaimed Mrs. Grandapple, tugging on her handkerchief.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with.' He showed Mrs. Grandapple another picture. 'She was difficult?' questioned Mrs. Grandapple.
'Extremely,' said the photographer. 'I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, just to get a good look.'
'Four and five deep!' Mrs. Grandapple was amazed.
'Yes,' said the photographer. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then, it started getting dark and I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment. I just packed it all in.'
Mrs. Grandapple leaned forward. 'You mean the squirrels actually CHEWED on your, um...equipment?'
'Yes, ma'am. Thank God, no real damage was done. Well, we'll get to work as soon as I set up my tripod.'
'TRIPOD? ' Mrs. Grandapple looked extremely worried now.
'Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Ma'am...ma'am? Good God, she's fainted!'
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Please leave", and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr. Mandela is getting a bit annoyed by now, so he shoves the smaller man back, shouting: "Look, push off ! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, the same man is standing there thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are two very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"
There once was a monarch named Ed Who screwed Mrs. Simpson in bed. As they bounced up and down, He yelled, "Bugger the Crown! We'll give it to Bertie, instead!"
A Grandma in Court
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
What Churches might be soon this 2020 and beyond:
PASTOR: Praise the Lord.
PASTOR: Can we please turn our iPads and Kindle Bibles to Exodus 20:1. When you’re done, kindly switch on your Bluetooth to receive the sermon. Please have your debit cards ready as we shall now collect tithes and offering. You can connect to the church WiFi using password Lord99087 and as for the renovation donations, you’re welcome to contribute via EFT or mobile banking. The holy atmosphere is truly electric as the iPads beep and flicker.
CHURCH SECRETARY: This week’s meetings will be held on the various Whatsapp groups so please don’t miss out! Wednesday Bible teachings will be held live on Skype @1900hrsGMT. By the way, you may follow the Pastor on Twitter for counseling and don’t forget our weekly prayers on YouTube. God bless you all.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple? It was a bird of pray.
Mary's Beans and the BB Gun
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck.
Her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.
He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat, and shot the canary!"
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
Putin and the Journalist
With the Russian Elections coming up, a reporter asks Russian President Vladimir Putin a question at a press conference.
"With Hillary Clinton almost becoming president, and Kamala Harris being elected the Vice President in the United States, do you think that a Russian woman could ever rise up to the highest office of our great nation and become president?"
President Putin responds immediately with a resounding "NO." without any hesitation, shocking all the reporters.
"Why do you think that Mr. Putin?" the reporter asks, surprised and confused at the blunt dismissal.
Vladimir calmly looks at the reporter and says "Because I am not a woman."
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel.
Excited at her runaway success, she began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."
She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honesty..."
Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
Bowled over by the apparent honor of the applicant she exclaimed: "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted:
"He sued me for the money."