Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.
Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
Little Johnny thought to himself that there was quite a large number of horses at this zoo
He wondered where all the other animals were, but was still happy to see the horses.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I cant wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right, said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. I cant get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."
To: The Social Security Commissioner
My name is Charles Wright and I live on First Street. I would like to present before you the following story:
'Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father came to visit a number of times, and suddenly he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorization.
As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's wife. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.
All at once, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild. A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.
In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following: Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake.
To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing.
“You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
“I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads."
The mother superior is very upset. She walks into the dinner room and announces to all the nuns to be quiet and listen.
"I was walking around the gardens, as I do." She says in a loud voice, "When I found some disturbing things! For one, I found a man's underpants!"
All the nuns are taken aback except for one, who is smiling.
"Then, " continues the mother superior, "I found a WOMAN'S underpants!"
All the nuns gasp together, except for one, who is giggling.
"And if that wasn't enough, I found.... a... a... used condom!"
All the nuns gasp, and some turn white, except for one, who is laughing quietly.
"And in the condom," finishes mother superior, "was a hole."
All the nuns laugh, except for one, who is crying.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy? Ranch dressing
Wife Has Got a Whole New Dress
A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy): "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
Coffin will be closed.
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark. The joke’s wearing fin.
Are the Rumors True?
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an 80-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be 21 in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an 80-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon..
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again..
'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'
'She's pregnant too.'
What do you call an owl dressed in armor? A knight owl.
Why Mothers Should Be Young
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked.
'Not yet,' she said. 'I'll make coffee and we can talk for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' she said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'When he Cries??' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, OK?!'
Roger, 88, married Jenny, a beautiful 45-year-old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 88-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door - it's Roger,
Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action".
And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already??"
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Never Forget Her Birthday...
It was breakfast time at the Smiths' house. Linda turned to her husband Frank with an irritated look and said: "I bet you don't remember what today is!"
"Of course I remember!" declared Frank, and hastily left for work.
When he reached his office, he immediately went to his best friend's office and shouted: "Mark, you have to help me - I think it's my wife's birthday today and I completely forgot about it!"
Mark calmed him down and opined that he should send his wife several gifts throughout the day. "That way there is no way she'll realize you just remembered. Besides, pick the right gifts and you'll have a very happy woman on your hands..."
Frank immediately goes and does exactly that, sending his wife a beautiful dress, her favorite perfume and even some sexy lingerie, each delivered to the house every few hours.
When evening came, Frank return to the house beaming with pride, and met his wife standing with a huge smile on her face. "First the beautiful dress, then the perfume I like so much, and then even some sexy lingerie! You really surprised me my love!"
"Think nothing on it my love, happy-"
"I never thought I'd wear such beautiful clothes to pick my mother up from the airport!"
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said the first one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first woman. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise King did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the King's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon, "and that proves she is, indeed, the TRUE mother-in-law."
A renowned psychologist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their little children.
After a few hours of talking and analyzing their words and behavior, he said: "I believe that you all suffer from some obsession."
He turned to the first mother and said, "You obviously have an obsession with food. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. And it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"
He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and said, "Come on, Richard, Peter and Willy, let's go".
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition.
On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"
He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" Says the surprised wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday," he replied, "but today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst!"
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressedmother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear......I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.''
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” Thomas A. Edison
Little Miss Intrusive Asks Mom Too Many Questions
A mother was driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy?" the little girl asked. "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite.."
"Okay", the little girl said. "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really!" the mother said. "Those are personal questions and are none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asked, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That's enough questions, young lady. Honestly!"
The exasperated mother walked away as the two friends began to play.
"My mom won't tell me anything about herself," the little girl said to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl said to her mother, "I know how old you are. You're 32."
The mother was surprised and asked, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother was past surprised. She was shocked.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl said triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce!"
"Really?" the mother asked. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took
elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.
"William," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Arnold," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
"But David," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"
Mandy asks her mother for a few minutes to have a serious conversation.
Concerned for her college-age daughter, Nina stops what she's doing and makes them coffee.
They sit for a few minutes, with Mandy looking nervous.
"What is it, sweetie?" her mother asks. "You know you can tell me anything."
Mandy manages a sickly smile. "Well, you may judge me for this.. and PLEASE don't tell dad!"
"What IS IT?" Her mother demands.
"Do you know the neighbor, Jeremy, who I study with?"
"Yes..." says her mother cautiously.
"And you know his dad, Ronald?"
"Ah ha..." her mother looks more concerned every second.
"I think I'm in love with him!" Mandy blurts it out.
Her mother is shocked. "I won't allow it!"
"Mom, you can't tell me who to love!"
"He could be your father!" shouts Nina.
"I don't care about the age difference!" the daughter shoots back.
Her mother sighs.
"I think you misunderstood me."
Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.
The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon."
When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the same question. She told him she was a nurse. The man at the front desk thought "nurses are even sexier. This guy's going to get laid."
The third couple checked in right after. The same question was asked. The bride said she was a high school teacher. The man behind the desk scoffed. "Teachers are so strict." He thought. "They'll probably go right to bed."
Just an hour later, the first groom came down to eat. "Already? I thought you'd be spending the night with your new wife." Said the man "I tried!" Replied the groom. "But she insisted on tidying up the room."
Another hour passed, and the second groom came down to get some food. The man asked "What are you doing down here so early?" And the groom said "Every time I tried to make love to her, she just told me I wasn't clean enough."
The man expected the third groom to come down soon, but he never did. He waited for hours and how's. Right near the end of his shift, the man finally saw the third groom come down, looking extremely tired. "There you are!" Said the man. "Did you get enough sleep?"
"I never slept." Replied the groom. "My wife kept saying "We're going to do this again and again until you get it right."
A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?"
The mother replied, "Well son when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand."
Two minutes later the young camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?"
They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert," the mother said.
"Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?"
"They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time."
"So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water."
"Yes dear," said the mother.
"So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.
Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.
When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
She, in amazement: "Is that all we have left?!?"
The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said: "Don't sell that cow".
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians. The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
Little Johnny's Mother
The teacher in Little Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living.
One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said: "My mom's a streetwalker."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office.
Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked, "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said "Yes"
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa pay the man."
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of their home. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.
To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "the women would say, 'what a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say:
'Sorry, I can't do it...It's booked up for a year...'
A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about s*x. Can you explain it to me first?"
"Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison."
And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
A few minutes later the bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again!"
The husband rolls over and yells, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"
On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.
Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life.....better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF! She was gone.
After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!... Harry!... where are you?"
Harry yells, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."
Fred screams back: "DON'T SWING!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! DON'T SWING!!!"
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.
Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
After several hours, the two men of the family come back, smiling and tired.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
A 19-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl cries and says she only dated the father for a few weeks. She picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You go out on another date."
All of Broomtown was abuzz because boy-broom and girl-broom were going to get married.
Everyone felt certain that the bride-broom and the groom-broom would make a lovely couple.
The night before the wedding, however, bride-broom told groom-broom that she was going to have a little whisk-broom.
"But, how can that be?!?" wailed groom-broom, "We haven't even swept together yet!!"
A child from a poor family wanted a bike for Christmas, so he asked his mother. His mother replied, "Well, we can't afford one so you'll just have to go ask the baby Jesus.'
The boy went to his room, got a stack of refill and a pen and began writing: 'Dear Baby Jesus, I've been good all year, can you please give me a bike for Christmas.'
Then he looked at it and thought maybe that wasn't entirely true, so he tried again.
'Dear Baby Jesus, I've been good for the past week, can you please give me a bike for Christmas.'
Then he looked at it again and still wasn't sure if that was true, so he tried yet again.
'Dear Baby Jesus, if you give me a bike, I'll be good all year.'
But even then that seemed too hard, so he took a walk outside to think about it.
As he was walking, he saw his neighbor's statue of Mother Mary. The boy hopped over the fence, tucked it under his shoulder and ran home to hide it. Then wrote his letter again.
'Dear Baby Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again, give me a bike!'
A 60-year-old millionaire was getting married and threw a big wedding reception.
The big day arrived, and he got married to his stunning 23-year-old bride in the vast garden of his 50,000-square-foot mansion.
Champagne was flowing and an enormous team of waiters was flitting about serving the finest hors-d'oeuvres in the land.
Naturally, the millionaire’s less wealthy friends couldn’t help but feel jealous.
In a quiet moment, one of them asked him how he landed such a young beauty.
“Simple,” grinned the millionaire, “I faked my age.'
His friends were really amazed and asked him how old he said he was.
“87!” he replied.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
It was a late one night in Washington D.C, when a well dressed man went out to smoke in an alley behind a bar.
As he was smoking, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped out from behind a dumpster and pointed a gun at him.
"Give me all your money!" he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"
A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering.
"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round, and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."
The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"
The father replies, "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
The wife and daughter are NOT amused by the father had said, so the daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?"
The mother smiles and says, "Well honey, a man also goes through three phases in life too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty, strong and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it becomes more like a birch, flexible but reliable. But after 50, it's like a Christmas tree."
The daughter laughs. "A Christmas tree??"
The mother replies, "Yes, dear. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened... but then they danced for the second song too. And the third.
By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride in the chest. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.
In court the next week the judge asked the best man what happened.
"Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride in the chest."
"That must have hurt," said the judge.
"No kidding," said the best man. "I broke five of my fingers."
A young woman was preparing for her wedding.
She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"
"I told you not to peek!!"
A mother and little boy are visiting the zoo. They pass by the elephant enclosure when suddenly the elephants walk out into the open. The little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"
"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, that's nothing." She quickly leads him away.
Some time later, the boy is taken to the zoo by his father, and as they pass the elephant enclosure the child points again and asks his dad: "What's that?'
His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."
"But mother said it was nothing!" said the boy.
The father smiles, draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!" exclaimed the girl.
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush," said her mother.
After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" her mother asked.
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." Smiled her little girl proudly. "They have a box next to the front door that says: 'For the Sick.'"
I dressed up as bacon for halloween. To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Be More Tactful Next Time
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith's mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson report to Personnel to sign some papers.
The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.
Oh by the way, Smith, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.
"Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Smith his mother died.
Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that James mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up."
"Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward... not so fast, James!"
My mother'smother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!! She's a grammy winner!
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son... It's a faux pa.
My mother'smother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them. We looked in every nook and granny!
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother? Magma
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month? I SAID NO-vember.
What do you call a small mother in the UK? Minimum
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers Theres always missing parent.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth." Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
A Psychic Goes Shopping
In a small town there lived a gypsy psychic, who was known to read minds, do divinations etc.
One day, she went to shop for clothes.
After trying all kinds of outfits, a sales person approached her and asked if she can bring her some things.
"Sure." Said the seer, and the girl went to get her dresses.
When she came back, the psychic looked at the clothes and then raised an eyebrow.
"There is no way these will fit me, they are all 'Large'!"
"I've been working at this a while," said the sales girl, "believe me, I think these will fit you."
"Nope. No way." said the seer.
"How do you know if you haven't even tried them on?" Said the frustrated girl.
"Trust me," said the seer, "I'm a medium."
Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whisky, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said Ben, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
Yo Mama so short she has to wear a torn napkin as a dress.
The Rules of the Marriage
A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s*x here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."
There was an enchanting young bride, Who ate many green apples and died. The apples fermented, inside the lamented, and made cider inside her inside.
The Photo in Her Purse
A young couple gets married and go on their honeymoon, the following morning the bride walks out of the shower, naked.
The husband says, “Stop.” Grabs his camera and takes a quick photo. She asks him why he took a photo when he can see her naked anytime?
He says, “So I can carry it in my wallet, close to my heart.” She smiles.
He goes to have his shower, as he comes out and she is waiting with the camera and takes his photo.
He says, “is that so you can carry my picture with you always?”
“No, it’s so I can have it enlarged.”
A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool.
They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased.
As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off.
As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool's bottom.
That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel's elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium.
Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.
When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, "That's not an aquarium...that's the swimming pool!"
I always knock on the fridge before opening it. Just in case there's a salad dressing.
The Lady and Her Hat
A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm.
She was bracing herself by holding a light post with one hand, and she was holding her hat snugly against her head with her other hand. Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it continued to flap in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see.
The policeman asked, "Hey Lady, everybody is taking a look at what you've got. Don't you think that pulling your dress down is more important than worrying about your hat?"
"Look here, Sonny - what these people are looking at is 85 years old, but the Hat is BRAND NEW!”
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt I'm going to be an ascot
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween? It was in disguise.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween. To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween? It became a fright train.
A Mother Explains
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?"
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and make love.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his thing in the mommy’s thing. That’s how you get a baby, honey.”
The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s thing in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, dear... Jewelry.”
I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.
The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, saying "I slept with your mother."
Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I slept with your mother."
Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I slept with your mother."
At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,
"That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk."
A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking blonde and, somewhat improbably, asked her to climb this pole that was conveniently nearby.
For whatever reason, she decided to do it.
When she told her mother what happened, her mother scolded her:
"Don't you understand that they only wanted to see your underwear?"
The girl was understandably upset at being very stupid and naive and decided to show those boys a thing or two.
The next day, they repeated their request, and when she came home she was beaming.
"What are you so happy about?" asked her mother.
"I totally showed them. Today I didn't even WEAR underwear!"
Why did the cranberries turn red? They saw the turkey dressing!
The Married Couple and the Gorilla
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested: "Now maybe pucker your lips and wiggle your bottom, see what that does." She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead
The husband then suggested she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
The husband smiled sweetly at his wife as he opened the cage door.
"Now Tell him you have a headache."
Fred is 34 years old and he is still single.
One day, a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, why not find a girl who's just like your mother?"
A few months later, they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred sighed, "My father doesn't like her."
A newlywed couple gets a special present for their nuptials: a brand new sports car. As they leave the wedding reception, they are so excited they drive faster than they ever had before.
"I'll make you a deal," said the groom with a smile. "If I do 200mph, you take off your dress. Deal?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous wife.
As he approached 200mph, she begins to peel off her dress.
With him unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car soon skidded on some gravel and flipped over. The bride, now stark naked, was fine, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe and cover yourself," he said.
Holding the shoe over her private area, the bride ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor: "Please help me! My husband's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said: "There's nothing I can do... he's in too far."
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
Little Johnny and the Hammer
Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.
His mother asked, "What’s the matter little Johnny?"
"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb bang on with the hammer!" said little Johnny through his tears.
His mother was touched by the boy's sensitivity, but didn't like seeing him cry.
"That’s not so serious." She tried to soothe him. "Now I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. That's something to laugh about."
"I did!" sobbed Johnny.
A 72 year old man had one hobby - he loved to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say
again, 'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?'
I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'
With age - comes wisdom!
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain THAT one to you."
During King Solomon's reign, there was a handsome, successful young man who was wanted by all the young maidens in the kingdom. This young man was certainly aware of his advantages, and he would go wild with different girls and promise each of them the whole world. While most of the ladies knew he could not be trusted, two young women took his words seriously and announced to their family that they were going to marry the most successful and beautiful man in the kingdom.
The rumors of the marriage spread, and the two mothers of the young women who heard that someone else would marry the wanted man began to quarrel over the fate and future of their daughters. After failing to settle the dispute, the two mothers decided to go to King Solomon, the wisest man, and ask him to decide which of their daughters would marry the boy.
They dragged the young man to court and made their claims to the wise king. Solomon listened to them patiently, and after they finished he ordered, "Bring me the greatest sword in the palace, I will split the man in two, and each woman will receive half of him!"
The first mother looked rather indifferent and said, "Bring him the sword."
The other mother, who was shocked by the order, yelled, "Your majesty, remove the command, I will give up the groom-only do not spill his blood!"
King Solomon looked at the two women with a big smile and said, "The first mother’s daughter will marry the young man!"
The confused court clerk turned to Solomon and said, "My wise king, aren’t you confused? The first mother was willing to cut that young man into two!"
"Right!" King Solomon replied, "This proves that she is worthy of being his real Mother in law!"
Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta." says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
A mother and her teen daughter arrive at the doctor's office.
The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Suzie is pregnant. About 3 months would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Suzie?”
Suzie says, “No mom! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it.
A few moments later, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”
The doctor replies, "No, not really. It's just that the last time something like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time! "
Lots of guilt to share. What am I doing wrong now? A Jewish mother.
A Young Scot Attends An English University
Donald MacDonald from the Scottish Highlands, went to study Law at a renowned and austere English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.
After he had been there a month, his old mother came to visit him.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people...
...The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop...
...The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?" She asked her son.
Donald replied enthusiastically:
"Mother, I do nothing. I simply ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."
"Which position produces the ugliest children?" "Ask your mother."
I'll explain and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon. (From movie The Princess Bride)
Two Sides of the Story
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
Why’d the lettuce blush? It saw the salad dressing.
Johnny and His Little Secret
One day, mother walked in on teen Johnny making out with his girlfriend.
Johnny felt this was awkward, and he didn't want to the family to know he has his first girlfriend and tease him.
But his mother smiled and said: "Don't worry Johnny, I won't tell your father, this will be our little secret."
The next day Johnny sat to breakfast with all his family, when his father noticed a hickey on his neck. "Son," He said, "where did that hickey on your neck come from?".
Johnny replied: "That is me and mother's little secret."
The rest of the breakfast was very quiet.