Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.
In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.
To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.
In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).
He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” Demetri Martin
A Tale of Tortoise and Snail
A tortoise went out for a few beers and, despite being severely worse for wear, decided to walk home through the rough part of town.
Half way home he was set upon by four snails who beat him senseless, stole what little money he still had and, as a final insult, they sprayed obscenities on his shell.
Utterly distraught, he was taken to the local police station where the fox inspector asked if he could remember anything about the assailants .
"I don't know!" He cried, "It all happened so fast!"
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
The Ugly Baby
Lady sits down on a train. Man sitting next to her turns to her and says, "Lady, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen. That baby looks in a mirror, it's going to shatter. You oughta put a bag on that baby's head. That baby is just ugly."
The woman, horrified, stands up and shouts for the conductor. "Conductor, this man has insulted me."
"I'm so sorry, ma'am," the conductor replies. "What he did is totally unacceptable on this train. I will deal with him later, but for now, please come with me. We'll give you a nice seat in the first-class carriage — and a banana for your monkey.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
"I should be in charge", said the brain, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away".
"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".
"I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal".
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.
Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an *&*hole.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile? It may come back to bite you in the butt.
A Snail On a Mission
A bear, a moose, a fox, a wolf and a snail were playing cards around a table. Suddenly, the bear let out a faint roar and said:
“Guys, I’m hungry. Could someone go buy some chocolate, or whatever?”
The moose shook his head and nodded towards the fox, who irritatingly slammed his little paw on the table and muttered:
“Why me? Why can’t the wolf do it?”
But the snail bravely interrupted the conversation, before it got out of hand:
“Guys, guys! There’s no reason to fight. I’ll go.”
The bear smiled a little and handed the snail a few, rolled-up dollars from his pockets:
“Thanks, man. I appreciate it. While you’re at it, buy something to drink, will ya?”
The snail winked, grabbed the money and briskly started to make his way out the door.
Half an hour went by...
An hour and a half...
Almost two hours...
At last, the bear snapped, dropped his cards to the floor and yelled: “Hey, you know what? I think the little bastard took the money and just left!”
A small yet fierce scream then came from near the door:
“If you’re gonna start insulting me, I’m not leaving at all!”
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.” — Unknown
The Tax Return Form
A man from New York City found himself in a spot of bother after the IRS returned his tax return to him due to an incorrectly-answered question.
One of the questions on his tax return asked him to list his dependents.
A few days later, they received the following response: “12.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployed deadbeats, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, at least 450 idiots in Congress and numerous others who call themselves politicians, but are in fact nothing of the sort.”
In a strongly-worded letter accompanying the man’s tax return, the IRS responded: “This answer is completely unacceptable and an insult to this government institution.”
In turn, he replied: “I thought it was quite detailed. Who did I leave out?”
Some time ago, a man had two sons.
As they got older, everyone quickly realized that Jackson was very sharp, while Blake was about as sharp as a spoon. They were both loved very much and cared for. As time went by, the father got sick and eventually passed away.
Jackson called his brother on the phone and told him: "Listen, I have an enormously important business meeting I must attend, but I will get on the first flight home. Here are my credit card details, please make sure dad looks his best and gets everything money can buy for his funeral, spare no expense!" He wasn't sure this was a great idea, given that Blake was... well, Blake, but he had no one else to call.
Surprisingly, Blake took care of everything, and did it with a rather decent budget. Jackson was pleasantly surprised and the funeral went well, if a sad and emotional affair for all.
A few months later Jackson calls Blake again.
"Listen," he says. "I don't want to make accusations or nothin', but could it be that you are still using my card for about $300 dollars every month? I can see it here on my credit report."
"Of course not!" said Blake, insulted. "I would never steal from you, you know that!"
"Yea, I do." Said Jackson, "But how do you explain these?"
"Oh," said Blake, "I bet those are for dad's tux. You said you wanted him to look his best so I rented the most expensive suit in town!"
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
Breaking it to the Wife
One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman's door.
"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news".
"Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies.
The officer replied: "I'm so sorry, but someone stabbed your husband and threw his corpse in the harbor."
The woman began wailing, and crumpled to her knees. Utterly despondent she begged the cop: "Please, what could possibly be the good news?"
He replied: "Well Ma'am, when we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Would you like one?"
Sobbing even louder, the woman shouted: "How DARE you! I've never been so insulted in my entire life!"
The officer replied: "Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow morning."
The First Text Message
Dear John, this is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.
I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
John, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, stomped next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and went out into the garden for some fresh air. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbor.
The Second Text Message
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my smart phone’s Autocorrect feature changed “Wi-Fi” to ˜Wife”. Technology hey?? Hope you saw the funny side of that.