One day two accountants, who were best friends, were walking together down the street.
One was a vegetarian and constantly berated the other for eating meat.
After stopping for a hot dog, the vegetarian erupted "Why do you eat meat?, Do you even know what's in that hot dog? You know, you are what you eat!"
The carnivore replied "I am what I eat, an uncontrollable vicious animal (beating his chest)."
As they stepped off the curb a speeding car came around the corner and ran the vegetarian over. The carnivore called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able. The injured vegetarian was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery.
After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. "I have good news, and I have bad news." He told the uninjured carnivore.
"The good news is that your friend is going to pull through. The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.
They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course.
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, she took care of him in return, and eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn't anyone else in the island.
He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make life easier.
One night she threw herself at him and they made love. After that, they were for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.
But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed. "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say.
She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him to try.
"Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?"
"Sure," she said "anything!"
"Ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore."
"Now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat."
"Wha... ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly.
"Oohh, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it."
She was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat.
"Now I'd like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache."
"Ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered.
"Now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach I'll catch up to you in a bit," he said a bit excited...
She started walking, wondering and doubting herself. She was confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was him?
Suddenly, the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "Man! you won't BELIEVE who I've been sleeping with for the past 6 months!"
Three politicians become friends after meeting each other at functions. One is from America, the second from Russia and the third from Brazil.
The American politician decides to invite the two others to his home.
When they get there, the first thing he shows them is his Rolls-Royce.
"Beautiful isn't it?" he asks them.
"Hmm, yes it is" they both admit.
"Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?" the American points in a direction.
"You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets."
The other two smile and nod in understanding.
A few weeks later, the Russian politician extends an invitation to the other two to come to his home for a party.
When they arrive, the two were surprised at how grand it was - it was a regal-looking mansion.
They ask the Russian politician, "Where did you get the money to buy it from?"
The Russian takes them outside, points in a direction and says:
"You see that huge bridge over there? I used inferior materials and got 20% of the costs stashed in my personal account."
The other two are impressed.
A few weeks later, the Brazilian politician extends an invitation to the other two to come to his home for dinner.
When they arrive, the two are astonished to see a palatial mansion with a fleet of cars on the front driveway.
"How the heck did you get the money to get all THIS?" asked the Russian.
"Do you see that bridge over there?" pointed the Brazilian politician.
"No," said both, squinting in that direction.
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received two tickets in the mail for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them."
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor but failed in the effort.
They went to the theater and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value! And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:
"Now you know!"
I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.
It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up, you know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says, ....oh God, she sounded sexy!!
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like for you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. You name it, we'll do it. Bring anything you want."
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
I'll kissyou in the rain, so you get twice as wet.
Hello, I'm bisexual. I'd like to BUY you a drink...and then get sexual.
Were Adam and Eve Brits, French or Russian?
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
They pondered this possibility, but the Frenchman and the Russian soon shake their heads in disagreement.
"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
Although the Russian and the Brit agreed on this point, there still seemed to be something amiss.
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for Cats, which was making its long-anticipated return to Broadway.
Suddenly, he felt a pair of hands kneading into his back. Startled by this blatant intrusion of personal space, he turned around to find out that it was a complete stranger standing in line behind him doing the kneading.
Giving the stranger a stern look, the kneading stopped for a few minutes, but he felt hands working on his back again soon enough.
"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back, and what on earth makes you think you have the right to do so without asking me first?"
"Oh, I’m so sorry… I'm a chiropractor you see," the man replied, "and sometimes I just can't keep myself from practicing my skills."
"Well, you should really get a hold of yourself – it’s not appropriate to be touching the backs of random men without their permission," the lawyer shot back.
"In fact, I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing just any old guy in front of me, do you!?"
A TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods
When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man.
They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story:
"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowhere. It was winter, but it wasn't too cold for a week and it was only lightly snowing when suddenly the wind started blowing and the snowing intensified.
I went outside to call my dog when I barely saw a weak light coming from the woods. Surely someone got lost and was now trying to find a way to safety. I started calling for my dog, but I knew the lost person would hear me. Sure enough, the light started getting stronger and stronger until finally I could see a silhouette of a man holding a flashlight. When he came close enough, I ran to help him. You couldn't see more than twenty feet and I didn't want to risk getting myself lost as well. I helped the man get inside the cabin and my dog ran in few seconds later. I closed the door with great difficulty because the wind was blowing so hard.
I then helped the man get his jacket and boots off and sat him next to the fireplace. The man was in shock but without injuries. I poured both of us a glass of whiskey to calm down and then a bowl of stew I was preparing. The man calmed down and started thanking me. He said he really thought he was a dead man until he heard me calling my dog. He gathered last bits of his energy and walked towards the voice.
When we finished eating, we decided to both go to bed. But I only had one bed so we would have to share. No problem, we thought, because it was very cold, and our bodies would keep each other warm. Well, one thing lead to another and we started touching each other, then kissing and then making love.
In the morning, the weather cleared up and after breakfast, the man put on his jacket, gathered his things and said he had to go. His wife and three children were expecting him and must be mortified because he didn't come home. He then gave me the juiciest kiss on the cheeks and left. I watched him go and realized I didn't even ask his name. That was the last time I saw him."
The TV crew looked at each other in shock and after a few seconds one of them said: "No, we meant what is your secret for long and active life."
"Oh, that?" the man said, "Clean air, regular exercise, healthy food, no stress... That kind of stuff."
Many years ago there were two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, who inherited the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if yousend her just the word "comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly...
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra. "How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist.
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intercourse."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about that anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
A married couple moves into to a new home. After a few days, as the husband returns home from work, his wife says to him, "Honey, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?"
"What do I look like, a plumber?" asks the husband, and goes to sleep.
A few days later, the wife once again turns to her husband and says, "Honey, my car doesn't start. I think it may need a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like, a mechanic?" asks the husband with a frown.
A week goes by, and the wife once again turns to her husband and says, "Dear, the roof is leaking, could you do something about it?"
"What do I look like, a roofer?" asks the husband. "Take care of these things yourself!"
He then leaves home for a week on a business trip. "When I come back," he says to his wife, "I'd like all these things taken care of."
He comes back a week later and is astonished to discover the roof is fixed, the car is running and the pipes are brand new.
"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls at his wife.
"Nothing at all." said the wife. "The neighbor popped in and turns out he's a handyman. He said he'd fix the whole thing if I'd just bake him a cake or sleep with him."
"Wow," said the husband. "What kind of cake did you make him?"
"What do I look like," exclaims the wife, "a baker?"
Can i give you a kiss? If you don’t like it, you can return it.
If youwere a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber.
If youwere words on a page, you’d be fine print.
If youwere a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
I'd Like to Speak to the Manager
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. “Are you the manager?”, she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no” the man replies.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Ah..what should I tell him?” the bartender manages to squeak.
“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”
How do you circumcise a whale? Yousend down four skin divers.
Can You Make It Up That Pole, Honey?
A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking blonde and, somewhat improbably, asked her to climb this pole that was conveniently nearby.
For whatever reason, she decided to do it.
When she told her mother what happened, her mother scolded her:
"Don't you understand that they only wanted to see your underwear?"
The girl was understandably upset at being very stupid and naive and decided to show those boys a thing or two.
The next day, they repeated their request, and when she came home she was beaming.
"What are you so happy about?" asked her mother.
"I totally showed them. Today I didn't even WEAR underwear!"
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about making love?” he asked, rather tentatively.
“I would like it infrequently,” she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered: “Is that one word or two?”
A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.
One day, his wife got so angry that she told him: “If you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.” Her husband didn’t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking just like he always did.
His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning and bought some big intestines. She stuffed them in her husband’s underwear as he slept. A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes.
After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely. “What happened?” asked the wife.
“Youwere right! My intestines did come out, but don’t worry honey - after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.”
A large woman goes to a plastic surgeon.
"What can I do for you?"
"Well, I really don't want to spend much money, but I want to make my breasts much bigger. How can you do that for me for almost no money?"
The doctor tells her, "You don't need surgery to do that. Just take toilet paper and rub it on your chest every day."
The surprised woman asks, "How does THAT make them bigger?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
This young woman ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"
"Sure." I said, being the gentleman I am.
As we walked through, she told me that she had tried to ask other guys before me, but no one would do it. What has come of this world, when a man won't give a hand to lovely lady to walk her through a dark place.
"Thank God you're not like that." She smiled at me. "I suppose it's silly, being afraid of cemeteries at my age."
I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive."
Man: I'd go to the ends of the world for you! Woman: Okay, but would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing."
"Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "Our problems are over, there's no way they will fail to find us now!"
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
"In front of you?" He asks shyly.
The nurse says: "Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.
The man said, "Not one like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body."
"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.”
"Okay then," said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and girth it was almost identical to an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private parts, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
A young Italian girl was going on her first date.
Before the date her Nonna decided to give her some advice. Nonna said, "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys. He's agonna try and kissyou, you are agonna likea that... but don't let him do that.
He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea that too... but don'ta let him do that! But most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that. Doing that willa disgraca the family!!"
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:
"Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"
I'd like to get you wet. At least long enough to get you back to the ocean.
The IRS Inspector and the CFO
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”
”Good question,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. “Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”
“Here, too, we don't waste,” answered the CFO.
“What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete d**k.”
I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me, it is a time to reminisce.
The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!
Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.
Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was 12.
We were sitting on a park bench eating a sandwich, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day.
He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family.
"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.
"It makes your pecker look bigger."
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish? A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
How do you circumcise a whale? Yousend down four skin divers.
Which Substance Would You Like to Land in?
Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician.
The magician was standing at the top of a slide.
The magician than said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink.
The first man went down yelling, ''beerrr!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of beer.
The second guy went down the slide yelling ''lemonadeee!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade.
The third guy went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!'''
He instantly regretted it.
Even if there was no gravity, I'd still fall for you.
What It Used to Be Like
An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting. "
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
Where do yousend turtles who commit crimes? To the shell-block.
All Isn't As It Seems on the Bridge
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does, and it is a passionate, deep and lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
You may be getting older if...
When your spouse says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!”
When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
When going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
When you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
When getting a little action” means you don’t need to take any fiber today.
When “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
And of course - When an “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee!
I got pulled over earlier today...
Cop: “License and registration sir? You show signs of being drunk.”
Me: “Officer I assure you I haven’t even had a sip.”
Cop: “Alright sir, well how about a quick test. Imagine you’re driving down the dark road and see two lights in the distance, what is it?”
Me: “A car..?”
Cop: “Of course! But what kind? A Chevy, Dodge or a Ford?”
Me: “How the hell am I supposed to know.”
Cop: “Just as I suspected, you’ve been drinking.”
Me: “But sir, I didn’t drink anything.”
Cop: “Okay, then tell me, on the same dark road, one light shows up in the distance, what is it?”
Me: “A motorcycle.”
Cop: “Well DUH. I meant... is it a Honda, a Harley or a Kawasaki?”
Me: “I have no idea!”
Cop: “Go figure, you’re intoxicated.”
Me: “Okay, then let me ask you this. You’re driving on the highway around midnight, and you see a woman on the roadside, wearing a miniskirt, fishnets, high heals, and a bra for a top. What would you call her?”
Cop: “A hooker of course.”
Me: “Yes of course, but is it your wife, your daughter, or your mother?”
And long story short things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
A 72 year old man had one hobby - he loved to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say
again, 'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?'
I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'
With age - comes wisdom!
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Susan was asked to give her friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Susan, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your husband?"
Susan responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all.
It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
A mouse was sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar.
The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink.
Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink.
After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.
The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the bar stool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out.
The bartender took one look at this terrible state, lifted an eyebrow and said, "So, how did it go last night?"
The mouse said, "Man, that was the best lovemaking I ever had."
The bartender asked, "Then why do you look so bad?"
The mouse replied, "Hey, between the kissing and the lovemaking I must have run 10 miles!"
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place.
When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.
When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife.
Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.
She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead.
The guy says “OK,” and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.
Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he’ll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, “OK,” and goes back to the pharmacy and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
Finally, the pharmacist asks, “Look, if it makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?”
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.
So they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table.
She looks at the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."
The man, after reading this note, sighs. Sends her another note, and leaves.
The waiter brings her the note. It read:
"Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari, a BMW i8, and a Mercedes AMG GTS in my garage, plus I have over 20 million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my member. Just send the wine back."
A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane.
There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.”
Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, “I hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and I’ve never kissed anyone.”
The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well make the kid happy in their final moments. She passionately kisses him.
The boy, elated, goes on, “Sorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and I’ve never felt a breast.”
Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides his hand under her shirt.
After a good long feel, the boy again says “you’ve been so kind already but please, I don’t want to die never having made love to a woman.
Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die, the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt. Just then the plane levels off.
As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate him. The woman walks off the plain she says “thank you so much for saving us from certain death.”
The boy says “just a LITTLE longer next time dad!”
Little Suzie walks in on her parents making love.
She's told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her.
"Mommy, what wereyou doing to daddy?"
"Well sweetheart, you know how your father's a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out."
The little girl starts laughing.
"What's so funny hunny?" asks her mother.
"You're wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!"
I was sitting in my office when a case came in. So I finished two bottles from it.
Suddenly a tall blonde walked past my window. I knew she was tall because I was on the second floor.
The phone rang and I knew something was wrong. I didn’t have a phone.
It was a girl and she was in trouble. I knew she was, ’cause she said so.
I raced down the stairs and called a cab. The cab stopped with a jerk. Then the jerk got out and I got in.
We took the corner at a hundred miles per hour, but a cop stopped us and told us to put the corner back.
Then we were out of the city. I knew it, because we were not hitting so many pedestrians.
As we came to her house, she greeted me with a burning kiss. Then she took the cigarette out and kissed me again.
She had the most beautiful blonde hair I have ever seen – hanging from her left nostril.
She had teeth like the ten commandments – all broken.
She also had the most beautiful eyes – so beautiful that the one eye could not stop looking at the other one.
Suddenly a brick came flying through the window and hit her on the left breast – breaking three of my fingers!
A husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad". I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you".
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad youwere able to come."
Just then the daughter,a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and one said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too!"
If I were a furry bear. And had a furry tummy. I'd climb into a honey jar And make my tummy yummy!
Well, If You Ask...
Michael's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Michael replied...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Michael his reward, he stops her by saying: "WHOA, hold on there sweetie...
I haven't added them up yet!"
P.S - Please let us know if you've seen him, we're very worried.
I'd tell you a confidence joke but I'm insecure
I'd tell a war joke but I'm afraid it would bomb
I'd tell an enema joke but you couldn't hold it in
I'd tell a flogger joke but it doesn't have much impact.
I'd tell a bondage joke but it's too restrictive.
I'd tell you an underground railroad joke but you'd run away.
I'd tell a monotone joke but it doesn't have any range
I'd tell a hanging joke but I always choke
\I'd tell you a constipation joke, but it's full of... well, you know.
I'd tell a Wesley Snipes tax joke but it's too evasive
I'd tell a big ass joke but it's too much to grasp
I'd tell an amputee joke but I don't have a leg to stand on
I'd tell a cyber-security joke but you couldn't hack it
I'd tell a joke about a joke but it'd be recursive
I'd tell a pot joke but it's half baked
I'd tell a small penis joke but there's not enough there
I'd tell a gay joke but I'm not sure I could tell it straight
I'd tell a porky pig joke but tha..tha..that's all folks!
You are so old, when youwere a kid rainbows were black and white.
I'd slap you, but I'm against animal abuse.
You look like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Some babies were dropped on their heads but youwere clearly thrown at a wall.
Never Forget Her Birthday...
It was breakfast time at the Smiths' house. Linda turned to her husband Frank with an irritated look and said: "I bet you don't remember what today is!"
"Of course I remember!" declared Frank, and hastily left for work.
When he reached his office, he immediately went to his best friend's office and shouted: "Mark, you have to help me - I think it's my wife's birthday today and I completely forgot about it!"
Mark calmed him down and opined that he should send his wife several gifts throughout the day. "That way there is no way she'll realize you just remembered. Besides, pick the right gifts and you'll have a very happy woman on your hands..."
Frank immediately goes and does exactly that, sending his wife a beautiful dress, her favorite perfume and even some sexy lingerie, each delivered to the house every few hours.
When evening came, Frank return to the house beaming with pride, and met his wife standing with a huge smile on her face. "First the beautiful dress, then the perfume I like so much, and then even some sexy lingerie! You really surprised me my love!"
"Think nothing on it my love, happy-"
"I never thought I'd wear such beautiful clothes to pick my mother up from the airport!"
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
How sweet is only for girls? Her-shey’s kisses.
You Sure That's What You Want?
A man was walking along a Californian beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No - think of another wish."
The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"
A priest and a nun are on a trip to a faraway monastery when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere as a blizzard rages above them.
They find a deserted cabin and take shelter. They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets.
The priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself. As they get tucked in for the night, the nun calls out, "father, father, I'm cold!" so the priest gets up and puts another blanket on the nun. "is that better, sister?" he asks. "yes father, much better," she replies.
So he gets back in his sleeping bag and starts to nod off when she again calls out with "father, I'm still cold!" so once again, the priest gets up and puts another blanket on her, ensuring she is tucked into the bed well. "Is that better, sister?" he asks. "Oh yes, father, that's much better," she says. So the priest gets himself back into the sleeping bag, and this time is just starting to dream when he wakes up to her call of "Father, father, I'm just so cold!"
The priest thinks long about this and finally says, "Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a blizzard. No one but you, myself, and the Lord himself will ever know what happens here this night. How about, just for this night, we act as though we were married?"
The nun thinks on this for a minute. She can't help but admit to herself she's been curious, and finally answers with a tentative "OK, father, just for tonight, we will act as though we are married."
"Wonderful." The father replies, "Now get up and get your own darn blanket, you great lazy lump!"
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries, and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered, "THE TEETH!"
Rabbi Bernstein was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the procedure, since it was considered cosmetic surgery.
The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for a "small," $6,500 for a "medium," and $14,000 for a "large."
Rabbi Bernstein was sure that his wife and he would want at the least a medium... and perhaps even a large. But the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The rabbi called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the rabbi slouched over in the chair looking quite dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
"She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
What Nationality Were Adam and Eve?
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are standing in a museum looking at a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden.
The three stare at it intently.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the British man. "They must be British."
The three of them ponder this possibility for a moment before the Frenchman and the Russian shake their heads in disagreement.
"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, enjoying the best of life. Clearly they are French.".
The Brit and Russian agree on this point, but after a moment the Russian shakes his head again.
"No clothes, no shelter..." He muses. "Also, they have only an apple to eat but they're told this is Paradise. They are clearly Russian!"
An old miser, due to his terrible cheapness, had no friends nor family.
Just before he died he called his doctor, his lawyer and a minister to come see him. They complied, and gathered together around his bed.
"I always heard you can't take it with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said.
"I have $90,000 cash hidden underneath my mattress. It's in 3 envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each one of you to grab one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on my grave, you throw the envelopes in."
Weeks later, the three attended the funeral, and true to their word, each threw in their envelope into the grave.
On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel so good about this, I am going to confess, I desperately needed $10,000 for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave."
The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a clinic and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000." He looked ashamed.
The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked and ashamed of both of you. I don't see how you could in good conscience hold on to that money. I threw in a personal check for the ENTIRE amount."
Joshua calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is a holiday. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the holiday meal. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Joshua receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.
"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Joshua promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Joshua turns to his wife and says, "Youwere right! They're coming, and we don't even have to pay our half of the tickets!"
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
Who On Earth Are You, Then?
A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
One day, while walking through the Garden of Eden, Adam looked up to the Heavens and spoke to God. "Father, this place is great, but there is one thing missing," he said.
"What is that my son?" God asked.
"Well, it would be nice to have a mate: I'm awfully lonely down here and all the other animals have mates but me.
All I'm asking for is: a creature more beautiful than the Garden, one who likes making love like I do, never has a headache, will cook, clean and be at my beck and call morning, noon and night," pleaded Adam.
"Wow, that's a tall order, though perhaps I have just such a creature in mind. But," said the Lord, "it's going to cost you big time."
"Oh yeah, how much?" said Adam
"An arm and a leg," replied God.
Adam thought this over for quite some time and then asked: "Well, what can I get for a rib?"
One day a Soviet Party member is walking through red square when he hears a man shout “down with the tyrant and his stupid mustache.”
Immediately the party member drags the man to Stalin and explains what he said.
Stalin, furious asks: why did you say that? The man replies he was talking about Hitler.
Stalin listens and decides the man is telling the truth. He agrees with his sentiments and sends the man on his way.
The party member is about to go as well but is stopped by Stalin and asked: "Tell me, comrade, which tyrant with a stupid mustache wereyou thinking of when you dragged the man here?"
A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."
"What happened?" The father asks.
"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the bloody difference?'
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"
"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."
"Why?" asks the father.
"Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my penis??'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet."
"Don't bother, I got expelled."
Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"
"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
"What the bloody hell was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.
"That's what I bloody said!"
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position youwere before we met, but now it's my fault."
Our story starts a few years ago, as a train is speeding along through the city. Four people sit in one of its compartments: A beautiful, vivacious young woman, an old, matronly woman, a poor man and a rich man.
Suddenly, the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap are heard. When the train exits the tunnel, the rich man is holding the side of his face in agony, while the poor man is grinning uncontrollably.
The old matronly woman thinks: "Now that's a fine young woman, the poor man tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one – and rightly so!"
The young woman thinks: "Now that's a strange rich man - he'd rather kiss that old hag than me."
The rich man thinks: "Now that's a smart poor man, he steals a kiss and I’m the one who gets slapped."
The poor man is thinking: "Good, soon we'll be entering another tunnel, I'll kiss the back of my hand again and slap that millionaire silly!”
It is the middle of the night and Laura wakes up to find that her husband is out of bed. She dresses in her robe and goes downstairs to find him sitting in front of a turned off TV, holding a cup of coffee and looking into the distance, lost in some sad thought.
"What's the matter, honey?" she asks. "Why the heck are you down here at this hour?"
Her husband looks up at her. "Do you remember when we started dating, when youwere just 17?"
"Sure." She answers, puzzled.
Her husband groaned in sadness. "And do you remember when your father the sheriff caught us fooling around?"
"Yes, of course."
"And do you remember how he shoved his shotgun in my face and said: 'You either marry her or I'll put you in jail for 20 years?"
"Yea I do, why are you so nostalgic all of a sudden?!?" she demanded to know.
The husband wiped a tear from his cheek and said:"It's just... I would have been out today."
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager yells back: "Loosen up, Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She lets her grandmother know that she has friends coming over shortly, and that it's just not appropriate...
The grandmother says: "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
"I now pronounce you dumped and single. You may now kiss my ass."
Did you get Drunk?
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was terribly cut up. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?" He asked, surprised.
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner. The guy looked really down, so to cheer him up a bit he said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," came the gloomy answer from the cell. "I'm the groom."
Baby are you a toaster? Because I'd like to take a bath with you.
What Did You Call Me!?
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, 'Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?'
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.'
So the farmer says, 'Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.'
The trooper says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute he stops and says, 'Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?'
The farmer says, 'Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.'
The trooper says, 'Well, that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says softly, 'Hard to fool them flies though...'