A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview. The interviewer decides to start with the basics
"So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" He asks.
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 25!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie".
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Oh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happybirthday to you, happybirthday to you...'"
A quarrel broke out between a man and a woman while traveling for dinner at a restaurant. They quarreled almost all the way and just before they arrived, the wife said to the husband: "You are very lucky to have me, no other normal woman will want you!".
The frustrated husband decided to prove to his wife that she was wrong and find women who would be interested in him already during dinner. The hostess who led them to the table smiled at the husband endlessly, laughed at his jokes and even offered to take his coat, so of course as soon as she left he turned to his wife with a triumphant look on her face.
"Don't get too excited, it's just her job and she's married too."
"How do you know?"
"Because I saw a ring on her finger."
A short time later the husband had to go to the bathroom, and on his way back he collided with the chair of a woman sitting alone at a nearby table. He apologized, ordered her a drink at his expense, talked to her for a few moments and sat down with his wife again. "Just so you know, she invited me to sit down for a drink with her!"
"Don't get too excited, she's probably half blind."
"How do you know?"
"Because I saw her enter the restaurant with a walking stick."
After a few minutes a waitress went to the table and as she took the order from the couple it was obvious that she was staring at her husband and flirting with him.
"Here! You see?!" He said to his wife after the waitress left, "There are normal women who want me!"
"Don't be an idiot, she has corona."
"How do you know?"
"Because if she's interested in you then she has no sense of taste!"
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
The Brother, the Sister, and the Hot Dogs
A country boy who lived his whole life in the village gets permission on his 16th birthday to go visit his older sister in New York.
What the family doesn't know is that the daughter is a "working girl" and she was really scared that her brother, coming to stay with her, will figure it out.
So when he comes over and asks her what she does, she said: "Oh, this is New York, I sell hotdogs."
"Oh WOW!" Her brother said excitedly. "I LOVE hotdogs and I heard New York has the best, can I come with you tomorrow to work and get a free one? Please??"
The sister, appalled, said she would be ever so busy, and she was sorry but no. She'll bring him some when she comes back.
Her brother, a little sullen at the news, hatched a plan.
When the sister left the following afternoon, he walked behind her, following her until she came to a big house and disappeared inside.
It seemed a bit of a weird place for her work but he followed her in, and there was greeted by a beautiful woman, wearing very little.
"Hi there handsome," she purred at him. "Come to satisfy your "appetite"?
"I sure did!" Said the boy enthusiastically.
"Wonderful," smiled the woman, "how do you like it? Standing up or lying down?"
"Well," said the boy, "I'd rather have it in a bun."
With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."
As expected, the wife wasn't happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening.
His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"
The husband said, "I know all that."
The wife looked on at him with incredulity. She wondered when she would ever get a little peace.
"Why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.
The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."
Q: A plane is carrying one hundred bricks. One falls out. How many are left on the plane?
Q: What are the three steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge?
A: Open the fridge, put the giraffe in, and close the fridge.
Q: What are the four steps to putting an elephant in the fridge?
A: Open the fridge, take the giraffe out, put the elephant in, and close the fridge.
Q: Today is the lion king’s birthday party. All animals except for one arrive. Which animal is missing and why?
A: The elephant is missing because he is still stuck in the fridge.
Q: Sally must cross an alligator-infested river in order to safely make it out of a huge jungle. Usually, the alligators would kill any animal that approaches their waters. However, Sally makes it across safely. Why?
A: All the alligators are at the lion king’s birthday party.
Q: Unfortunately, Sally still dies. How did she die?
A: She was hit in the head by a falling brick.
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. She screamed at him: "You're a pig! A pig with no honor! How dare you do this to me! I'm your faithful wife!" She was about to storm off, when her husband stopped her with these words: "Wait a minute, let me at least explain what happened!"
"Fine!" sobbed the angry wife, "but they will be your LAST words to me!"
"Well, while I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and haggard. I felt sorry for her, so I brought her home. She was hungry, so I made her a meal from the roast beef you thought was too fattening.
Her sandals were torn so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I got you for your birthday that you don't wear because the colors don't suit you.
Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you liked before your sister bought the same pair.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and said pleadingly, "Please, please, is there anything ELSE your wife doesn't use anymore?"
There was a man who was very happily married, but, every birthday he would have the same fantasy request for his wife: He wanted a threesome, and every year the wife says no.
This continues on for several years, until finally the wife has enough and finally agrees.
“Fine Sam, yes you can have your darn threesome. Who do you want it to be with?”
George quickly responds with... “Well, do you remember Sarah who works in accounting at my office?”
“Yes, of course.” the wife responds.
“Well, with her." Said Sam, "and one of her friends.”
Marriage is an exciting part of our life. The vows we made on our wedding day really did mean the world to us, and we thought the blessed joy of matrimony would never die. However, once we are married, that thrill does dip - let's be honest about it!
The hilarious joke below makes this truth perfectly clear - read it top to bottom. When you're finished - read it bottom to top!
Husband: At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife: Do you want me to leave?
Husband: No! Don't even think that.
Wife: Do you love me?
Husband: Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife: Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband: No! Why are you even asking?
Wife: Will you kiss me?
Husband: Every chance I get!
Wife: Will you hit me?
Husband: Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife: Can I trust you?
Wife: Oh my Darling!
This was BEFORE the wedding.
To see what happens AFTER the wedding, read from end (bottom) to start (top) ...
When do you know a joke is a dad joke? When the punchline is a parent.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke? It’s fully groan.
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke? It'll become apparent.
A Theory of Happiness
A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest.
So he decides to test this theory. He convenes all the couples he can find at a special seminar.
He then starts by asking the many people in the audience. “How many people here make love once a day?”
Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely.
“Once a week?”
A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant.
"How many of you make love once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. No grins could be sighted.
Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” To his shock, one man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands and whistling.
The therapist is shocked - this man's reaction completely disproves his theory!
“If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
The man shouts: "Today’s the day!”
The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.
The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: A joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and if he laughs, you can stay, but if he does not, you are banished. The competition would continue until the population of the kingdom was reduced in half.
All the animals spent the rest of the week preparing. Never before in the animal kingdom had so much original content been created. Jokes upon jokes were imagined, tweaked, and committed to memory. The animals worked tirelessly, until finally, the joke telling day came.
All the animals were gathered in a great assembly. Before animals were chosen at random to present their jokes, an offer was extended to any animal who thought they had a truly exception joke. The zebra volunteered almost immediately. It was not very often that he got to go first at anything because of that whole pesky "Z" thing. Additionally, he felt that his joke was quite funny, and wanted to make sure that he got a chance to present it to the tortoise before the tortoise was tired of laughing.
He nervously approached the podium, and presented his material. It was short, sweet, and had an excellent punchline. To the zebras relief, the whole animal kingdom erupted in a roar of laughter, and it fact, it took several minutes for everyone to calm down...
...except for the tortoise. Without emotion, he just stared back at the zebra. The zebra was shocked, the rest of the kingdom astonished, but sadly, everyone knew what this meant. The zebra was escorted away, never to be seen from again.
It came time for the second animal to give his joke. Again, they polled for volunteers, and after some hesitation, the chimpanzee raised his hand. The chimp figured it had a good repertoire of making others laugh, and while the tortoise was apparently a tough crowd, he figured he probably had a decent shot. He had worked hard on this, and had about a five minute act.
The chimp's animatedly presented his finest material. It was a bit song, a bit dance, and a ton of humor. The kingdom chuckled throughout the act, but when the chimp dropped his final punchline, the kingdom went berserk. Never before had such a funny joke been told: the whole act, while funny in itself, was the perfect setup to the final line. This was not a joke, it was a work of art.
Once everyone had again calmed down, all eyes were on the tortoise. He was unmoved. The chimp was astonished, the kingdom flabbergasted. The chimp was escorted away.
At this, no one dared to volunteer. Two masters of the craft were just set away. How could anyone compete? There was silence across the animal kingdom. Everyone felt the weight of the impending doom that was their fate. There were no more volunteers, their only hope was to not be called. All they could do was wait.
It was then than the bison was called. He lumbered up to the front. He took a big gulp; he knew he really wasn't good at joke telling anyway, and was pretty sure that he was destined to fail He hesitated, stuttered, stammered, but presented his joke to the best of his ability anyway. When the punchline was delivered, (or at least what seemed to have been whatever punchline there could have been at such a scenario,) there was a collective moan over the kingdom.
The joke, was it even a joke? was horrible. Everyone knew that he would be escorted away to his...wait, what? The tortoise! He began to chuckle. Not just a "heh" chuckle, this was a real chuckle. Not a chuckle, this was a lough! Then more and more! He was laughing so hard he was having a hard time catching his breath. How could this be? Did the tortoise have some strange sense of humor? Why was he laughing at this? Was he senile? The kingdom was sent into confusion.
Finally the lion interjected. "SILENCE!" he shouted. He addressed the judge: "Oh wise and fair tortoise, why is it that you find the bison's joke so humorous, but none of the other animals' jokes?"
"What Bison?" replied the tortoise. "I was laughing at the zebra's joke!"
A traveler once visited a small village in the countryside. At the local bar, someone asked him if he was married. "I'm divorced, actually. Never could find a woman I didn't end up fighting with all the time," he replied.
The local man said: "Then you should go talk to the old couple that lives on the hill outside the village. Rumor has it that they've been married over 60 years and they've never fought this whole time."
"What?? That's impossible! Everyone has fights!" Exclaimed the traveler. But the local swore to him it was the truth and nothing but.
The traveler just had to check it out, and in the morning he knocked on the door of the little house on the hill and was immediately welcomed by the husband, who invited him in for tea. After the traveler explained why he came to see him, the man smiled and nodded.
"It's true. We never fight."
"PLEASE," begged the traveler, "can you tell me your secret?"
"Well," said the old man, "it all started about 60 years ago, right after the wedding. We were riding our mule back to town and walking it down the street when it tripped over a stone and my wife said to him: 'That's one.'
"We kept riding and he tripped again on another stone, which made my wife immediately say: 'That's two.'
"Two minutes later, the mule trips over a stone again. My wife said: 'That's three.'
She pulled out a gun I never knew she had and shot it in the head without thinking twice!
I was shocked and yelled at her: 'What the heck do you think you're doing? We needed that mule! Are you crazy?!'
"My wife looked me straight in the eye and said: 'That's one.'
"And we haven't had a fight since."
The protagonists of this joke are a husband and a wife.
The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.
"Well, I've seen you naked. You don't need that towel," says the husband.
"I just feel more comfortable this way," the wife responds.
"But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state," continues the husband.
The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo.
"I'll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time," he responds, and gets his picture, then heads for the shower himself.
He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.
"Why are you wearing that towel now - I want a photo of you in return," demands the wife.
The husband does as he's told, the photo's taken and they check the result in their digital camera.
"What will you do with this photo of me, then?" asks the husband.
The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again.
"I'll have it ENLARGED."
It was a man's 80th birthday and his friends wanted to get him a special gift.
Since he was a widower of many years, and after some discussion, they decide to have a hooker come to his house that night and give him the time of his life.
Later that evening as the old man was getting ready for bed he hears the doorbell ring.
He opens the door and sees a hooker standing there in a sexy outfit. She says to the senior: "Hi there, I'm here to give you super sex!"
The old man thinks for a moment... then says: "I'll take the soup".
HappyBirthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. HappyBirthday from me to you!
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
Revenge of the Blonde
A blonde woman was sick and tired of all the unfair jokes about blondes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Texas?"
"T!" she answered.
Two wives finally find some time to have a night out, just the two girls.
After a night of happy drinking, they decide to wobble home, but on the way both have a desperate need to pee.
They nip into a cemetery, do the deed and realize they have nothing to wipe themselves with.
So one uses her underwear and the other grabs a wreath and uses that.
Next day there husbands are talking on the phone, voicing there concerns.
"I'm not happy", says one husband, "she came home with no underwear on!"
"I hear you" replies second husband in a sad voice. "But if you think that's bad, my wife had a card stuck in the crack of her backside saying, "From all the guys at the fire station, we will all miss you!"
A husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad". I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you".
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter,a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and one said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too!"
Why are frogs so happy? Because they eat whatever bugs them.
Three Paralympian Swimmers Go Head-to-Head
Three swimmers are on the starting blocks at the Paralympic games.
The first one has no arms, the second one has no legs, and the third one is just a head standing on the block.
The race starts, the first two swimmers jump in and start swimming, someone pushes the head in.
They go at it like crazy and finally, the guy with no legs reaches the finish line.
Everyone cheers, he is so happy, but he looks around and sees bubbles coming from the water.
He dives and grabs the head that was underwater. The head coughs some water and says: "I train for five years to swim with my ears and just before the start an idiot comes and puts a swim cap on me!"
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes... It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday.
You know you’re getting old when… happy hour is a nap.
The Romantic Gift
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older.. Happy bEarthday!
Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats
Note: We love both dogs and cats, this is just in jest!
1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
2. Cats look silly on a leash.
3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.
8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.
9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.
10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get so stressed that little things seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it - he was a little person!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I am NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Karen surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again. That said, she didn't really know anyone suitable.
Her daughter immediately replied: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another, and, after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a black bra and a pair of black lacy panties, and he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asked: "Why the black underwear?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he wasn't getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She was standing there with the black panties on, and he was in his birthday suit ... except that he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with this ... a black condom?"
"Well." He said, "I wanted to offer my deepest condolences."
I'd tell you a confidence joke but I'm insecure
I'd tell a war joke but I'm afraid it would bomb
I'd tell an enema joke but you couldn't hold it in
I'd tell a flogger joke but it doesn't have much impact.
I'd tell a bondage joke but it's too restrictive.
I'd tell you an underground railroad joke but you'd run away.
I'd tell a monotone joke but it doesn't have any range
I'd tell a hanging joke but I always choke
\I'd tell you a constipation joke, but it's full of... well, you know.
I'd tell a Wesley Snipes tax joke but it's too evasive
I'd tell a big ass joke but it's too much to grasp
I'd tell an amputee joke but I don't have a leg to stand on
I'd tell a cyber-security joke but you couldn't hack it
I'd tell a joke about a joke but it'd be recursive
I'd tell a pot joke but it's half baked
I'd tell a small penis joke but there's not enough there
I'd tell a gay joke but I'm not sure I could tell it straight
I'd tell a porky pig joke but tha..tha..that's all folks!
Kim Jong-Un and Vladimir Putin were having a summit meeting at a 20-story building.
During a break, the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.
First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said: "Ivan, jump down."
Ivan replied in tears: "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son." Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.
Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window. Putin grabbed him and said: "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"
Struggling, Lee replied: "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"
A Polish woman wakes up her husband in the middle of the night.
"What happened?" The husband asks worriedly.
"Nothing..." said his wife, "I just don't understand how you can sleep with such a small salary."
* * *
A Polish father tell his daughter: "My darling, don't merry this man. He's crippled, ugly and an orphan."
The daughter, surprised and angry, tells him: "I only care about love, daddy, I don't care about his looks or his background."
Her father says to her: "I'm not talking about that. Don't you think he's suffered enough?"
* * *
A polish man goes to the doctor and complains: "Doc I have a problem, my wife is cheating on me, but I'm not growing any horns!"
The doctor, amused, explains to him that the whole cheating and horns thing is only a metaphor.
The man breaths in relief. "Thank god! I thought I was low on Calcium!"
* * *
Two Polish husbands are talking.
One says: "My best friend, Jimmy, ran away with my wife."
The second asks: "Is he still your best friend?"
"Not since he brought her back."
* * *
A Polish husband says to his friend: "Don't ask, my parrot died."
The friend: "Of old age?"
"No, of frustration. Since I got married he hasn't been able to get a word in edgewise."
* * *
A Polish mother asks her daughter: "I understand you've been having some disagreements with your fiance' about the wedding?"
The daughter: "Just small things, like I want a white dress and he doesn't want to get married."
* * *
"Will you cry at my funeral?" Asks a Polish husband his wife.
"Sure," answers the wife, "you know I cry over the silliest things."
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
Every Last Detail
A Canadian tourist is fascinated by the Native American way of life and culture, so he decides to visit a reservation in the United States to find out more.
After a long and dusty drive through the Arizona desert, he finally arrives at the reservation.
Soon after his arrival, the tourist meets an old chief, who claims to remember everything that ever happened in his life.
The tourist is curious and asks the chief: "What did you have for breakfast on your fifth birthday?"
Without hesitation, the chief replies: "eggs".
The tourist was very impressed by this, and he never forgot the chief’s words, even after his visit had long since ended.
Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again.
He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with "how".
“Scrambled,” the old chief replied.
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an 80-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be 21 in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an 80-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon..
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again..
'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'
'She's pregnant too.'
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy and am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blone jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."
Jeff and his girlfriend Jenny decide to become bank-robbers.
Jenny does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while Jeff waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.
At trial, the judge condemns Jenny to ten years in prison, while Jeff gets two years. However, once they get to their respective prisons, they discover that due to a clerical error Jeff will be serving ten years and Jenny only two. Despite of her insistence, Jeff convinces Jenny to keep quiet about it.
After two years Jenny gets out and she continues to visit Jeff faithfully every month and they exchange letters and phone calls regularly for the remainder of his ten years.
Finally, after he does his time, Jeff gets out and is joyfully reunited with Jenny. They get married and move to a different state and start anew, leaving their life of crime behind. They raise a family with children and grandchildren and eventually reach old age, after having lived a happy marriage.
On their 50th wedding anniversary party, the entire family and friends are gathered. A great celebration is had, with many laughs and stories, recounting their life together.
The conversation turns to the secrets to a happy marriage. One of the guests asks Jenny why she decided to stick with Jeff while he was in prison, despite all of the hardships.
Jenny answers: "Well... you know you have found the One when you finish each other's sentences."
Jacob was sitting in the hall of the school, bored out of his mind. Suddenly the teacher walked by and he asked her: "How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"
The teacher, amused, said "I don't know, how?"
Jacob then said "You open the door and put it in there!"
Then Jacob asked the teacher another question "How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?"
The teacher then replied "Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"
Jacob said "No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."
Then he asked another question: "All the animals went to the tigers birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"
The teacher a bit confused and said "The tiger?" Then the student said "No,the giraffe because he's still in the fridge."
Then he asked her just one more question: "If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you?"
The teacher then says: "Well. you would walk over the bridge."
Then Jacob says "No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the tiger's birthday party!" She laughs and walks away.
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
The Young Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes.
Suddenly, a blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes.What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde interrupts yelling:
"You stay out of this..I'm talking to that little a**hole on your lap!"
What is better than a physics joke? A meta physics joke.
Little Johnny and the Bullies
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.
Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
Do you want to die happy? I've heard lovemaking is a killer.
How to Give Your Heritage Respect
A couple just had their first son.
The husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife is half Chinese and half Italian. That's a lot of heritage to inherit.
They talk about it and they discover they both wish to have their son named after THEIR heritage.
A terrible argument ensues, causing both of them a lot of anguish. After a few days, they finally came to a decision that made both of them happy.
They decided on the name:
One of the Russian Ambassadors comes to President Putin and nervously tells him he'd like to resign.
"Why?" Putin asks him
"Ah, Mr. President, I can't find myself with these time differences!
I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep,
I last woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening,
I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday,
I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow.
"Well, these are just minor inconveniences! Says Putin. "Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hasn't taken off yet!"
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled.
"I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
He replied, "Well, you see my wife and I have married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.
"Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays? Happybirthday to moo…
The Politician and the Afterlife
While walking down the street one day, a high ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the politician .
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the politician head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the politician and lays an arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Of course! Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven.
God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have - about anything across the entirety of Space and Time.
So of course the man said: "Was I right?? Is the earth actually flat?"
God chuckled and said: "Of course not."
The man shook his head in disbelief, shaken to his very core, before murmuring: "This goes even higher than I thought..."
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."
The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too."
The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming up," said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
A woman meets with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours.
Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone suddenly rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.
The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi...
I'm so glad that you called...
Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time...
Oh, that sounds terrific..Love you too.
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was THAT?"
"Oh," she replies, "That was just my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children.
Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic, but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if-"
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy.
"Thank God he didn't ask about the other three." Muttered the wife.
A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking blonde and, somewhat improbably, asked her to climb this pole that was conveniently nearby.
For whatever reason, she decided to do it.
When she told her mother what happened, her mother scolded her:
"Don't you understand that they only wanted to see your underwear?"
The girl was understandably upset at being very stupid and naive and decided to show those boys a thing or two.
The next day, they repeated their request, and when she came home she was beaming.
"What are you so happy about?" asked her mother.
"I totally showed them. Today I didn't even WEAR underwear!"
Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house.
The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women.
The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.
Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...."
Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.
Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"
Snow White was in bed, feeling Happy. Happy got out, so she started feeling Grumpy.
Never Forget Her Birthday...
It was breakfast time at the Smiths' house. Linda turned to her husband Frank with an irritated look and said: "I bet you don't remember what today is!"
"Of course I remember!" declared Frank, and hastily left for work.
When he reached his office, he immediately went to his best friend's office and shouted: "Mark, you have to help me - I think it's my wife's birthday today and I completely forgot about it!"
Mark calmed him down and opined that he should send his wife several gifts throughout the day. "That way there is no way she'll realize you just remembered. Besides, pick the right gifts and you'll have a very happy woman on your hands..."
Frank immediately goes and does exactly that, sending his wife a beautiful dress, her favorite perfume and even some sexy lingerie, each delivered to the house every few hours.
When evening came, Frank return to the house beaming with pride, and met his wife standing with a huge smile on her face. "First the beautiful dress, then the perfume I like so much, and then even some sexy lingerie! You really surprised me my love!"
"Think nothing on it my love, happy-"
"I never thought I'd wear such beautiful clothes to pick my mother up from the airport!"
An American couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The American couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.
The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.”
My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?”
To which the German boy replies, “Of course.”
"How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father.
“Vell,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”
In a prison in China, prisoners are discussing who's in for what and for how long.
"Hey, Zhang- what are you in for?"
Zhang: "Strangled my wife's lover to death. Got 15 years. How about you, Wei?"
Wei: "I got 10 years for robbery and stabbing. What about you, Wang?"
Wang: "I got 5 years for attempted rape. What about you, Liu?"
Liu: "25 years for being lazy."
All the other prisoners: "WHAT?! HOW?"
Liu sighs. "Well, my neighbor and I were playing Go and after few shots of wine, started telling jokes about Jinping and the government. After my neighbor left, I thought to myself: "I should go to the government and report him". But it was late and I was tired, so I decided to go just wait until the morning and went to sleep.
My neighbor, on the other hand, wasn't as lazy..."
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
The Blind Guy at the Bar
A blind man enters a bar, carefully, and finds his way to a barstool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes very, very quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blond, and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
“Nah," says the blind guy, "not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
A man is sent to prison for the first time.
The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, "twelve!"
The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.
"Why are you guys just yelling numbers?" He asks his cellmate. "What's so funny about random numbers?"
"Well," says the older prisoner, "They're not random. It's just that we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it."
Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, "SIX!" But instead of laughter, a dead silence falls on the cell block. He turns to the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?"
"You didn't tell it right."
Four women share a birthday and always celebrate it together.
For their 40th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because the waiters are cute and wear tight pants.
For their 50th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because the prices are reasonable and it has a good wine list.
For their 60th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because it's quiet and has a nice view.
For their 70th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because it's wheelchair accessible.
For their 80th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because they've never been there before.
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the other dolls.'
The son of a Saudi mogul goes to study in Europe.
One night, the phone rings at the house of his parents.
Dad: 'How's your life going, son?'
Son: 'It's going well, dad.'
Dad: 'Is something wrong? You don't sound happy.'
Son: 'No Dad, everything's fine. Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here.'
Dad: 'Son, tell me the truth. I know something's not right.'
Son: 'Well dad, to be honest, I am a bit ashamed to drive to my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.'
Dad: 'My dear son, why didn't you say so earlier? I will send you more funds this instant. Please stop embarrassing us and go and get yourself a train too.'
A husband was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be 8 again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being 8 again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you idiot!"
An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.
The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.
The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.
He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.
Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of them, so the father drank them and ordered whisky instead.
He didn't like any of the Irish whiskeys the father ordered, so the old man drank them and decided to give up.
By the time they left the bar. The father was so drunk he could barely push his son's stroller home.
There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to the office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.”
“The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.”
“And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison.”
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, Wall of Fear, Screaming Monster Roller Coaster - everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed , "I meant my dress size, you dumbass!"
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, barely wanting to get out of bed, he decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with." He thought
"There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life. I should try and get a bionic hand like the doctors said!"
He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
"I'm not happy, my groin is itchy!"
Stop saying your life is a joke. A joke has meaning.
The Wife Isn't Keen
A man was in a bar with his buddies, recounting the events of the previous week.
It was payday the previous Friday, so he had decided to stay out with his friends for a spot of drinking. An evening out turned into a whole weekend of partying, and he only returned home on Sunday night, to bear his wife's inevitable wrath.
“My wife wasn’t too pleased that I didn’t show up for a whole weekend,” he said.
“What did she say to you?” asked his buddies.
“Well, she just nagged for what seemed like an eternity, then at one point, she asked me how I’d like it if I didn’t see her for two or three days,” he replied.
“And what did you say?” they asked.
“I told her it would be fine by me!”
“So did she leave?”
"Well no, she didn’t leave, but the joke’s on her. On the third day, my left eye opened up a little bit."
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat until the wrinkles fill out.
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy,
winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license!
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'These days, about half the stuff in my shopping cart says: 'For fast relief.''
There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes.
One day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.
She stopped and called the sheep herder over. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".
"Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.
Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
Little Johnny thought to himself that there was quite a large number of horses at this zoo
He wondered where all the other animals were, but was still happy to see the horses.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.
She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.
And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"
And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"
And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, sure. But never end the thing the lord gave us without changing everything first. I'm leaving tomorrow on a boat for Europe. I know one of the stevedores. I'll find you a place to stowaway, and we can start a new life over there. I'll make you happy. You'll make me happy. It doesn't have to be like this."
And she agrees.
That night they meet in darkness and he smuggles her aboard one of the lifeboats below deck.
He brings her a blanket, and some food, and for three weeks they have this tryst. Each night he brings her a sandwich and they talk and make passionate love until the dawn.
After the third week, the captain is doing a routine inspection belowdecks, and he hears a quiet rustling in one of the lifeboats And he pulls back the tarp and sees her, shaking in fear.
"WHAT are you doing here, madam??"
And she tells all, "I...I'm a stowaway! I have an...arrangement with one of the sailors on this ship. He's helping us get to Europe, and he lets me hide out in this lifeboat, smuggling me food."
"And?" says the captain
"And...well. He's screwing me."
and the captain says,
"He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry!"
What's the difference between 3 di**s and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
The Famous Grandfather
A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really?
What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
But he would be 165 years old."