Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe... You've seen a maul!
An Animal Game of Poker
In a part of Las Vegas humans don't know about, a group of animals are playing cards in Las Vegas... and arguing.
Lion: "Stop taking glances at my card, you're a cheetah!"
Cheetah: "No, you're a Lion!"
Warthog: "You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices."
Elephant: "Well I wouldn't be so hungry for cards if you weren't HOGGING all the wings!"
Warthog: "Tell that to the dude who thinks eating them will make him fly."
Ostrich: "You can't talk, you snort off of the table. Also, will we just ignore the fact that one guy ate all the bananas?"
Monkey: "Give me a break, I can't even get dinner protein after they fixed all the bugs in the slot machines."
Giraffe: "Why don't you just steal leftovers from random plates like I do? You just lean over."
The Dog at the table looks at all of them and rolls his eyes. "Ugh, I knew I should have played with my usual crowd!"
Jacob was sitting in the hall of the school, bored out of his mind. Suddenly the teacher walked by and he asked her: "How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"
The teacher, amused, said "I don't know, how?"
Jacob then said "You open the door and put it in there!"
Then Jacob asked the teacher another question "How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?"
The teacher then replied "Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"
Jacob said "No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."
Then he asked another question: "All the animals went to the tigers birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"
The teacher a bit confused and said "The tiger?" Then the student said "No,the giraffe because he's still in the fridge."
Then he asked her just one more question: "If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you?"
The teacher then says: "Well. you would walk over the bridge."
Then Jacob says "No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the tiger's birthday party!" She laughs and walks away.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle neck jumper.
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo? A turtle neck jumper.
The Lion's Birthday Party
Q: A plane is carrying one hundred bricks. One falls out. How many are left on the plane?
Q: What are the three steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge?
A: Open the fridge, put the giraffe in, and close the fridge.
Q: What are the four steps to putting an elephant in the fridge?
A: Open the fridge, take the giraffe out, put the elephant in, and close the fridge.
Q: Today is the lion king’s birthday party. All animals except for one arrive. Which animal is missing and why?
A: The elephant is missing because he is still stuck in the fridge.
Q: Sally must cross an alligator-infested river in order to safely make it out of a huge jungle. Usually, the alligators would kill any animal that approaches their waters. However, Sally makes it across safely. Why?
A: All the alligators are at the lion king’s birthday party.
Q: Unfortunately, Sally still dies. How did she die?
A: She was hit in the head by a falling brick.
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it? Giraffic Park.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other? A giraffic jam.
What do you call a royal giraffe? Your highness.
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit? Necktarines.
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe? Because it’s a tall order.
What happened when the two giraffes had a race? It was neck and neck.
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar. They couldn’t fit in.
Why don’t giraffes make good pets? They’re too high maintenance.
Why don’t giraffes do drugs? Because they’re naturally high.
Why do giraffes have long necks? Because their feet smell.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice? Neck-romance-y.
What’s green and hangs from trees? Giraffe snot.
Why did the giraffe graduate early? He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race? A long shot.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize? Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
How was the first giraffe made? Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party? He was a pain in the neck.
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet? A plane in the neck.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig? Bacon and legs.
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck? Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A centipede with athlete’s foot.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time? I’d like to get to gnaw you.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo? A turtle-neck jumper.
The worst part about being a giraffe… Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog? An extra long toilet brush.
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long? Because its head is so far from its body.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost. It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it. Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
The Mouse and the Giraffe
A mouse was sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar.
The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink.
Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink.
After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.
The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the bar stool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out.
The bartender took one look at this terrible state, lifted an eyebrow and said, "So, how did it go last night?"
The mouse said, "Man, that was the best lovemaking I ever had."
The bartender asked, "Then why do you look so bad?"
The mouse replied, "Hey, between the kissing and the lovemaking I must have run 10 miles!"
An elephant was drinking out of the river one day when he spotted a turtle lying fast asleep on a log.
The elephant walked over and kicked the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
A passing giraffe who happened to see this happen asked the elephant, "Why did you do that?"
The elephant replied, "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that bit my trunk 38 years ago."
The giraffe said, "Wow, what a memory you've got!"
"Yes," said the elephant proudly. "Turtle recall."