A man walks into a police station in tears and goes to the sergeant at the desk.
Husband: "My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home!"
Sergeant: "What is her height?"
Husband: "Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat."
Sergeant: "Color of eyes?"
Husband: "Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed."
Sergeant: "Color of hair?"
Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now?"
Sergeant: "What was she wearing?"
Husband: "Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly."
Sergeant: "What kind of car did she go in?"
Husband: "She went in my Jeep."
Sergeant: "What kind of Jeep was it?"
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full meltdown)
The sergeant, touched, hands him a tissue: "There there buddy. We'll find your Jeep."
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms: Olympic condoms.
Impressed, he decides to buy a pack to show his wife. After he arrives home, he proudly presents the Olympic condoms to his puzzled wife.
"Olympic condoms?" she asks him. "What makes them Olympic, exactly?"
"Well," answers her husband, "They come in three colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks with a smile.
"Gold, of course!" proclaims her husband proudly.
"Really," ponders the wife, "Why don't you wear Silver?"
"Why silver?" asks the husband.
"Well, it would be nice if you came second for a change."
A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."
The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"
This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"
Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out of my window each time I tell you what color I'd like a room?"
The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying turf across the street."
A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she has a near-death experience.
During that experience, she sees God and asks if this is it.
God says NO and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck - you name it, she had it.
She even has someone come in and change her hair color.
She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation when she is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"
"Oh, " Said God. "I didn't recognize you."
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth surgeon said, "I like technicians. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes.
One day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.
She stopped and called the sheep herder over. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".
"Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring? The Ether Bunny.
The Remakrable Native American
Many years ago, two cowboys come upon a Native American lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Native American looks up.
"Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Remarkable!"
The Native looks up weakly and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
I wasted my time on a vasectomy. All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
The Young Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes.
Suddenly, a blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes.What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde interrupts yelling:
"You stay out of this..I'm talking to that little a**hole on your lap!"
The FBI had an open position for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. They brought them in and starting running exams on their skills. They passed all with flying colors. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her.'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last one, a woman, was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some joker loaded the gun with blanks,' he panted. 'I had to do it the hard way.'
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color. It's sublime!
What do you call an imaginary color? A pigment of your imagination.
Problem with winking
A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well with one problem - he kept winking at the camera.
The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking is a real problem. I'm afraid we won't able to hire you unless you get it under control."
"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking for a couple of hours. More than enough time to get the broadcast done."
"Alright, show me," said the interviewer.
So the man reached into his pocket. First he put his hand in his right pocket, and as he took it out he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety and size, but no pills.
Next he dug into his left pocket, and again pulled out an embarrassing amount of condoms in all shapes and colors before finally finding the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and the second take went without a single hitch.
The interviewer said, "That's amazing, I'd hire you on the spot, except that we're not in the habit of hiring such womanizers. We've had too many sexual harassment suits."
"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"
"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.
The man sighed. "Have you ever tried going into a pharmacy, asking for aspirin and winking all the while?"
Three house pets - a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat - all die and go to heaven. As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.
God turns to the dog and says "The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate principles? What do you believe in?"
The dog says "I believe in loyalty, companionship, and love. I have been a cherished part of my owners family for many years."
God smiles. "Truly, you have a pure and loving heart. You shall sit at my right hand."
He then turns to the parakeet. "What do you believe in?"
"I believe in color, flamboyance, and music," the parakeet says. "For many years I have displayed my beautiful feathers and filled my owner's house with song."
"Your beauty is truly magnificent," God says. "And your song shall echo through the universe. You shall sit at my left."
God finally turns to the house cat. "And you, majestic little predator, what do you believe in?"
The cat lazily surveys God's throne and says, "I believe you are in my seat."
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red? She was feeling lighthearted.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents. The poor man dyed a loan.
Roses are red Violets are blue Brown is the color Of elephant poo.
The Bear and the Atheist
A photographer, who was also a confirmed atheist, decided to go into the woods to capture photos of the fall foliage. It was a beautiful day: fall colors, birds chirping, a babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.
While snapping shots, the photographer heard a noise behind him and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes.
He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running and running... And looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him! He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the man saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw... and the atheist cried out, "Oh, God, no!"
And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the man heard a booming voice say, "Young man. For years you've doubted my very existence, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?"
And the man thought for a moment, and said, "Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?" And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, "Done."
And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw. Then the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, "Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat."
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 20 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's half as long as theirs?!?"
"No, but it's the same color."
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. She screamed at him: "You're a pig! A pig with no honor! How dare you do this to me! I'm your faithful wife!" She was about to storm off, when her husband stopped her with these words: "Wait a minute, let me at least explain what happened!"
"Fine!" sobbed the angry wife, "but they will be your LAST words to me!"
"Well, while I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and haggard. I felt sorry for her, so I brought her home. She was hungry, so I made her a meal from the roast beef you thought was too fattening.
Her sandals were torn so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I got you for your birthday that you don't wear because the colors don't suit you.
Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you liked before your sister bought the same pair.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and said pleadingly, "Please, please, is there anything ELSE your wife doesn't use anymore?"
Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house.
The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women.
The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.
Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...."
Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.
Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"