The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
That Night in the Barn
Ned decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Carl, so they loaded up Ned's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry." Ned said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
About 2 years later, Ned got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Carl and asked, "Carl, that night at the barn, in that farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 2 years ago, do you remember it?"
"Sure I do." said Carl.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night and pay the widow a visit at the house?"
"Well, um, yes..." Carl said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her a false name?"
Carl's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm really sorry, buddy. I panicked a bit and gave her your name, actually. Why do you ask?"
"Because I'm rich. She just died and left me everything."
The protagonists of this joke are a husband and a wife.
The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.
"Well, I've seen you naked. You don't need that towel," says the husband.
"I just feel more comfortable this way," the wife responds.
"But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state," continues the husband.
The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo.
"I'll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time," he responds, and gets his picture, then heads for the shower himself.
He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.
"Why are you wearing that towel now - I want a photo of you in return," demands the wife.
The husband does as he's told, the photo's taken and they check the result in their digital camera.
"What will you do with this photo of me, then?" asks the husband.
The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again.
"I'll have it ENLARGED."
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was promptly greeted by the wail of a siren and flashing lights.
Cursing his luck, the man immediately knew what was coming, so he slowed down and pulled over.
The officer got out of his cruiser, as calm as can be, and walked over to the man's car.
He handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *only I* get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. They told meI wasn't putting in enough shifts.
My boss fired me. "Why?" Iasked. He said, "You always question authority." "How?"
Igot fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”. Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
My Dear, Let Me Confess
An old football player was dying.
So he called his wife and told her: "My dearest you see I'm dying. I must confess. I cheated on you twice throughout our marriage. Please forgive me."
His wife says: "I forgive you my love. But I have to confess, I too have cheated on you, 3 times."
"Three you say?" Said the husband, feeling like she cheated a bit more than him. "Who were they?"
"Well," said his wife sweetly.
"Do you remember it was so difficult to admit you as a football player in the team? So I went to the couch and did something. That was the cause for you to be a player in the team."
Her husband was alarmed but he was thankful she did it for him. "Who else?"
"Well, do you remember when you entered the team no body didn't pass you? I went to 10 others players so they changed a friendly treatment during half times."
"You did WHAT?!" He spluttered.
She continue, "And do you remember during matching nobody in town encouraged you? Well.."
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest seated beside her: "Father, may Iask a favor?"
"What is it you wish of me, my son?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, father, no one will question you."
When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said: "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
My son askedme why our sailboat is named Blood I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
The Problem With the Light Switch
Recently I was having trouble with my light switch so I called for the maintenance guy.
An old grizzled Chinese man arrived shortly after and inspected the switch. He stated that the light switch was working perfectly fine but noted that indeed it was not working as I had said.
"This is not a job for just one person. You need more people to help you." He said, so Igot my wife to help. Still no good.
"More people" he said as he saw it still not working. So at that point, Igot my son and daughter to help as well but still no luck
"Many more." He said. Luckily the neighbors were home and after a quick discussion with them I had the whole clan from next door over to help. In total there were now 11 people, plus the maintenance man in the lounge.
At this point the maintenance man tells me to get everyone to touch the switch and to try it again and sure enough, it worked. I was flabbergasted and asked how and why this had worked now where it wouldn't before with just myself
He replied "Many hands make light work."
After a weekend vacation, the sear gent got to the military base only to find out that none of his soldiers made it on time. It took 3 hours before they started showing up. By then he was about to explode with rage.
He decided to summon each of them to his office and get an explanation.
The first soldier walks in, and the Sergeant asks: "Well, what's your excuse for showing up so late?"
"Sorry, sir! I can explain! You see, I was late for the bus and had to hitchhike, no cars stopped, and then suddenly, an old man driving a horse and buggy stops and offers me a ride! Well, you know, I couldn't refuse the man's kind gesture, and Igot on, only it took forever to get here, and that's why I was late!"
"Hmmph," said the surprised Sergeant, "I guess that's a reasonable explanation." and he let the soldier go.
He called the next soldier in and asked for his excuse.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain! You see, I was late for the bus and had to hitchhike, then this old woman with a horse and carriage stopped for me..." and the soldier tells him the same story, that he was late because the buggy was so slow.
One after another, all the soldiers file in and tell him the exact same story. They all felt too bad to say no, and were late as a consequence.
The last soldier than walks in, and the Sergeant, now quite angry, says: "I suppose you hitch-hiked too?" His voice dripping with sarcasm.
"And I suppose you also got a ride?"
"And I suppose it was on a horse and buggy?"
"No???" asked the surprised Sergeant.
"No sir, it was a 2014 Mercedes, sir!"
"Then why the heck were you late??" Shouted the sergeant.
"We tried to make good time sir," answered the soldier apologetically, "but the road was completely blocked with horses and buggies!"
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world. She askedme, “Can ewe even imagine?”
Do I Really Need to Do That, Father?
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and askedme to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, Iasked her to pay for the attic with sexual favors and she accepted," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands of the Germans had they found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can Iask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
Igot arrested for the way I eat corn. They charged me with a salt and buttery.
Father, I Must Confess My Sins
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
Annoyed, the librarian composed himself before he answered.
"9 am," came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until 9 am?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
The librarian began to get angry. "No, not until 9 am!" said the librarian. "Why do you want to get in before 9 am anyway?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
One Sunday morning Michael burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, Michael's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk to you. Look at your mother, Michael. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. I'm afraid Susan is the result of one such affair. She is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
Michael was brokenhearted. He broke up with Susan the next day.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Michael. I'm awfully sorry about this."
Michael was livid! He broke up with Diane that same day, leaving her in tears. He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared and told her about his father's secret.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
"Oh, " his mother shook her head, "What are you listening to him for? He's not even your real father."
Michael's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Michael replied...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Michael his reward, he stops her by saying: "WHOA, hold on there sweetie...
I haven't added them up yet!"
P.S - Please let us know if you've seen him, we're very worried.
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther:
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation... only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I been takin' your advice 'bout where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
"I'm taking Earlene with me."
My sister askedme to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead She still won’t talk to me
I Can't Manage That Test!
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about two miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.
When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to the next city to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my behind to jail, 'cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
When I was about 7 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a co-worker of his, someone I didn't even know.
When we got there, I stood in a corner waiting for the time to pass. A bitter looking man approached me and said, "Enjoy life kid, enjoy it because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it." Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving took me with him to pay honors to his friend. When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!!
I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone. I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years. It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
It was many years later when I discovered something remarkable that completely changed my life.
That bastard had a twin.
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Lately, he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said: "You have been with me all through the bad times. When Igot fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When Igot shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
A Catholic goes to confession.
"Forgive me father for I have sinned." He begins.
"Go on my son." says the priest.
"I swore the other day, in the most profane way." says the man.
"Continue." says the priest.
"I was on the golf course and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway."
"And this is when you swore?" asked the priest.
"No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough." said the man.
"Ah, so this must have been when you swore." Said the priest.
"No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it." continued the man.
"Ahhh I see." says the priest "This MUST have been the point where you swore."
"You'd thinks so but no, because as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed just two feet from the hole."
They both remain quiet for a few seconds, then the priest says: "You missed the feckin' putt, didn't you?"
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and Iasked if they were gay. Then they arrested me.
Iasked my Mom if I was ugly. She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
The other day a homeless man askedme for some change so Igot my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note. I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?" I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager askedme if I can perform under pressure. I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did Iasked him why he was ignoring me.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know." Waiter: "Iasked if you were dining alone." Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
Some guy called me a tool. So Igot hammered and nailed his girlfriend.
What Did You Call Me!?
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, 'Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?'
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.'
So the farmer says, 'Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.'
The trooper says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute he stops and says, 'Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?'
The farmer says, 'Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.'
The trooper says, 'Well, that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says softly, 'Hard to fool them flies though...'
An Austrian maid asks the wife who employs her for a pay raise.
The wife became very angry about this and decided to talk to her about this raise.
She asked, “Now Anna, why do you think you should get a pay increase?"
"Well, madam, there are tree reasons why I should. The 1st is that I do iron better than you."
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Anna: “Your husband he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
The second reason: “Annaeez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “That's a lie, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Anna: “Your hozban he did.”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Anna: “The third reason is that I am better than you in bed.”
The wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth, asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Anna: “No Madam… The gardener did.”
A moment of silence passes...
"So... how much do you want?”
A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.
A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive."
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.
"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"
The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.
When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."
"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."
I went to see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a blond from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.
“Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.”
By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?”
“No!” she said in a loud whisper. “The ‘Turn Off Your Phone’ message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car.”
My son askedme what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
Give Me Whisky
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine." Sighs the office. "I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac." Says the man. "If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Because I'm too drunk."
A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed.
He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary.
The operator at the other end said: "Are they in your house?"
He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house.
The operator said there were no cars available at that time.
He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again.
"I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well, you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!"
Within seconds there were three police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene.
After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!"
The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"
A mother was driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy?" the little girl asked. "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite.."
"Okay", the little girl said. "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really!" the mother said. "Those are personal questions and are none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asked, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That's enough questions, young lady. Honestly!"
The exasperated mother walked away as the two friends began to play.
"My mom won't tell me anything about herself," the little girl said to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl said to her mother, "I know how old you are. You're 32."
The mother was surprised and asked, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother was past surprised. She was shocked.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl said triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce!"
"Really?" the mother asked. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
A wealthy man died and went to heaven.
He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter, who welcomed him warmly and told him he will be taken to his forever heavenly dwelling. He then led him down the streets of gold. They passed castle after fantstaic castle, then huge mansion after mansion, then beautiful cottages, until they came to the very end of the street and Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little wooden shack that looks like its about to fall down.
“Welcome Home.” said Saint Peter.
“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.
“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.
Igot a C in Physics and my parents grounded me. They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
I Swear, He Can Talk!
A man and his dog walk into a talent agents office.
"All right, lets make this quick i have things to do, what's your talent?" asks the agent.
The man says, "Its not me sir, its my dog -- he talks!"
"Yeah, right," says the agent. "I don't have time for this, now get out of here before I throw you out."
"No, wait," says the man. "I'll prove it." He turns to the dog and asks, "What do you normally find on top of a house?"
"Roof!" says the dog, wagging his tail.
"Listen, pal..." says the agent.
"Wait," says the man, "I'll ask another question." He turns to the dog again and asks, "How does sandpaper feel?"
"Rough!" exclaims the dog.
"Quit wasting my time and get out of here," says the agent.
"One more chance," pleads the man. Turning to the dog again, he asks, "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?"
"Ruth!" barked the dog.
"Okay, that's it!" says the agent, and forces the man and the dog out the door.
Turning to the man, the dogs sighs and says:
"Maybe I should have said Joe Dimaggio?"
My wife askedme why I bought a pear tree. I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
I Wonder How Paul is So Fast
Paul got a part-time job at the Post Office.
He was thrilled, because he had been looking for employment for a while, without any luck.
It wasn’t long before his first day arrived, and he headed to the Post Office brimming with confidence.
The first assignment his supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail.
Paul separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur.
His supervisor was astounded as his speed. At the end of the first day, he approached Paul..
"I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had."
"Thank you, Sir," said Paul, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did today?"
Paul replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses!"
My son askedme, what’s a Greek urn? I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
I Was Going to Tell a Joke, But...
I'd tell you a confidence joke but I'm insecure
I'd tell a war joke but I'm afraid it would bomb
I'd tell an enema joke but you couldn't hold it in
I'd tell a flogger joke but it doesn't have much impact.
I'd tell a bondage joke but it's too restrictive.
I'd tell you an underground railroad joke but you'd run away.
I'd tell a monotone joke but it doesn't have any range
I'd tell a hanging joke but I always choke
\I'd tell you a constipation joke, but it's full of... well, you know.
I'd tell a Wesley Snipes tax joke but it's too evasive
I'd tell a big ass joke but it's too much to grasp
I'd tell an amputee joke but I don't have a leg to stand on
I'd tell a cyber-security joke but you couldn't hack it
I'd tell a joke about a joke but it'd be recursive
I'd tell a pot joke but it's half baked
I'd tell a small penis joke but there's not enough there
I'd tell a gay joke but I'm not sure I could tell it straight
I'd tell a porky pig joke but tha..tha..that's all folks!
A quarrel broke out between a man and a woman while traveling for dinner at a restaurant. They quarreled almost all the way and just before they arrived, the wife said to the husband: "You are very lucky to have me, no other normal woman will want you!".
The frustrated husband decided to prove to his wife that she was wrong and find women who would be interested in him already during dinner. The hostess who led them to the table smiled at the husband endlessly, laughed at his jokes and even offered to take his coat, so of course as soon as she left he turned to his wife with a triumphant look on her face.
"Don't get too excited, it's just her job and she's married too."
"How do you know?"
"Because I saw a ring on her finger."
A short time later the husband had to go to the bathroom, and on his way back he collided with the chair of a woman sitting alone at a nearby table. He apologized, ordered her a drink at his expense, talked to her for a few moments and sat down with his wife again. "Just so you know, she invited me to sit down for a drink with her!"
"Don't get too excited, she's probably half blind."
"How do you know?"
"Because I saw her enter the restaurant with a walking stick."
After a few minutes a waitress went to the table and as she took the order from the couple it was obvious that she was staring at her husband and flirting with him.
"Here! You see?!" He said to his wife after the waitress left, "There are normal women who want me!"
"Don't be an idiot, she has corona."
"How do you know?"
"Because if she's interested in you then she has no sense of taste!"
A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.
As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $100 for sex."
The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.
After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $125."
One day a husband comes home from work. His wife greets him and says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, my car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof.
She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.
"Great! What did he charge?" he says.
"Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Cheeky! Well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour. The guy askedme for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
Do You Know What I Think?
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Little Johnny, Fred's brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Little Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"
"That's disgusting — don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies.
After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to askme?"
"Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone."
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife askedme to put ketchup on the shipping list. Now I can't read it.
Someone askedme recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
I Know Exactly Where to Put You
One day, three unemployed factory workers heard that a large food company was enlarging and needed more staff.
So they went downtown to see if they could get themselves a job.
After filling out their applications, each one was interviewed and each one managed to get hired.
As they were waiting to be assigned their new duties, a foreman came by and spoke to the hiring boss.
The foreman told the boss that he didn't think it was such a good idea as one of the workers had snapped for no apparent reason at his last job.
Also, a second was said to have had cracked up after severe mental stress. The third, he believed was their father who he felt was a bit odd but he couldn't put his finger on it. The hiring boss reassured the foreman and said that they would start on something easy and after a week, the company would re-assess them to see if they would be kept on. The foreman reluctantly agreed and asked the boss where he thought they should start.
The boss replied, "Why not take them and put them in our Cereal Division - Snap, Crackle, and Pop should work out fine down there."
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day He was rather open-minded if you askme.
I've Got a Surprise For You!
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received two tickets in the mail for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them."
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor but failed in the effort.
They went to the theater and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value! And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:
"Now you know!"
Dave the ranch hand had just finished up his work for the evening and is about to get into his car when a man dressed in black appears from the bushes with a gun in his hand.
"Give me everything you've got!" he screeches at Dave.
So Dave hands over his money and his wallet, but as the man is about to leave Dave stops him.
"Say..." he says to the robber. "Could you shoot a few bullets in my hat to make it look to my wife like I was truly afraid for my life? She'd think I spent it on booze and gambling otherwise."
The robber had a wife too so he agreed and shot a few holes in Dave's hat.
Dave then asked, "Please shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not like a coward."
The criminal sighed and shot the coat.
Then Dave said: "Can you please shoot-"
"please, no more, I'm out of bullets!" said the mugger tiredly.
"That's what I wanted to hear." Smiled Dave unpleasantly. "Now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue!"
A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy): "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
Coffin will be closed.
A kid once askedme "How do Stars die?" I told him "Usually of an Overdose."
This Is Why I Stopped Attending, Rabbi
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to temple. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered.
"When Igot to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then Igot to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me."
"So?" the Rabbi asked indignantly.
"So I don't want to remind him!"
A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage."
The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes I am. But let meask you something. If Iasked you for Italian Sausage, would you askme if I was Italian? Or, if Iasked for German Bratwurst, would you askme if I was German? Or if Iasked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you askme if I was Jewish? Or, if Iasked you for a Taco, would you askme if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well no."
"And if Iasked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you askme if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you askme if I was Canadian?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't."
With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you askme if I'm Polish just because Iasked for Polish Sausage?'
The clerk replies, "Because you're at a Home Depot, sir."
A married couple moves into to a new home. After a few days, as the husband returns home from work, his wife says to him, "Honey, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?"
"What do I look like, a plumber?" asks the husband, and goes to sleep.
A few days later, the wife once again turns to her husband and says, "Honey, my car doesn't start. I think it may need a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like, a mechanic?" asks the husband with a frown.
A week goes by, and the wife once again turns to her husband and says, "Dear, the roof is leaking, could you do something about it?"
"What do I look like, a roofer?" asks the husband. "Take care of these things yourself!"
He then leaves home for a week on a business trip. "When I come back," he says to his wife, "I'd like all these things taken care of."
He comes back a week later and is astonished to discover the roof is fixed, the car is running and the pipes are brand new.
"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls at his wife.
"Nothing at all." said the wife. "The neighbor popped in and turns out he's a handyman. He said he'd fix the whole thing if I'd just bake him a cake or sleep with him."
"Wow," said the husband. "What kind of cake did you make him?"
"What do I look like," exclaims the wife, "a baker?"
Igot hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Am I Losing My Mind?
A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening.
The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.
Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.
He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again.
Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine.
Feeling despondent as he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries like he had promised himself.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."
The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life.
He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.
"Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied in the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know sh*t about cars."
My son askedme, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered... "Swarm."
Who Has the Worst Marriage?
Three married men are sitting in a pool club and arguing over who has the worst marriage.
One of the men says, “I have it the worst. My prudish wife won’t sleep with me more than once a month!. She refuses!"
The other men shake their heads. One of them asks, “what did you do about it?”
The man says “I slept with that horny blonde over there by the pool table. Unlike my wife, she’ll do anything.”
The men laugh.
The second man says, “You think that’s bad? My uptight wife won’t even sleep with me once a year!"
The other men shake their heads and one of them asks, “so, what did you do about it?”
The man says “Igot my rocks off with that same slutty blonde over there by the pool table. She’ll literally do any guy."
The men laugh, then the third man says, “That too bad for you guys, but honestly, I definitely have it the worst.”
The men say, “what’s the problem with your wife?”
The man says, “Well for one, she’s always down here playing pool...”
My sister askedme for some spider puns. I told her to look them up on the web.
I Don't Know Where to Put It
A young virgin couple is finally wed.
Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither is willing to admit it or ask each other about it.
Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.
"Pop, what do I do first?"
"Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies.
So, the young man does as he is advised.
The girl is mortified and calls her mama.
"Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies.
After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.
"Now what do I do?" he asks.
His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she urinates!" is the dad's advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks.
"Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.
"He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying.
But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.
One time she was sitting next to a man.
When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After a while, he turned to her and asked: "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?
She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then YOU can ask him." replied the lady.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as Igot in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a conflict. (Even when very drunk I figured 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband askedme what time Igot in. I told him "MIDNIGHT".
He didn't seem angry in the least. Whew, Igot away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When Iasked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh cr*p.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and passed wind."
Iasked my wife what she wanted for her birthday..... She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings." So Igot her nothing.
My Teacher Wants to See You...
A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."
"What happened?" The father asks.
"Well, she askedme, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So Iasked 'what's the bloody difference?'
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"
"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."
"Why?" asks the father.
"Well we had a gym class today, and he askedme to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he askedme to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so Iasked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my penis??'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet."
"Don't bother, Igot expelled."
Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"
"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
"What the bloody hell was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.
"That's what I bloody said!"
My landlord askedme out on a date. He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
Honey I Want You to Find Out Everything
A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiancé to his library for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he says. "A Torah scholar? Hmmm," the father says.
"Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man said, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies. "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé.
The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks: "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers: "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to John and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice. . . .
"Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
The zookeeper told meI wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so Iasked why the zebra had a barcode.
The Chainsaw and the Troublesome Customer
A guy enters a Home depot and tells one of the employees that he wants to buy an electric saw to cut down trees. The employee says "Igot just what you need! Look at this beauty, it can cut down 100 trees a day!" The guy likes it, buys it and goes home.
The next week the same guy comes back to Home Depot with an angry face and tells the employee "This electric saw is terrible! I could only cut down 50 trees a day!". The employee answers "I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Look, we got an even better option: this new electric saw that can cut 200 trees a day!"
The man's face lights up, he returns the old electric saw and buys the new one.
One week after he comes back with an even angrier face and demands the employee: "You told meI could cut down 200 trees with this saw, but I can only cut down 100! I want my money back!". The employee apologizes: "I am truly sorry to hear that. Look, we just got this brand new, state-of-the-art electric saw that can cut 400 trees a day!". Again, the guy returns the old saw and happily buys the new one.
One week passes and the guy storms into Home Depot. He yells "I am fed up! No matter what I did, I could only cut down 200 trees a day!"
The employee says "ok sir, let me have a look at the saw". So the employee takes the saw, and cranks it up. The sound of the motor can be heard throughout the whole shop.
The guy looks at the employee with disbelief and asks "What the hell is that sound?!?"
There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to the office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.”
“The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.”
“And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison.”
My Grandad askedme how to print. I said "Control P" He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
Pray For Me, Father
Following the events of the previous week, Larry knew he was going to have a very big problem with his hearing, so he decides to go to the revival meeting to see if the preacher there could give him a hand with it.
When he arrives, Larry sits down quietly and waits until the preacher asks the congregation if anyone needs his assistance through prayer.
The old man raises his hand, and the preacher motions for him to come over and queue up with the other people who are in need of some divine assistance.
He patiently waits his turn, until he’s up next. The preacher asks him: "Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
"Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.” he replies.
The preacher puts one finger in Larry's ear and places his other hand on top of Larry's head.
He prays for what seems like an eternity, totally committed to ensuring Larry doesn’t have any further problems with his hearing.
After he prayed for him sufficiently, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked Larry:
"Larry, how is your hearing now?"
"I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."
My daughter askedme if I could put her hair in a bun. I said... “I could but I think the baker might object”.
Who Am I?
One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Craig, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented.
Craig, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'
The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Craig responded, 'Your name came up seven times.'
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.
One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews.
The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."
Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears."
Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, glasses would fall right off wouldn't they?"
A Polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasn't very good, they got along very well.
One day he rushes into a lawyer's office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions:
"Have you any grounds?"
"Yes, an acre and half and nice little home."
"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It made of concrete."
"I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have carport, and not need one."
"I mean what are your relations like?"
All my relations still in Poland.
"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."
"Does your wife beat you up?"
"No, I always up before her."
"Why do you want this divorce?"
"She going to kill me."
"What makes you think that??"
"What kind of proof?"
"She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:
I went with a friend to buy a grey cotton sweatshirt.
I bought one but when Igot home I noticed a little rip in the left sleeve. I showed it to my friend who encouraged me to return it.
Would you believe, when Igot to the store, the salesperson said "I'm sorry. This isn't the sweatshirt you purchased. Our records indicate that the sweatshirt you bought was 80% rayon and polyester. We can't take back this cotton one."
"I'm afraid you're wrong", said I, smiling at my friend, who had been with me through the whole affair. "I did indeed purchase a cotton sweatshirt." I pointed to my friend.
"This is my material witness".
People askme if I wake up grumpy in the morning. No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
My boyfriend askedme if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose. I shouldn't have named two.
When my boss askedme who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
I Wonder If It's Him...
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class, some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, Iasked him if he had attended Northmont high school.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a thunderbolt," he said gleaming with pride.
"When did you graduate?" Iasked.
He answered, "in 1975. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!", I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely, then, the ugly, old, bald, wrinkle-faced, fat, gray-haired, decrepit fool asked, "What did you teach?"
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant. I never got a straight answer.
I KNEW You Were Drunk
Igot pulled over earlier today...
Cop: “License and registration sir? You show signs of being drunk.”
Me: “Officer I assure you I haven’t even had a sip.”
Cop: “Alright sir, well how about a quick test. Imagine you’re driving down the dark road and see two lights in the distance, what is it?”
Me: “A car..?”
Cop: “Of course! But what kind? A Chevy, Dodge or a Ford?”
Me: “How the hell am I supposed to know.”
Cop: “Just as I suspected, you’ve been drinking.”
Me: “But sir, I didn’t drink anything.”
Cop: “Okay, then tell me, on the same dark road, one light shows up in the distance, what is it?”
Me: “A motorcycle.”
Cop: “Well DUH. I meant... is it a Honda, a Harley or a Kawasaki?”
Me: “I have no idea!”
Cop: “Go figure, you’re intoxicated.”
Me: “Okay, then let meask you this. You’re driving on the highway around midnight, and you see a woman on the roadside, wearing a miniskirt, fishnets, high heals, and a bra for a top. What would you call her?”
Cop: “A hooker of course.”
Me: “Yes of course, but is it your wife, your daughter, or your mother?”
And long story short things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms. I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
Losing His Last Name
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," the driver replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks he has a mental case on his hands but he has a long shift ahead and he's bored, so he goes along with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades."
"When Igot older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."
"After a while Igot bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD."
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD."
"Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD."
Then the VD took away my dingaling . So now... I'm just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
Igot a valentine from a pickle today... It meant a great dill to me.
When I Was Younger...
When I was in my younger days, I weighed a few pounds less. I needn’t hold my tummy in To wear a belted dress.
But now that I am older, I’ve set my body free; There’s the comfort of elastic Where once my waist would be.
The inventor of those high-heeled shoes My feet have not forgiven I have to wear a size nine now, But I used to wear a seven.
And how about those pantyhose They’re sized by weight, you see, So how come when I put them on, The crotch is at my knees?
I need to wear these glasses. As the prints were getting smaller; And it wasn’t very long ago I know that I was taller.
Though my hair has turned to silver And my skin no longer fits, and the outside, I’m not what I used to be.
But here on the inside, I’m still the same old me!