When I was about 7 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a co-worker of his, someone I didn't even know.
When we got there, I stood in a corner waiting for the time to pass. A bitter looking man approached me and said, "Enjoy life kid, enjoy it because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it." Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving took me with him to pay honors to his friend. When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!!
I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone. I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years. It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
It was many years later when I discovered something remarkable that completely changed my life.
That bastard had a twin.
There are some unexpected joys about being on the other side of 70, for example...
Kidnappers aren't very interested in you.
In a hostage situation, you will probably be released first.
No one expects you to run into a burning building. Or run at all.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.
You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
You get into a heated argument about pension claims.
You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with the elevator music.
Your eyes won’t get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
And you may not remember who sent you this list.
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town.
If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill. Now I’m in arrears.
One day an old man wrote a letter to God and tied the letter to a tree outside a church.
The priest came and took down the letter.
It read "Please God, I'm a poor man, please send me $100,000 so I can pay my debts and live peacefully".
Being a kind priest, he took donations around town for the old man and raised $5,000. He put it in an envelope and wrote on it "From God" and left it next to the tree when he saw the old man come visit again.
The next day, the old man came back and tied another letter to the tree.
The priest then came and took down the letter and read it excitedly.
"Dear God, thank you for sending me the money. Next time, please send it to me directly as the priest can't be trusted, can you believe he took $95,000 of the money!"
General Motors, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,600 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that bloody slacker did here?"
From across the room came a voice: "That was the pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards, they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible.
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film. A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted: "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "what would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his a** up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
Two blondes were driving down the road. The driver noticed that she was low on gas, so she stopped at the gas station.
While she was pumping her gas, she noticed that she had locked the keys in the car.
When she went inside to pay, the blonde asked the attendant for a coat hanger so she could attempt to open the door herself.
She went outside and began to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant went outside to see how the blonde was faring.
The blonde outside of the car was moving the hanger around and around.
Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car was saying: "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well... you pay $10 and if you pass three tests,you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'
'You must pay first... Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while,the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says, here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex... You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things'
'Your call,' says the bartender... 'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks,he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks... But he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds.
Then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead,he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and blood all over his body.
He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'
The moral to the story: Listen carefully to the directions, and don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved!
Jesus and the devil were arguing over which one of them was the better computer programmer.
"I am!" Jesus shouted.
"No, I am!" the devil countered.
"EEEEEEENOUGH!" God bellowed, and the whole universe disappeared into darkness.
When the lights came back on, two computers were sitting in front of them.
God said "Now, whoever makes the best computer program in twenty minutes wins."
Jesus and the devil both sat down, typing and clicking furiously.
This went on for about 15 minutes, but then there was a power failure, and everything went dark.
When everything came back up again, the computer screens were both blank.
The devil tried in vain to get back everything he had lost.
He came up empty-handed.
Jesus pressed one key and it all came back.
The devil looked at him in astonishment. "No way! How did you do that?!"
Jesus turned to him and smiled, and said "Everybody knows Jesus saves."
2 couples were playing a round of poker one summer night, when one of the husbands, Bob, accidentally dropped a few of his chips on the floor. As he bent down to retrieve them, he couldn't help but notice that Jay's wife Kate was touching him with her foot in a very obvious way.
Later, Bob went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Kate followed him and asked, "Do you like what you see?"
Surprised by her boldness, Bob courageously admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $5000." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Bob indicated that he was indeed interested.
She told him that since her husband, Jay, works Friday afternoons and Bob doesn't, that Bob should be at her house around 2:00 PM, Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolls around, Bob shows up at Jay's house to make love to Jay's wife at 2:00 PM sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon $5000.00, they go to her bedroom and have a great time, just as Kate had promised. Afterwards, Bob quickly dresses and leaves.
As was his habit at 6:00 PM, Jay returned home from work. Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly, "Did Bob come by with my money?"
With a lump in her throat, his wife answered, "Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Jay curtly asked, "And did he give you $5000.00?"
In terror she assumed she'd somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, she replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me a five thousand dollars."
Jay, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised Kate by saying, "Good, I was hoping so. Bob came by my office this last night and borrowed 5 thousand dollars from me. He promised me he'd stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
A tourist driving across rural England decided to stay the night in a small town.
The only place with rooms available was a quaint English pub, The George and Dragon, which had a lovingly painted sign with a Knight beside a defeated dragon blowing in the evening breeze.
Entering the bar room, which while empty had a roaring fire against the back wall, leather padded booths, and a mahogany bar with brass rails, polished to a shine, they went up to the bar and asked for a room.
"Rooms cost £20 per night, we don't accept euros, and you must be out by 7am tomorrow, or else you pay for both days."
"Alright then, could I get something to eat ma-"
"Kitchen closed at 6, and I am not going back there until 11am tomorrow, no matter what you say. Anything else?"
"Yes, could I please talk to George?"
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations? They pool-ed their resources!
Two Sisters and a Ranch
Many years ago there were two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, who inherited the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly...
A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost 24 hours on the road, they're felt too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room, but they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy): "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
Coffin will be closed.
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
A Different Type of Hell
A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.
At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome.
However, at the Italian Hell a long line of people are waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Italian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Italian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery.
He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.".
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
First year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered in a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine,it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students initially freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anus of the corpse and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at the class and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game. Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
Naughty Clerk Tries It On With a Pretty Girl
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa pay the man."
An accountant was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, gesturing to a fat 60-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
While walking down the street one day, a high ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the politician .
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the politician head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the politician and lays an arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Of course! Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet..God willing, someday you will be.- the 2.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake..
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you? The money that you have to pay for therapy.
Take a Look at My Caddy
A man and his wife were driving through the country from New York to California.
Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up.
About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant.
"Fill 'er up with high test,"replies the driver.
While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down.
"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."
"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy, is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.
"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sunroof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack, and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, an 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.
"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change.
Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.
"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
A man faces a violation for adding horse meat to the chicken stew in his restaurant. At the court he’s asked why he did it and how much horse meat was in those stew.
“For the money of course and I solemnly swear I always kept the ratio 50:50!”
While the infraction caused many unhappy customers, upon seeing the man’s honesty the judge decides not to revoke his license. However he in turn must always advertise that horse is part of the ingredients. With a sigh of relief, the restaurant owner pays the fine and walks out of the court house with his wife and friend
He friend asked him “Did you really put horse meat or did you add anything else with the chicken?”
“Nope. Only horse meat and chicken”.
“Now tell me the truth man, come on, it was mostly horse meat wasn’t it?”
“Nope. It was always 50:50... one horse per one chicken.”
Walking through a supermarket, a young woman noticed an old lady following him around.
She ignored her for a while, but when she got to the checkout line, she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said. “I’m sorry if I’ve been staring, but you look just like my daughter who died recently.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” the young woman replied. “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Well, as I’m leaving, could you just say ‘Goodbye, mother!?’ It would make me feel so much better.” She gave her a sweet smile.
“Of course I can,” the young woman promised, touched.
As she gathered her bags and left, she called out “Goodbye, mother!” just as she had requested, feeling good about her smile.
Stepping up to the counter, she saw that her total was about $100 higher than it should be. “That amount is wrong,” she said. “I only have a few items!”
“Oh, your mother said that you'd pay for her.” explained the clerk.
A man was lying on his deathbed, waiting for his for his final moment to come. He was totally calm, especially seeing as there was a priest there to give him his last rites and prepare him for his journey into the next life.
Wanting to ensure that the entire process was complete, the priest commanded the man: “Denounce the devil! You must let him know that you are opposed to his evil ways and shows him that you think very, very little of it.”
Unmoved by the priest’s vigor, the man simply lay on his bed, stared into space and said nothing.
The priest repeated: “Denounce the devil now! You can’t have long left and need to show him whose side you’re on.”
Once again, the man didn’t react. It was as if the priest hadn’t said anything at all.
The priest, now puzzled by the man’s complete nonchalance toward what he was saying, asked: “Why do you refuse denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man replied: “To be honest, after the life I’ve led, I’m not really sure where I’m going to be headed. With that in mind, I don’t think I ought to be aggravating anybody, should I?”
A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is.
"You're in Hell," said the devil, appearing. "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is!"
"What!?!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"
"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realize - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."
Unconvinced, the guy prepared to object but the devil cut him off.
"Let me give you an example," he said, "what's today? Monday right? Yes, Monday. Do you gamble?"
"I gamble a little bit," said the guy, "I play poker with my friends every now and then and always have a bet on the big horse races."
"Perfect," said the devil, "then you're going to LOVE Mondays, Monday is our gambling day. In the morning we play blackjack and roulette, at lunch we bet on the horses, in the afternoon we bet on sports games and at night we play cards. It's really a lot of fun, you're going to LOVE Mondays"
"That does sound ok," said the guy, "but if it's all the same to you I want to talk to the man upstairs and see..."
"Do you drink?" the devil interrupted.
"Sure," said the guy, "everyone likes a drink every now and then."
"Perfect," said the devil, "then you're going to LOVE Tuesdays, Tuesday is our drinking day. We wake up, have breakfast with amazing Bloody Marys that takes us to an early lunch where we have pizza and beer then drink beer and whiskey all afternoon until dinner time where we have the best wines, followed by port and cognac. A very popular day, you're going to LOVE Tuesdays."
"That does sound pretty good," said the guy, "but..."
"Do you ever do drugs?" said the devil.
"I smoke pot every now and then," said the guy.
"Perfect," said the devil, "then you're going to LOVE Wednesdays, Wednesday is our drug day. Probably our most popular day to be honest. We start off nice and easy with the finest hash, then move on to coke as a nice pick me up, then we go out and do ecstasy and dance and have a great time then we wind the day down with some top-notch heroin. And don't worry about the dangers because you're already dead! Yes you're going to LOVE Wednesdays"
"Actually that sounds great," says the guy
"Perfect," said the devil, "are you gay?"
"No, I'm not." said the guy
"Oh," said the devil, "then you're going to hate Thursdays."
I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission.
Sure, I've seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission.
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
The Old Acorn Tree
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! The Devil and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
The old man beat the boy to the gate.
How do you get a musician off your front porch? Pay for the pizza.
The Price of Discount
Matt and his wife lived in the country. Matt was very stingy and hated spending money. One day a fair came to the nearby town.
"Let’s go to the fair, Matt,” his wife said, “We haven’t been anywhere for a long time.”
Matt thought about this for a while. He knew he would have to spend money at the fair. At last he said, “all right, but I’m not going to spend much money. We’ll look at things, but we won’t buy anything.”
They went to the fair and looked at all the things to buy. There were many things Matt’s wife wanted to buy, but he would not let her spend any money. Then, in a nearby field, they saw a small, old looking airplane.
"Fun flight!” the notice said, “$20 for 10 minutes.”
Matt had never been in an airplane and he wanted to go on a fun flight. However, he didn’t want to have to pay for his wife, as well.
"I’ve only got $20,” he told the pilot. “Can my wife come with me for free?”
The pilot wasn’t selling many tickets. So he said, “I'll make a bargain with you. If both of you can hold from screaming or shouting the whole flight, you won't have to pay for her.”
Matt agreed, and got into the small airplane with his wife.
The pilot took off and made his airplane do all kinds of things, up and down and all around, tricks, fast turns, everything he could to scare them. But they never uttered a word.
Eventually, the pilot said, “O.K., we'll land now. None of you made a sound so your can have her ride for free.”
"Thank you,” Matt said. “Wasn’t easy, especially when she fell out.”
A man decided to spend the night with a prostitute.
When it was over she told him to pay $500. He said he’d send it to her in an envelope marked “Rent for Apartment.”
The next day, however, he regretted that he spent the night with her and sent only $250. When she wrote him a letter asking why he didn’t pay full price, he wrote her a memo saying:
"Dear lady, I am including a check for $250 for your rent. I am not sending you the sum we previously agreed on, as before I rented the apartment I was given the impression that:
1. The apartment had not been used before.
2. It had adequate heating.
3. It was small enough for me to feel comfortable in it.
Instead, I found the apartment had been used many times before, had no heating and was too big for me!"
Quite pleased with himself, he sends the letter.
A few days later the prostitute responds in her own letter, saying the following:
1. You should have known such a beautiful apartment had been rented before.
2. The apartment did have adequate heating. You just didn’t know how to turn it on.
3. The apartment was the perfect size. You just didn’t have large enough furniture to fill it.
You are hereby asked to pay the rent in full or I will be forced to contact your current landlady!"
A pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner.
As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they continue their conversation, he can't help himself and eats one after another.
By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, "Mrs. Jones, I'm so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."
"That's O.K.," she says.
"They would have just sat there anyway. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl!"
A large woman goes to a plastic surgeon.
"What can I do for you?"
"Well, I really don't want to spend much money, but I want to make my breasts much bigger. How can you do that for me for almost no money?"
The doctor tells her, "You don't need surgery to do that. Just take toilet paper and rub it on your chest every day."
The surprised woman asks, "How does THAT make them bigger?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step? Pay for the PIZZA!
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory." Friend: "What did he do?" Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
The Unexpected Guest
A man returned home a day early from a business trip. It was after midnight. While en-route home he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he wanted to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man!
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, 'Don't do it ! I lied when I told you I inherited money:
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season tickets.
HE paid for our house on the lake.
HE paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head in amazement, the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?'
The cabby replied, 'Me? I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold!!'
My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”
“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I screwed a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”
The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm.
The grandfather asks, “What the hell happened to you?”
The grandson says, “I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to screw a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender — but they beat the crap out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!”
The grandfather says, “Well who the hell did you go with boy?”
The grandson says, “My friends from school, who did you go with?”
The grandfather says, “Well…the Nazis.”
A big, burly man knocked on the door of the pastor's house one day and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman known for her charity work and her love for the poor and helpless.
The woman opened the door and saw the man had tears streaming down his face.
"Oh, whatever is the matter?" she cried out.
"I come to you today, dear woman, for the purposes of doing charity and good work," said the man in a hopeless voice.
"Come in, come in!" The woman admitted him inside and they sat in her living room.
"Madam," said the man in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar.
He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck.
When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!
The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00
He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"
"I'm sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."
"Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"
"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager.
"Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"
A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts up a sign outside.
It reads: 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Doctor: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh, this is kerosene!'
Doctor: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.'
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'
Doctor: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'
Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.'
Doctor: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.'
The fuming lawyer pays him and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'
Doctor: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'
Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!'
Doctor: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20.'
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
Employment Conditions at The Ranch
A man owned a small ranch in Montana.
The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus he gets free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
"He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.
"He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," said the agent.
"That would be me." replied the rancher.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do? Pay him.
A Forgetful Old Man Goes For His Physical
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell you the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient.
"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."
An Austrian maid asks the wife who employs her for a pay raise.
The wife became very angry about this and decided to talk to her about this raise.
She asked, “Now Anna, why do you think you should get a pay increase?"
"Well, madam, there are tree reasons why I should. The 1st is that I do iron better than you."
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Anna: “Your husband he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
The second reason: “Annaeez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “That's a lie, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Anna: “Your hozban he did.”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Anna: “The third reason is that I am better than you in bed.”
The wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth, asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Anna: “No Madam… The gardener did.”
A moment of silence passes...
"So... how much do you want?”
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
How to Turn a Nice Profit While Flying
A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if I get it wrong or don't know, I'll give you five dollars, then I ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars."
"No," she says. "I just want to sleep."
He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says he will pay her 500 dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" he asks.
She gives him 5 dollars. "What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?" she asks.
He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn't got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars. Then he asks her: "So what is the answer?"
She hands him 5 dollars.
Once upon a time, there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired about the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.
On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So they did.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So instead, the King hired the donkey on the spot.
And thus began the ancient-old practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, I asked her to pay for the attic with sexual favors and she accepted," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands of the Germans had they found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. Bill Vaughan
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.” Sam Ewing
Haggling With St. Peter
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes.
Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
Many years ago, a wealthy woman, quite fond of collecting antiques and curiosities, found a vase during her travels.
She liked the vase so much that she decided to paint her entire display room the same color as the vase. She put out an announcement saying that she will pay out a great deal of money to anyone who can come up with the matching color paint.
Many painters came to examine the vase, but try as they might, they couldn't create a paint quite to the woman's satisfaction.
One day, a painter comes along asking to examine the vase and promising that he could come up with a matching color. True to his word, after a minute looking at the vase, he is immediately able to deliver to the owner's satisfaction, and is awarded the job.
This incident made him famous, which he used to launch a thriving business.
Many years later, he decides to retire and hand over the business to his son. His son says to him, "Dad, I have just one question for you. How did you get the paint to match the vase so perfectly?"
His father looks at him and says: "Can you keep a secret?"
The old man comes close to him, leans over and whispers: "I painted the vase."
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
Pub and Sausage
Sean and Mickey are planning to go out on St. Patrick's Day, but only have 50 cents between them.
Sean has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Mickey, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage.
Mickey is really pissed off at first that Sean spent their last money on a sausage, but Sean lets him in on his plan.
"We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it."
So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Sean suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out.
Sean says: "see it works, we didn't pay did we?"
As Sean's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it.
By the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Mickey isn't looking to good. They have just finished their pints.
Mickey: "I can't do this anymore Sean my bloody knees are hurting like heck."
Sean: "No worries mate... I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!"
The CEO of a company fell ill on a day when he had tickets to see a concert. As a gesture of kindness, he gave the tickets to the company's efficiency expert, to enjoy with his wife.
Next morning, the CEO was surprised to find a report on his table, written by the efficiency expert, and this is what it said:
I was sent, by you, to the concert, the main piece of the evening being Schubert's unfinished symphony, although personally I think unfinished work should be disqualified. I have watched the performance and here are some, but not all, of the malfunctions I found:
1. The most obvious problem was that they had 22 violinists play the exact same tune! Such reckless waste! I believe that at least 21 of them should be fired.
2. The drummer was doing nothing for long stretches of time. I would suggest he be put on a different clock, so we can keep an eye on him and only pay him when he actually does any work.
3. Many of the musical segments kept repeating themselves, and I fail to understand the point of having the flutes play the same segment as the oboes. If we can cut down on these repetitions, we can finish the symphony in 20 minutes instead of 2 hours.
4. Regarding the equipment: I've noticed a horrible lack of stardanization when it comes to musical instruments, and especially when it comes to string instruments, I've seen small ones, big ones, one you hold under your chin and some you hold between your legs. I think that one size for all these instruments will save time, money and confusion, as well as make maintenance easier.
5. The conductor, the most senior employee, did not play as much as a single tune the entire concert, and showed a lack of respect to the customers, while standing with his back (his back!) to the audience. There were even a few times he was threatening his staff with a stick, which should never be allowed. I would suspend him with no pay until we can get to the bottom of this. Psychological councling may be advised.
I am quite sure that if Mr. Schubert had avoided these issues, he would have managed to finish his work, instead of leaving us with an unfinished symphony!
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook? An arm and a leg!
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White. The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
The CEO, the Employee and the Rock Climbing
A CEO went on a rock climbing trip with one of his employees.
The CEO, an experienced climber, reached the top of a difficult section and was holding a rope tied to both men. As the employee was climbing up, he lost his grip, and was only saved by the strength of the CEO who was barely able to hang on. The CEO yelled, "Hurry, I'm losing my grip!", but the employee was so scared he couldn't find a handhold. The CEO yelled, "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to let you go."
The employee, accepting his fate, was praying when a wad of cash hit him in the face. He yelled to the CEO, "What the hell is this for?"
The CEO, while cutting the rope, replied, "It's your severance pay."
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing."
"Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "Our problems are over, there's no way they will fail to find us now!"
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you? The money that you have to pay for therapy.
A War With the Devil
Fed up with God's creations, Lucifer decides to lead an army to destroy humanity.
The war had been raging for many years, and humanity was slowly losing. Lucifer could raise a never ending stream of demons, and until he was contained, the fighting would never end.
In order to stop him, God gives the humans a ritual that would seal away Satan forever. The Pope was recruited to carry out this command the operation. However, before they could seal Lucifer away, they first had to find him.
Suddenly struck with an idea, the Pope went to gather the world's most renowned authors and artists. When they were assembled, the Pope set them to work on creating the most elaborate work of fiction in history. Every corner of this work was written and illustrated, every blade of grass meticulously described out in words and brush strokes.
After years of continuous work, the project was finally compete. Bound together into a million page book, the tome described a universe in more detail than real life could ever manage. The book was placed on an alter, and with the preparations compete, the ritual began.
To everyone's amazement, as soon as Holy Light stuck the book, Lucifer himself appeared. Like a shadow in the light, his presence radiated evil. But it was too late for him, the light closed in onto the book, and Lucifer was bound within it, never to escape.
There was silence for a minute, then everyone erupted into cheers. Amidst the celebration, someone asked the Pope how he knew where to find Satan. The room grew quiet as the generals and Cardinals awaited his answer. "Well", he began, "It was really quite simple."
"Everyone knows the devil's in the details."
I was in Walmart the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy.
I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
I said, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."
We older guys are helpful like that.
A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
Rather predictably, the minister looked upon the cowboy with scorn - he viewed alcohol as being the work of the devil.
Nevertheless, the flight attendant then asked him if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
Two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’"
The telegraph operator shakes his head.
"How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?"
The brunette explains, "My sister’s blond. She’ll read it very slowly."
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "Which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Yo Momma so poor she can’t afford to pay attention.
The Attractive Shoe Shiner
A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a gorgeous woman kneels down and shines his shoes.
The man says, "Hi there. You know, you and I should spend some time in a hotel room."
She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that."
The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference."
She says, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore. I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill. So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
An Atheist in Hell
An atheist dies and goes to hell
The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"
They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".
They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"
As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.
Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?"
The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the Christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way"
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier? They docked his pay.
The Old Lady and the Money Bags
A police officer is walking his beat when he catches with his eye a trail of $50 notes leading into an alley. Curious, he immediately goes in and finds an old woman with two bags of trash dragging on the ground, one of them leaving $50 notes in its wake.
He calls the woman to halt and approaches her.
"Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole". He points out.
The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:
"Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?"
"Well, you see Mr.Officer," the old lady explains, "I have a lovely house at the end of the street and it just so happens to be right next to a very famous bar. I don't mind the noise but every night there are always some drunkards that piss all over my garden." She said, her voice shaking with indignation.
"So, yesterday night I stood there with my pruning shears and whenever someone got their thingy out I'd say: '$50 bucks or I'll cut it off!'"
Laughing at the amusing idea of those scared drunkards handing their money, the Police Officer lets her go about her way. But as she turns to go he jokingly asks:
"Is the second bag filled with money too?"
"Well, you know Mr. Officer, not everyone pays."
A man and his wife were driving through the country on his way from New York to California.
Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill it up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down.
"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."
"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What features does it have?" asks the attendant.
"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, an 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!"
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.
"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.
"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"