A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed. Suddenly, at 4 o'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man:
"Oh No! That must be my husband!"
The man quickly got out of bed, panicked and naked.
He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed on the ground, picked himself up and went straight through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run as fast as he could to his car...
A few minutes later the door opened and the man was standing at it, panting hard, with dirt and scratches all over him.
He yelled: "I'm your husband, you mad cow!"
And the woman answered:
"Oh, yeah? And why were you running, you bastard?!?"
You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pickupline.
Baby's First Check Up
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed," she replied.
"Well! We'll have to check you out. Alright then, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She undressed and the doctor began his exam. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. He frowned, then continued squeezing and pressing for a few more minutes.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said,
"No wonder this baby is underweight - you don't have any milk!"
"I know," she said. "I'm his Grandma, but I'm certainly glad I came."
A guy gets pulled over by the police, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”
“I can’t”, the guy says. “I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”
“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim replies, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”
“Okay,” the cop answers. “Then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim. “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.”
“I can’t do that either,” responds Jim.
“Why not?” asks the cop.
“Because I'm completely drunk! I could go to jail!"
Three divorced men meet up and talk over beer.
"You know, I'm not really enjoying this whole divorced thing." Says Bill, sighing.
"Me too," says Sam, "I was sure I'd be sowing my wild oats by now! But I've had no wild adventures to speak of."
"I hear ya," says Jeremy, "I haven't had one exciting encounter. Even the women I do sleep with never offer anything new or exciting."
"Sounds like we all have the same problem," says Bill. "What do you say we find a brothel and make ALL of our fantasies come true?"
The three, now quite inebriated, all think this is an excellent idea, and follow Bill to the nearest brothel.
When they get there, Bill goes to the madam and tell her they'd all like to do something special and naughty.
She gives him a smile and a wink and all three are led by beautiful women away.
An hour later, Bill and Sam meet up in the lobby, both smirking.
"Wow," says Sam, "I just the time of my life! That wasn't bad at all!"
"You have no idea," grins Bill, "She catered to my every fantasy!"
Suddenly, they both hear a woman scream. "No... NO!! Anything but THAT!"
Rushing to see what the matter is, they find Jeremy getting dressed while his 'lady of the night' is screaming at him.
"Woah!" Says Bill, "What did you ask her to DO, you sick bastard?"
"I just asked if I could pay with discover."
My daughter pickedup a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?" "No," I replied, "there is only one."
The Blind Shopkeeper
A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She said, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He said, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She said, "that's amazing! You can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter?
I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh that sounds like a Mastercard." He notes.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally toots. At first she is really embarrassed,
but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and said, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asked,
"Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replied, "Yes, Ma'am.
The rod and reel is $20.00,
but the Duck Call is $11.00 and
the Bear Repellent is $3.50."
She paid the bill…
Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house.
The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women.
The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.
Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...."
Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.
Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"
A man has to drive for a few days to get to his new house.
After a long and tiring drive throughout the night, the driver decides to pull over on the side of the road to take a nap.
A man knocks on the car's window and this wakes the driver from his sleep. The man asks the driver what time it is. The driver looks at his watch and replies, "It's 8 AM" and goes back to sleep.
After a while, another man knocks on the car's window and wakes the driver from his sleep. This man also asks the driver what time it is. The driver replies "It's 8:05 AM" and goes back to sleep.
Sure enough, after a while, again, another man knocks on the car's window and asks the same question. The driver, now annoyed, replies, "It's 8:07 AM". He picksup a piece of paper and writes in bold letters "I don't know what time it is!", sticks it on the car's window and goes back to sleep.
The driver is again woken from his sleep by a knock on his window. The man knocking on the window says, "It's 8:10 AM, you're welcome!"
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar? His pick-upline was too cheesey.
What pickup line can you use to pickup a cheese lover? “Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
Will the Morons Please Stand Up
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner.
A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, 'Let's get off the corner.'
No-one moved, so he resorted to the loudspeaker. 'Let's get off the corner!' it boomed.
Still, no-one seemed to take any notice.
'Alright folks, if you don't move after I count to three, I'm breaking out my baton!' the rookie cried.
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave in a hurry, casting puzzled glances in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, 'Well, how did I do?'
'Pretty good,' replied the veteran, 'especially since this is a bus stop.'
Women defy the laws of physics... They are easier to pickup the heavier they get.
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? Pick him up and suck on his co*.
A Mysteriously Moving Car
This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was roiling and no car went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop.
The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door - and only then realized that there's nobody behind the wheel!
The car starts very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life.
He hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel.
The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve.
Gathering strength, he gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes into a bar, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying, but wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked in the same bar and one said to the other: "Look, Pepe, that's the נשדאשרג that got in the car while we were pushing it!"
“The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.“
“I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:
‘No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall’ ".
“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning, and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.”
“Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.”
“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.”
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”
“The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.”
“I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.”
“I was always a good housekeeper. Whenever I divorced I always kept the house.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.”
“My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.”
“Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”
“I am opposed to millionaires, but it would bedangerous to offer me the position.”
“Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.”
Herbert Henry Asquith
“I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.”
“A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.”
W C Fields
“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth, or the fourteenth.”
“We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.”
“Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you.”
Doctor to patient: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.”
“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.”
Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard. I just picked it up as I went along.
God Checks Up On His People
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the mischievous behavior that was going on, so he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for some time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said? No?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either!
A tourist climbed out of his hire-car in downtown Washington, D.C.
He was intent on visiting the White House and take in the city's other world-famous sights, but he felt hungry so he decided to pop into a store to buy himself a snack.
As he pulled up to the curb outside the store, he saw a well-to-do man standing on the sidewalk.
He said to him: "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
PickingUp the Wife's Test Results
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town.
If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
Pick-upline: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
Windows vs. Ford
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:
"If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash - twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
A boy linesup to get some apple juice and a girl linesup to get some orange juice This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
How to Inflate a Car
A blonde lived with two blonde roommates. She bought a new car, and on the way home from the dealer got caught in a terrible hail storm. Her brand new car was dented all over.
When she got home she called the service department to ask what she should do. They offer to send the car to a mechanic but she'd have to pay for it. She tells them she has absolutely no money. Couldn't they just send someone anyway?
The service chief, being a prankster, told her to wait till the car was cool and then blow hard on the tail pipe, which would pop out all the dents.
A half-hour later her roomies saw her on her knees behind the car, blowing as hard as she could.
They asked what the heck she was doing and she told them, adding in a perplexed tone “But it's not working”.
“You dummy” one of her blond room mates said. “You have to roll up the windows first!“
A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.
The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Oh... he is breast fed!" replied the woman.
"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.
She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.
After a few minutes of this, the doctor motions to her to get dressed, then he says - "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"
The woman responds with a wry grin, "Well of course I don't."
"Why is that?" Asks the doctor in surprise.
"Well, I'm his aunt, but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in today!"
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get so stressed that little things seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it - he was a dwarf!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
A sweater I bought was pickingup static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
A Blond Changes Hair Color
There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes.
One day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.
She stopped and called the sheep herder over. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".
"Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
The Pope goes to New York and gets pickedup at the airport by a limousine.
When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"
"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"
"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
The thought of the Pope getting behind the wheel scared the driver - what if he got into an accident?
On the other hand, the driver felt that he couldn't say no to the Pope himself, so he reluctantly obliged and let his Holiness get behind the wheel.
To his utter dismay, the Pope turns the key, lights up the limousine's rear tires and speeds up like a maniac!
After driving in excess of 100 mph in a 45 mph zone, a police car drives up alongside them and orders them to stop immediately. The Pope slams on the brakes and comes to a dead stop, as does the pursuing police officer.
The police officer emerges from his vehicle, briefly peers through the limousine's window, then hurriedly steps back in.
His sergeant got this call:
Cop: "Sir, I have a problem."
Sergeant: "What kind of problem?"
Cop: "Well, I pulled over this driver for speeding, but he's someone really important."
Sergeant: "Important like... the mayor?"
Cop: "No, no - a lot more important than that."
Sergeant: "Important like... the governor?"
Cop: "Way more important than that, Sarge."
Sergeant: "Important like... the President?"
Cop: "Even more important than him."
Sergeant: "Who's more important than the President?"
Cop: "I don't know sarge, but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!"
What is the difference between a car and a bull? A car only has one horn.
God is Watching
The children were linedup in the cafeteria of a Catholic primary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
"Take only one. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, "Hey, we can take all we want.
God is watching the apples."
Man: Any Generic PickUpLine Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
Man: Did you fall from heaven? Woman: No, but I'm an Angel and died fifteen years ago... just like that pickupline.
The Priests, the Car and the Warning
Five atheists are driving in a car when they pass a church. Two priests are tending the lawns outside the church. As they see the car they wave their hands and point at a sign outside the church says "Beware! The End is Near! Turn yourself around Right Now before it's too late!"
The atheists shout at the priests "Leave us alone you miserable religious fanatics!" and speed away!
Suddenly there is the sound of screeching breaks and a splash!
One priest turns to the other and says "Do you think the sign should simply read 'Bridge out'?"
A 72 year old man had one hobby - he loved to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say
again, 'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?'
I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'
With age - comes wisdom!
You may be getting older if...
When your spouse says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!”
When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
When going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
When you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
When getting a little action” means you don’t need to take any fiber today.
When “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
And of course - When an “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee!
A blond meets up with a friend as she's pickingup her car from the mechanic. "Everything ok with your car now?" "Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies. "Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?" "Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
A blond meets up with a friend as she's pickingup her car from the mechanic. "Everything ok with your car now?" "Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies. "Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?" "Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pickup his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
I Can't Manage That Test!
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about two miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.
When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to the next city to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my behind to jail, 'cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the linepicked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
What do you call a mouse who can pickup a horse? Sir!
The Brilliant Solution
A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and $8 million later, they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.
They solved the problem by using a special scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a soap box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.
A while later, the CEO decides to look at the first week report. Since the scales were put in place, no empty boxes had been shipped out of the factory. Each day about a dozen defective boxes were being removed, which was consistent with the projections. There were almost zero customer complaints and they were gaining market share. The CEO felt the $8 million was well spent.
However, the number of defective boxes pickedup by the scales dropped to zero after three weeks. He filed a bug against it and after some investigation, the engineers came back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't pickingup any defects because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.
"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang."
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.
Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car.
It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.
"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw.
“And what on Earth do you intend to do with that?!?” the priest asked.
“I’ve decided that I want to bless the car as well.” the rabbi replied.
He promptly walked over to the back of the car and sawed two inches off the tailpipe.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party? You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
How to Annoy Nelson Mandela
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Please leave", and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr. Mandela is getting a bit annoyed by now, so he shoves the smaller man back, shouting: "Look, push off ! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, the same man is standing there thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are two very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picksup the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"
There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.
About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pickup because his phone is off.
The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.
The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".
"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.
"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."
The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."
The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"
The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."
The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"
The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minutes of brushing each, then we decide."
"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.
Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance."
The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles.
The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth.
The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picksup. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died."
The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."
A blond dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries.
The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes."
Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blond is on the line again.
"Never mind," giggles the blond, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida):
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment... make it memorable!
What do you call a Koala that can pickup an elephant ? Sir!
Two Blondes and a Car
Two blondes were exiting a restaurant when they discovered, to their horror, that they locked their keys in their car.
The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"
The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."
The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"
The other one answered," No, people will think we're too stupid to use the coat hanger."
The other one said, "Well we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain and the sunroof is open."
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano. But it's not an easy instrument to pickup.
Betsy and Dan were married for 25 years. They were famous for fighting and generally disliking each other. One the 26th year Dan had a heart attack and died.
A few days later Betsy walks into the local newspaper's office and asks to post an obituary.
The Ad Editor informs her, "We can do 4 lines with a maximum of 80 words for $100".
"Nah." She says, "That's a a lot of money and he didn't do much. What else you got?"
"Ok," Says the editor awkwardly. "We can do 3 lines and a maximum of 25 words for $35."
"Nope, still too expensive..." She grimaces. "What else ya got?"
Flustered, the ad man wants to get her out the door and tells her, "We have the economy options - 2 lines, 5 words max, $5."
She agrees. So he fills out the order and asks, "okay, what do you want it to say?"
She thinks for a moment and then says:
"Dan's dead. Car for sale."
What do you call a otter that can pickup an elephant ? Sir!
The Perfect Car for His Wife
A man walks into a car dealership. A salesman greets him at the door and after some chatting they end up taking a car for a test drive.
“This car is so quiet sir” exclaims the salesman “the ride is calm and relaxing”.
The man shakes his head “No, I’m buying this car for my wife and I certainly wouldn’t describe her as the ‘quiet and calm’ type”.
The salesman quickly transfers his potential buyer to another car. “Then perhaps this would be more her style! This car is quick, sleek and agile”.
The man sighs “no, my wife is certainly not the ‘sleek’ type by any means.”
Frustrated, the salesman transfers the man to a third car, a sure winner. “Now sir, I happen to know this car is very popular. Nearly every man who has been here has taken it for a test drive-“
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied:
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this - somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying:
“Congratulations on your new location!”
When the american said: "Did you know that our air force is so big, that when all our planes are out flying. We can't even see the sun!"
"That's nothing!" scoffed the Englishman. "Our Navy is so huge, that if we lineup all our boats we can walk on a straight line all the way from England to America without getting wet feet.
After a short while the African said: "One day when I was taking a piss in the forest, 14 crows landed on my penis... At the same time."
That was when they all realized that maybe, just maybe... They all over exaggerated .
The American admitted: "Well, maybe we do see the sun shining through...".
And Englishman answered: "And we actually have to swim a bit to reach the american shoreline..."
And the African said: "And those 14 crows... Well, they were sitting pretty close together."
Yo Mama so short she has to use a ladder to pickup a dime.
A Blond and Her Car
A blond lived with two blond room mates. She bought a new car, and on the way home from the dealer got caught in a terrible hail storm. Her brand new car was dented all over.
When she got home she called the service department to ask what she should do. The service chief, being a prankster, told her to wait till the car was cool and then blow hard on the tail pipe, which would pop out all the dents.
A half-hour later her roomies saw her on her knees behind the car, blowing as hard as she could. They asked what the heck she was doing and she told them, adding in a perplexed tone “But it's not working”.
“You dummy” one of her blond roommates said. “You have to roll up the windows first!“
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.
The mysterious old woman greeted him warmly and said: "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."
When I was a kid, I went to a psychiatrist for one of those aptitude tests. On the desk, he put a pitchfork, a wrench, and a hammer and he said to the nurse: ‘If he grabs the pitchfork, he’ll become a farmer. If he grabs the wrench, he’ll be a mechanic, and if he takes the hammer, he’ll be a carpenter.’
I grabbed the nurse...
The town was so dull, one day the tide went out and it never came back.
Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question: ‘Guess who I ran into.’
A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to £3. The manager said: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the piano and you only charge £3?’
He said: ‘What?’
A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: ‘Did you put anything on it?’ I said: ‘No, he liked it as it was.’
My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says: ‘Oh, do it yourself!’
My wife does her own decorating, but she overdoes it. The other day I opened the fridge and there was a lampshade on the lightbulb.
I swam the English Channel once.
‘But a lot of people have swum the Channel.’
She’s always smiling. She’s the only girl I know whose teeth are sunburnt.
A leopard went to see a psychiatrist. He said: ‘Every time I look at my wife, I see spots before my eyes.’
The psychiatrist said: ‘That’s only natural.’ The leopard said: ‘But, doctor, she’s a zebra.’
A drunk was brought into a police station. He pounded his fist on the counter and said: ‘I want to know why I’ve been arrested.’ The sergeant said: ‘You have been brought in for drinking.’ He said: ‘Oh, that’s all right, then. Let’s get started!’
I always sit in the back of a plane. It’s much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!
A man is going skydiving for the first time.
After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.
The man goes up in the airplane and waits to get to the proper altitude.
Excited, he jumps out of the airplane.
After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens.
He tries again. Still nothing.
He starts to panic but remembers his backup chute.
He pulls that cord. Nothing happens.
He frantically begins pulling both cords but to no avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes.
Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up!
As the other man gets near, the skydiver yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"
The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
I'm lactose intolerant so please keep your cheesy pickuplines away from me.
An Unlikely Destination
2 policemen went on patrol and at 4 o'clock at night when they suddenly saw an older man walking alone in the street wobbling and barely walking a straight line.
They stopped him for questioning, make sure he's not drunk in public or getting into a car to drive home. "Where does sir come from please?" They asked him.
"I come from the best place in the world!" He answered in a very slushed voice. "This is my favorite bar that has the best drinks and the nicest girls! Each one is friendlier than the next!" The man continued and winked at the cops.
"It sounds like a great place." Said one of the officers. "And where are you going at a time like this? Shouldn't you be in bed?"
"What? sleep!? No way, I'm on my way to a lecture on alcohol addiction and its effects on the body, the harms of smoking and proper social behavior."
"Reaaaally?" an officer said dubiously, exchanging knowing looks with his partner. "Are you sure you didn't drink too much tonight? I seriously doubt anyone is giving lectures on these topics at a time like this."
The man sighed and said, "Tell that to my wife...
Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys.
The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the attorneys pickedup the physician's shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney pickedup the other shoe and spat in it.
The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
SMART ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked.. "Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid re plied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2020
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, Or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-azz guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking blonde and, somewhat improbably, asked her to climb this pole that was conveniently nearby.
For whatever reason, she decided to do it.
When she told her mother what happened, her mother scolded her:
"Don't you understand that they only wanted to see your underwear?"
The girl was understandably upset at being very stupid and naive and decided to show those boys a thing or two.
The next day, they repeated their request, and when she came home she was beaming.
"What are you so happy about?" asked her mother.
"I totally showed them. Today I didn't even WEAR underwear!"
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pickup his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DARN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"
A husband decides to join his wife for the first time playing golf. He's never really been into the game, but since his wife was playing with all these men around, he wanted to come and check it out.
All day long he complains: About the heat, about the other people, about how long it's taking...
They are on the 9th green when suddenly he collapses from a heart attack!
"Help me," he groans to his wife.
The wife calls 911 on her cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picksup her putter, and linesup her putt.
Her husband raises his head off the green and stares at her. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the wife calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" he asks feebly.
"No time at all," says his wife. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
Three guys are talking in a bar one day. They start talking about how their cars reflect their careers.
The first guy says, "I'm a pimp and so I drive a cheap Escort."
The second guy says, "I'm a herpetologist and so I drive a Dodge Viper."
The third guy says, "I'm a proctologist, and I drive a brown Probe."
How do bats lineup in school? In alpha-bat-ical order.
That's Not It...
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.
The soldier would pickup any piece of paper he found, frown and say,
"That's not it" and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
Two blonds lock their keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.
Finally the first blond says "Darn, I can't get in the car!"
The other blond replies, "keep trying! It looks like it is going to rain and the top is down!"
A man is sitting in the bar at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him. He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto: "We love to fly and it shows".
The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: "Winning the hearts of the world".
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: "Going beyond expectations".
The woman looks at him wearily and says: "What the heck do you WANT, moron?"
"Ah!" he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. "American Airlines..."
A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
A bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picksup.'
'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! 'If he picksup the dollar, he's going to be a business-man, and that would be okay, too. 'But, if he picksup the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be. 'And worst of all, if he picksup that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he pickedup the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He pickedup the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher whispered in horror, 'He’s going to be the next president!'
A man walks into a bar and briskly orders 12 of the most expensive whiskey shots.
The bartender lines 12 up shot glasses and fills them up. The man quickly downs all 12 of them back to back and taps the bar, “again.”
The bartender looks a little surprised, but lines of 12 more shots. The man quickly downs all 12 shots and hits the bar, “again.”
The bartender, visibly concerned, fills up 12 more shots and lines them on the bar. The man quickly downs all 12 shots and hits the bar, “again.”
The bartender says “hold up man! You gotta slow down!”
The man says “trust me, if you had what I had, you’d be drinking this fast too.”
“My God,” says the bartender, quietly leaning over the bar he asks, “what do you HAVE?”
My father was a blind carpenter until he pickedup his hammer and saw.
My father and grandfather work for the DMV. I come from a long line of long lines.
Getting Those Snails
One day, a gentleman's wife is planning on hosting a dinner party and wants to class it up a bit, so she sends her husband out to pickup some snails for escargot. He picksup the snails and starts heading home, but on the way, the gentleman runs into an old friend and stops to chat for a minute.
The two get to chatting and the friend suggests, "Wanna grab a pint?" To which the man replies, "No, I should really be getting back, my wife'll be pissed if I'm late for her dinner." So after some more minor prodding the man, of course, goes out for the one, snails in hand. The fellas get to drinking and lose track of time, drinking into the night until the man looks up at the clock and realizes, "Oops! I'm 4 hours late for the darn dinner!" So he snatches up his bag of snails and tears down the street to home.
As the man starts up his walk, stumbling and plastered, he trips on the front steps, raising a cacophony of sound and alerting his wife to his beleaguered presence. She slams open the door, looks down at the drunk, and darn near explodes.
"Where the hell have you been?! You're four hours late for dinner! Explain yourself, ya drunk bastard!"
The man, knowing he's screwed and looking down at his sad state and the snails scattered all about, decides to take the chance. Raising his fist and adopting a motivational tone, he says with a dare, "Five feet more lads, we're almost there!"
This guy is on the street corner spitting and cussing.
A little old lady goes and gets a cop, telling him about what the guy is doing.
Sure enough, when the cop comes up to the guy he spits and says, "Damn, that guy can drive a car."
The cop tells him to stop spitting and cussing and then asks him what the problem is.
The man again spits and says, "Damn, that guy can drive a car."
The cop again tells him not to spit and cuss and asks him what the problem is.
The man replies, "I was thumbing a ride when this guy stopped and picked me up.
"He takes off at 100 miles an hour, and I am scared to death.
"As we entered town, the guy slows down to about 60 miles per hour and skids into an alley where again he picksup speed.
"Right in front of us are two 18-wheelers parked on either side of the alley with only four feet between them.
"I screamed out 'We are going to die!'
"Then right before we were going to crash I looked over and told the guy, 'If you get us out of this alive, I will fellate you.'”
Again he spits and tells the cop, "Damn, that guy can drive a car."
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
A Blond Takes Up Painting
A blond wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors.
At the first house, the owner said, "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?
"$50" she replies.
The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house.
The man's wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house.
"She should. She was standing on it"
A short time later the blond came to the door to collect her money.
"You've finished already?" the man asked.
"Yeah, and I had paint left over so I painted two coats."
Impressed the man reaches for the money.
"And by the way," the blond added, "it's not a porch. It's a Lexus."
A Catholic goes to confession.
"Forgive me father for I have sinned." He begins.
"Go on my son." says the priest.
"I swore the other day, in the most profane way." says the man.
"Continue." says the priest.
"I was on the golf course and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway."
"And this is when you swore?" asked the priest.
"No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough." said the man.
"Ah, so this must have been when you swore." Said the priest.
"No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it." continued the man.
"Ahhh I see." says the priest "This MUST have been the point where you swore."
"You'd thinks so but no, because as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed just two feet from the hole."
They both remain quiet for a few seconds, then the priest says: "You missed the feckin' putt, didn't you?"
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-upline? Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
A Request for Help
A husband and wife are in bed when there is a knock at the door. The husband rolls over and looks at his clock - it's 3:30 a.m. He drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
When he opens the door, there is a drunk slumped there. "Hi ya," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"Get lost," says the man. "It's half-past three."
He slams the door and goes back up to bed. He tells his wife about the drunk.
She says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man's door? What would've happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
Shamefaced, the husband gets fully dressed, puts on his shoes and picksup all his tools then goes to his own car and takes out some cables.
Finally having all he needs to assist any problem the man may have, he opens the door and calls out, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
A voice answers, "Yes, please."
"Where are you?" calls the man.
"I'm over here..." replies the stranger,
"...on your swing set."
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school.
There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he'd carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet.
She quickly picked it up, but they didn't know what to do with it, so they took it home. There, she counted the money - it was $50,000!
The husband said: "We've got to give it back". "Finders keepers!" his wife said, and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home.
One knocked on the door and said: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
"No." She said.
The husband said: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She said: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile," but the agents sat the man down and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man said: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..."
At this, the FBI guy looked at his partner and said: "We're outta here!"
One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car.
All of a sudden, the car broke down.
The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke."
The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas."
The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system."
All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"
The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get back in."