the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes? My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
Blondes Put to the Test
A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds, then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers: "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE.
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated by this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it - it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat? I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
Blonde on a Galloping Steed
Standing beside a valiant stallion, a beautiful blond decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience. Soon, she finds herself atop the horse's back, galloping through a lush green meadow.
Unsuspecting, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing.
Once again, the magnificent animal picks up speed except this time her inexperience gets the better of her. She finds herself barely able to hang on.
The startled horse is now in a dead run and the beautiful blond finds herself hanging off to one side of the horse, her head just inches from the ground... catastrophe seconds away.
She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden...
Frank, the Walmart door man, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in? Dad jokes.
A Blond at the Cinema
I went to see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a blond from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.
“Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.”
By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?”
“No!” she said in a loud whisper. “The ‘Turn Off Your Phone’ message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car.”
A blond had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine." the blond chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blond began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was..."
"Uh, ma'am?", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
I'd tell you a confidence joke but I'm insecure
I'd tell a war joke but I'm afraid it would bomb
I'd tell an enema joke but you couldn't hold it in
I'd tell a flogger joke but it doesn't have much impact.
I'd tell a bondage joke but it's too restrictive.
I'd tell you an underground railroad joke but you'd run away.
I'd tell a monotone joke but it doesn't have any range
I'd tell a hanging joke but I always choke
\I'd tell you a constipation joke, but it's full of... well, you know.
I'd tell a Wesley Snipes tax joke but it's too evasive
I'd tell a big ass joke but it's too much to grasp
I'd tell an amputee joke but I don't have a leg to stand on
I'd tell a cyber-security joke but you couldn't hack it
I'd tell a joke about a joke but it'd be recursive
I'd tell a pot joke but it's half baked
I'd tell a small penis joke but there's not enough there
I'd tell a gay joke but I'm not sure I could tell it straight
I'd tell a porky pig joke but tha..tha..that's all folks!
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes? It's mole-itically incorrect.
A Blond Takes Up Painting
A blond wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors.
At the first house, the owner said, "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?
"$50" she replies.
The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house.
The man's wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house.
"She should. She was standing on it"
A short time later the blond came to the door to collect her money.
"You've finished already?" the man asked.
"Yeah, and I had paint left over so I painted two coats."
Impressed the man reaches for the money.
"And by the way," the blond added, "it's not a porch. It's a Lexus."
How many dumb blondejokes are there? None they're all true stories.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
Why was the blondes' belly button sore? Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
A blond calls her mom... Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!" Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?" Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
How does a blonde kill a worm? She buries it.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Revenge of the Blonde
A blonde woman was sick and tired of all the unfair jokes about blondes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blondejoke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blondejokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Texas?"
"T!" she answered.
Kim Jong-Un and Vladimir Putin were having a summit meeting at a 20-story building.
During a break, the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.
First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said: "Ivan, jump down."
Ivan replied in tears: "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son." Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.
Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window. Putin grabbed him and said: "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"
Struggling, Lee replied: "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"
No one can say blondes haven't done their share of inventing. Here are 10 ingenious blonde inventions:
1. The water-proof towel.
2. Solar powered flashlight.
3. Submarine screen door.
4. A book on how to read.
5. Inflatable dart board.
6. A dictionary index.
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter.
8. Powdered water.
9.Pedal-powered wheel chair.
10. Water-proof tea bag
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Chad - the new blond recruit, wants the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Chad, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Chad supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. perhaps he has a creative mind.
"Now Chad, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Chad looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Chad wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
"Hey Chad! How was it?"
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Two blondes were driving down the road. The driver noticed that she was low on gas, so she stopped at the gas station.
While she was pumping her gas, she noticed that she had locked the keys in the car.
When she went inside to pay, the blonde asked the attendant for a coat hanger so she could attempt to open the door herself.
She went outside and began to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant went outside to see how the blonde was faring.
The blonde outside of the car was moving the hanger around and around.
Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car was saying: "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blondjokes.
Suddenly, a blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes.What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde interrupts yelling:
"You stay out of this..I'm talking to that little a**hole on your lap!"
Two blondes were exiting a restaurant when they discovered, to their horror, that they locked their keys in their car.
The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"
The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."
The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"
The other one answered," No, people will think we're too stupid to use the coat hanger."
The other one said, "Well we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain and the sunroof is open."
In a prison in China, prisoners are discussing who's in for what and for how long.
"Hey, Zhang- what are you in for?"
Zhang: "Strangled my wife's lover to death. Got 15 years. How about you, Wei?"
Wei: "I got 10 years for robbery and stabbing. What about you, Wang?"
Wang: "I got 5 years for attempted rape. What about you, Liu?"
Liu: "25 years for being lazy."
All the other prisoners: "WHAT?! HOW?"
Liu sighs. "Well, my neighbor and I were playing Go and after few shots of wine, started telling jokes about Jinping and the government. After my neighbor left, I thought to myself: "I should go to the government and report him". But it was late and I was tired, so I decided to go just wait until the morning and went to sleep.
My neighbor, on the other hand, wasn't as lazy..."
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat until the wrinkles fill out.
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy,
winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license!
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'These days, about half the stuff in my shopping cart says: 'For fast relief.''
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says."If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them!"
The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.
The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: A joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and if he laughs, you can stay, but if he does not, you are banished. The competition would continue until the population of the kingdom was reduced in half.
All the animals spent the rest of the week preparing. Never before in the animal kingdom had so much original content been created. Jokes upon jokes were imagined, tweaked, and committed to memory. The animals worked tirelessly, until finally, the joke telling day came.
All the animals were gathered in a great assembly. Before animals were chosen at random to present their jokes, an offer was extended to any animal who thought they had a truly exception joke. The zebra volunteered almost immediately. It was not very often that he got to go first at anything because of that whole pesky "Z" thing. Additionally, he felt that his joke was quite funny, and wanted to make sure that he got a chance to present it to the tortoise before the tortoise was tired of laughing.
He nervously approached the podium, and presented his material. It was short, sweet, and had an excellent punchline. To the zebras relief, the whole animal kingdom erupted in a roar of laughter, and it fact, it took several minutes for everyone to calm down...
...except for the tortoise. Without emotion, he just stared back at the zebra. The zebra was shocked, the rest of the kingdom astonished, but sadly, everyone knew what this meant. The zebra was escorted away, never to be seen from again.
It came time for the second animal to give his joke. Again, they polled for volunteers, and after some hesitation, the chimpanzee raised his hand. The chimp figured it had a good repertoire of making others laugh, and while the tortoise was apparently a tough crowd, he figured he probably had a decent shot. He had worked hard on this, and had about a five minute act.
The chimp's animatedly presented his finest material. It was a bit song, a bit dance, and a ton of humor. The kingdom chuckled throughout the act, but when the chimp dropped his final punchline, the kingdom went berserk. Never before had such a funny joke been told: the whole act, while funny in itself, was the perfect setup to the final line. This was not a joke, it was a work of art.
Once everyone had again calmed down, all eyes were on the tortoise. He was unmoved. The chimp was astonished, the kingdom flabbergasted. The chimp was escorted away.
At this, no one dared to volunteer. Two masters of the craft were just set away. How could anyone compete? There was silence across the animal kingdom. Everyone felt the weight of the impending doom that was their fate. There were no more volunteers, their only hope was to not be called. All they could do was wait.
It was then than the bison was called. He lumbered up to the front. He took a big gulp; he knew he really wasn't good at joke telling anyway, and was pretty sure that he was destined to fail He hesitated, stuttered, stammered, but presented his joke to the best of his ability anyway. When the punchline was delivered, (or at least what seemed to have been whatever punchline there could have been at such a scenario,) there was a collective moan over the kingdom.
The joke, was it even a joke? was horrible. Everyone knew that he would be escorted away to his...wait, what? The tortoise! He began to chuckle. Not just a "heh" chuckle, this was a real chuckle. Not a chuckle, this was a lough! Then more and more! He was laughing so hard he was having a hard time catching his breath. How could this be? Did the tortoise have some strange sense of humor? Why was he laughing at this? Was he senile? The kingdom was sent into confusion.
Finally the lion interjected. "SILENCE!" he shouted. He addressed the judge: "Oh wise and fair tortoise, why is it that you find the bison's joke so humorous, but none of the other animals' jokes?"
"What Bison?" replied the tortoise. "I was laughing at the zebra's joke!"
Two blondes decided to go on a hunting trip to see what it's all about.
After a few days camping, they finally bagged a deer and were dragging it by the rear legs back to the truck. But the antlers kept getting stuck in the mud. One says to the other, "This is tough but we only got about a mile left to reach the truck."
Another hunter happened upon them then, saw their dilemma and told them, "If you drag the deer the other way, the antlers won't stick in the mud."
So the blondes give it try and it worked! The first blonde says, "That hunter was right! This way is a lot easier."
The second blonde says, "Sure was, but now we're two miles from the truck."
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"
"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. "It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop. "Registration..... what's that?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment," said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "Uh... yes." replied the cop. "Here's what you do," said the dispatcher. "give her the stuff back, and drop your pants." "What? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop. "Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher, a smile in his voice
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer..."
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son... It's a faux pa.
A Blonde By Any Other Name
A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that TV."
The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that TV."
Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So she left again and came back with a hat, a fake nose and with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that TV."
But the salesman still said: "sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How do you keep guessing I'm a blonde?!" she asked.
"Because that's a microwave."
A blonde redneck guy finds a lamp.
He rubs it and a genie emerges.
The genie tells him he will be granted three wishes.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.'
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled.
The guy is thrilled and continues to drink.
The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, 'And what about your other two wishes?'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Give me two more just like this one!'
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Ah, yes, very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No dear, it's because you're 24."
A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class. The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, "I'm a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem. The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: "I'm a famous model. I'm sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem. He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde's ear. She immediately got up and said, "Okay, thank you". She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, "I just told her that the first-class seats aren't going to New York."
A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really?
What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
But he would be 165 years old."
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London.
The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
What is better than a physics joke? A meta physics joke.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
Fay's Jokes Wind Everybody Up
Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house.
The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women.
The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.
Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...."
Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.
Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"
A blond dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries.
The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes."
Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blond is on the line again.
"Never mind," giggles the blond, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
A blonde was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blonde said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and, screaming, said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complaint, the librarian asked: “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
How many blondejokes are there? One. The rest are all true stories.
Two blonds were driving down the road. The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
A blond calls her mom... Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!" Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?" Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blondejoke. One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb. She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals. That night when he got home he told his joke. She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me." He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?" She quickly replied, "M"!
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
Stop saying your life is a joke. A joke has meaning.
The Blind Guy at the Bar
A blind man enters a bar, carefully, and finds his way to a barstool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blondejoke?”
The bar immediately becomes very, very quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blond, and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blondejoke?”
“Nah," says the blind guy, "not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
Three blondes are in front of the Heavenly Gate.
Each of the blondes lives a sinful and depraved life of lust and drugs. Yet, after their deaths, they find themselves before Saint Peter. Peter looks at these three girls and shakes his head. Then after a moment, he speaks, "O.K ladies, the Lord as decided to be merciful and give you another chance. I'm going to ask each of you the same question. If you get the question right, God will let you into Heaven. If you get it wrong, it is a Hell you will be a-going."
Peter then reminds the girls. "You will each be asked the same question. So if the first girl gets it right, the other two will get it as well, So choose carefully as to who will answer the question first."
The girls whisper amongst themselves, and the first blonde steps up, "I will answer first."
Peter eyes her over and asks, "What is Easter?"
The first blonde thinks about it and answers, "It where everyone decorates their trees and gives each other presents."
Saddened, Peter informs her, "I am sorry, but you are wrong."
Suddenly a big fiery pit opens up below her and swallows her up.
The second blonde steps up.
Peter asks the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde smiles and proudly announces, "That is the day when everyone dresses in green, and if you do not, everyone pinches you."
Peter looks at here, saddened, "I'm sorry."
The pit opens up and then swallows the second blonde.
The third blonde steps up and smiles widely, as Peter asks," What is Easter?"
The blonde proudly announces, "That is the day when Jesus was betrayed to the Romans, and crucified by Pontius Pilate. When they took him off the cross, they placed him in a large tomb and sealed it shut with a large stone."
Peter was surprised, "That is very close. What you described is good Friday. What comes next?"
The blonde continues, "Well, the next day they move the rock away, and when Jesus comes out, if he sees his shadow, there are six more weeks of Winter!"
What's the difference between 3 di**s and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
How do you get a blonde off of her knees? Cum.
Blond On Blond Crime
A blond was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car.
The officer also happened to be a blond and she asked for the blond's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blond policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blond cop said, "You dummy, it's got your photo on it!"
The blond driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license!" and handed it to the blond policewoman.
The blond cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said,
"You're free to go. Also, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
Why are all dumb blondejokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Blonde vs. Lawyer
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane.
The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
Two blondes are working at a warehouse.
One blonde, tired of working, says to the other: “Watch this, I’m going to act crazy so that the boss will send me home.”
She climbs up the racking and hangs from the rafters yelling “I’M A LIGHTBULB, I’M A LIGHTBULB, I’M A LIGHTBULB!!”
“What are you doing?! Get down from there and GO HOME!” shouts the boss.
The second blonde picks up her toolbag and heads towards the door. “Where in the HELL do you think you’re going??” the boss exclaims.
“Well, I can’t work in the dark!”
A beautiful Swedish blonde walks into a Vegas casino and goes straight to the roulette table. She smiles at the two dealers and bets $20,000 on one spin.
"I hope you don't mind," she says in a dreamy voice, "but I feel much luckier naked..." and she peeled off all her clothes, staying completely naked. "Come on baby, mommy needs a new set of clothes!"
The roulette wheel stops on 13. "I won I WON!!!" Shouts the blonde and jumps in the air in excitement.
She collects the winnings and her clothes, hugs the dealers and disappears.
The two dealers looked at each other in shock, until one of them pulled himself together and ask: "Did she bet on 13?"
"I don't know," said the other dealer. "I thought you were looking..."
1. Not every gamble relies on luck.
2. Not all blondes are stupid.
3. But men - are always MEN!
A blond lived with two blond room mates. She bought a new car, and on the way home from the dealer got caught in a terrible hail storm. Her brand new car was dented all over.
When she got home she called the service department to ask what she should do. The service chief, being a prankster, told her to wait till the car was cool and then blow hard on the tail pipe, which would pop out all the dents.
A half-hour later her roomies saw her on her knees behind the car, blowing as hard as she could. They asked what the heck she was doing and she told them, adding in a perplexed tone “But it's not working”.
“You dummy” one of her blond roommates said. “You have to roll up the windows first!“
A blond goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf.
She asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos."
The blond then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold."
The blond says, "Oh! I could use something like that!! I'll take it!"
The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, "I just got this yesterday, isn't it wonderful! It's a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!"
The boss asks, "And what do you have in it?"
The blond replies, "Some coffee and a popsicle."
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.
Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on.
She stopped at a hair salon and asked for a haircut.
She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off her headphones.
The stylist replied refusing to cut her hair, so she left.
She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing.
This time, the stylist agreed to cut her hair.
After a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair.
To wake her, the stylist took off the headphones.
The blond immediately fell on the floor, flopped and died.
Confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones.
They were saying: "breath in, breath out."
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy and am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blondjokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blondjokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blone jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."
A Blond man is hired to paint the lines on the road.
On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed.
But, the second day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a mile of the road.
Disappointed, his boss asks what the problem was.
The Blond replies, "Well sir, every day I have to walk farther and farther to get back to the paint bucket."
Three bank robbers: a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde.
Are trying to evade the police when they come across a farm. Being short on time and options, they all decide to hide in the barn. The redhead hides near the horses, the brunette hides near the cows and the blonde hides in a pile of potatoes.
When the police come to search the barn, first they come to the horse stables.
The redhead lets out a hefty "neeeyyyy", the cops are convinced that the horses are indeed alone, and the redhead escapes.
The police then search the cow pens.
The brunette saw what the first robber had done, and belts out a deep "mooooo". The cops are again convinced and the brunette is able to escape.
The police finally turn to the stall where the Blond has hidden. The blond, seeing how easily the other two had gotten away, decides to use the same method.
So as the police officers came close they suddenly hear: "Potato!"
When does a joke become a Dad joke? When it becomes fully groan.
In every corny joke, There is a kernel of truth.
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar.... No Joke.
I love a joke about the eyes. The cornea the better.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it's tearrible.
Blonde, Brunette & Redhead Escape From Prison
One night there were three female fugitives escaping from jail.
One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a redhead.
They had the police hot on their trail and, quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.
When all three were inside the redhead, quickly thinking said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory.
They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door.
They looked at the sacks and said: 'Hmm maybe they are hiding in these.'
The officer kicks the red-head's sack and she makes whimpering noises.
'Hmm just puppies in that sack'
The officer kicks the brunette's sack and she makes mewing noises.
'Hmm just kittens in that sack' He says. He finally kicks the blonde's sack and she screams:
A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview. The interviewer decides to start with the basics
"So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" He asks.
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 25!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie".
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Oh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.
He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.
A blonde woman came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office.
“There you go," said the nurse as she handed her a urine cup. “The bathroom is over there on your left. The doctor will see you in a few minutes.”
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom. She hands an empty container back to the nurse. With a relieved look on her face she says: "Thank you! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all.”
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
The Prison Numbers
A man is sent to prison for the first time.
The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, "twelve!"
The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.
"Why are you guys just yelling numbers?" He asks his cellmate. "What's so funny about random numbers?"
"Well," says the older prisoner, "They're not random. It's just that we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it."
Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, "SIX!" But instead of laughter, a dead silence falls on the cell block. He turns to the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?"
"You didn't tell it right."
Two blonds lock their keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.
Finally the first blond says "Darn, I can't get in the car!"
The other blond replies, "keep trying! It looks like it is going to rain and the top is down!"
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.
Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up.
The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving.
The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!"
The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather. It’s snow joke.
A Blonde on a Train
The blonde wife came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her husband noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"
"Not really," she replied. "I'm nauseated from sitting backward on the train."
"Poor dear," he said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"
"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."
Carolyn, a rich blond, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport.
She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...
After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.
The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.
So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"
Full of anger, the blonde replies, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."
A blond becomes terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."
"No, from skipping everywhere."
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair. The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
A Blond Changes Hair Color
There was a blonde who was sick of all the blondejokes.
One day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.
She stopped and called the sheep herder over. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".
"Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
A blond went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.
As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.
He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
“How about 50 dollars?” said the blonde.
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached into his wallet for the 50 dollars.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porsche; it’s a Ferrari!”
A young blond woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.
She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up! you’re next!”
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.
What's Got You Down Pal?
There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to the office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.”
“The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.”
“And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison.”