Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot? Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed, “I’m not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed and I am too embarrassed to seek help.”
A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself, “I overheard your story and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Here’s my card, give me a call.”
A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work. The psychiatrist says to the other guy, “Hi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you so I hope you are doing okay.”
The other guy says, “things are great, the bartender helped me.”
Psychiatrist, “the bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what possibly could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldn’t?”
The other guy says, “he told me to saw the legs off my bed.”
The bartender is concerned to hear this and tells the man, “I’m sorry but I can’t help you kill yourself. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”
The man asks him, “Well what would you do in my situation?”
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “Honestly, if I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself or drinking myself to death, I’d kill the guy.”
The man leaps from his stool and shouts, “Hey, that’s a great idea! Thanks!” and runs out of the bar leaving the shocked bartender behind.
A couple hours later the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
The bartender is nervous now. He’s afraid to ask but eventually says, “Did you kill the guy?”
The man says, “No, I slept with your wife! Whiskey please.”
A farmer had just gotten a new rooster for his hens and the old rooster of many years was worried he would be replaced.
However, he had a cunning plan on dealing with this young rival. He went up to the new rooster and said, "Right, I'll make you a deal, let's race for the hens, one lap around the farmhouse. You win, I leave, I win, you leave."
The new rooster, being much younger, clearly could see that he would easily beat this old-timer entirely and agreed.
"However," the old rooster added. "Since I'm obviously much older, you must wait until I've completed half of the lap before starting so that I have a fair chance."
The younger rooster knew that even with that advantage, it was a shoo-in, so he agreed.
The race started and the older rooster set off, by the halfway mark he was already huffing and puffing, feeling his age. The younger rooster sped off like a rocket and was quickly catching up. By the time the older rooster was at the three-quarter mark, he was almost out of breath, heaving desperately. The younger rooster was coming up right behind him and was seconds away from beating him.
When suddenly "BAM!" The farmer's shotgun rang out, the new rooster collapsed into a bloody heap of feathers.
"Darn," the farmer sighed, "Third gay rooster this month."
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist? If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
The Psychiatrist and the Angry Girlfriend
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"And how did she look?"
"Oh boy, she looked very angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.
"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during se*.
That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window."
A man walked into a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!"
The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!"
The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.
When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!"
The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on. The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts-they're complimentary."
Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s.
The Barman and the Jackass
I was sitting at a bar when a man walked in.
The bartender pointed at the seat next to me and said “Hey Jackass! Sit here.” The man sat down.
Then the bartender asked, “What do you want to drink, Jackass?” The man ordered a beer.
A little later, the bartender yelled, “Hey Jackass! You want a menu?” The man said “No.”
After a few more beers, the bartender said, “Hey Jackass! That will be $24.50.” The man paid and started to get up.
I stopped him and asked, “Why does he keep calling you Jackass?”
The man looked at me, smiled and said, “ Oh…. Hee Haw Hee Haw Hee Halways calls me that.”
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water. The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
IT vs. Management
A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in IT," says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."
The man below replies, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."
The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class...
"Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."
A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Little Johnny raised his hand and recited, "Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt/He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, and smelled her little--" He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose.
"Prose..." the teacher said weakly.
So Little Johnny said, "Asshole."
A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here."
The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink."
The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!"
"No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Gizmo here."
The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. "Now, can I have my drink?" asks the dog. The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favor? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards."
"Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves. Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog.
As they approach the cafe, they see Gizmo going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe. The owner shouts, "Gizmo! What are you doing! You've never done this before!"
The dog shrugged. "Well, I've never had any money before."
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate...
"We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird poop!"
"Well," says the pirate sadly, "I wasn't really used to the hook yet..."
A mouse was sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar.
The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink.
Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink.
After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.
The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the bar stool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out.
The bartender took one look at this terrible state, lifted an eyebrow and said, "So, how did it go last night?"
The mouse said, "Man, that was the best lovemaking I ever had."
The bartender asked, "Then why do you look so bad?"
The mouse replied, "Hey, between the kissing and the lovemaking I must have run 10 miles!"
The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair.
"You've got to help me. I'm losing my memory, Doctor," he sobbed.
"I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family; I was a respected member of the community. But all that's gone now. Since my memory began failing, I've lost the business - I couldn't remember my clients' names. My wife and children have left me, too; and why shouldn't they - some nights I wouldn't get home until four or five in the morning. I'd forget where I lived... And it's getting worse. Doctor, it's getting worse!"
"This is not an unusual form of neurosis," the psychiatrist said soothingly. "Now tell me, just how long ago did you first become aware of this condition?"
"Condition?" The man sat up in his chair. "What condition?!?"
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. "Magic Beer", he says. She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after noticing that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says ,"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?" "Yes, I'll show you."
He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back through the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
"Oh yea?" He smirks.
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back through the window.
She is amazed, and immediately asks for a magic beer of her own.
The guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window... and immediately plummets 30 stories down.
The bartender looks at the guy and sighs, "You know something Superman? You're a real a**hole when you're drinking."
A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.
"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.
"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.
The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "
The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
One day, a space ship landed in a farmer’s field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife.
As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.
Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship.
The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed.
The Martian then man took the farmer’s wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another.
They had been having s*x for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife, “Well, how do you like having s*x with a Martian? How does it feel?”
The farmer’s wife replied “It needs to be a little bigger around.” So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his thingy became bigger around.
About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife again “How does it feel now?”
The farmer’s wife responded “I think it needs to be a little longer.”
So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his thingy became longer.
The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife “How was the Martian man?”
To this, the farmer’s wife replied “Fine. “And how about the Martian woman?”
The farmer replied, “She was ok, but my ears are killing me.”
Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys.
The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice.
He went home, slammed the door, saw his wife and growled:
"From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and after you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. And another thing, you know who is going to tie my tie for me?!?"
"I certainly do," said his wife calmly. "The Undertaker."
There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist.
First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room filled with toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. “What’s the matter?” the psychiatrist asked. “Don’t you want to play with any of the toys?”
“Yes,” the little boy bawled, “but if I did I’d only break them.”
Next, the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist climbed to the top of the pile, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands.
“What are you doing?” the baffled psychiatrist asked.
The little boy replied, “With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!”
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
The Octopus Musician
A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.
He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.
One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.
The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began playing. There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player. The man paid his handler $50 and sat down.
Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus. The octopus took it and stared for a bit. After a minute or two, the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo. This man paid his $50 and sat down.
The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bagpipes. The bartender said, “I’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.”
The man agreed and handed them to the octopus. The octopus sat there eyeing the bagpipes up and down for quite a while. The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, “Hurry up and start playing the thing!”
The octopus replied, “Play it? After I figure out how to get the pajamas off her I’m gonna screw it!”
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."
The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too."
The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming up," said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
Why do psychiatrists study bats? They want to learn about their hang-ups.
Seducing the Teacher
After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had s** with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room.
When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done.
The father hears the news and, in front of the wife, acts really concerned. He promises her to speak to their son. The moment she turns, however, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had s** with my teacher."
The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, pats him on the back, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. The son is elated.
On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."
A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: "Two hookers – $50.00."
A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: "Jesus Saves."
"How come you don’t stop them?" asked one of the girls.
"Well, that’s a little different," the officer replied. "their sign pertains to religion."
The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully.
The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car.
Sighing, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read:
"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter – $50.00."
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:
"If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash - twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
On a warm evening, a man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the cheerful looking bartender and asks for his favorite premium beer.
"Certainly, sir. That'll be 1 cent."
"One single penny?!" exclaimed the man.
The barman replied, "Yes, sir. Just one penny."
As he takes the glass of delicious beer and takes a satisfying gulp, the guy glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender.
"But all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy asks, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”
“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I screwed a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”
The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm.
The grandfather asks, “What the hell happened to you?”
The grandson says, “I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to screw a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender — but they beat the crap out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!”
The grandfather says, “Well who the hell did you go with boy?”
The grandson says, “My friends from school, who did you go with?”
The grandfather says, “Well…the Nazis.”
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?” The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
A snake walks into a bar. The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?” Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
I'd Like to Speak to the Manager
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. “Are you the manager?”, she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no” the man replies.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Ah..what should I tell him?” the bartender manages to squeak.
“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”
A panel of doctors was asked for their opinions concerning a proposal to build a new wing to their hospital.
This was what they said:
The Allergists could barely breathe for the shock.
The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves be made.
The Psychiatrists thought the whole thing was deluded.
The Radiologists could see right through it.
The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it being a bad idea;
The whole thing gave them a stomach ache.
The Neurologists thought the administration had a big brain idea.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted but rectifiable.
The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body." while hiding behind a patient.
The Pediatricians said, "Grow up!", then held their breath until blue.
The Plastic Surgeons said this was a stretch.
The Podiatrists were afraid it was the wrong step.
The Urologists felt they were pissing away money.
The Anesthesiologists thought it was a pipe dream.
The Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no...
And the Surgeons weren't even allowed to cut in!
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him? The Bartender.
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor.... so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
Greek vs. Italian
Two old men are arguing about history and the splendors of athens and Rome.
the Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"
The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"
The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"
The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"
The Greek man says "Yes, but we created beautiful architecture like the Parthenon!"
The Italian says "And we improved your building techniques, and used them to create aqueducts and structures that stood for centuries longer!"
The Greek man, frustrated, finally says "Ah, of course. But the Greeks, we INVENTED lovemaking!"
The Italian man says "That may be true, but WE introduced it to women!"
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles." Ronnie Shakes
Third Time's the Charm
A woman walks into a bar. He’s very inebriated, so she stumbles to the bartender.
‟I will have a whiskey schlour!” she slurs
‟I can’t serve you ma'am, you’ve had too much.” The barkeep informs her.
Looking disgruntled, she walks out the front door. A few minutes later she walks in through the side entrance.
‟Barkeep, give me Gin and Ginger.” she hiccups.
‟As I told you before, I can’t serve you, would you like me to get you a cab?” The bartender says patiently.
Looking quizzically at the bartender, she shakes his head and stumbles out. A few minutes later she walks in the front door again.
‟Give me Blue Motorcycle!” she demands.
‟Look ma'am’ the bartender says sternly, having lost his patience, ”if you do not let me call you a cab, I’m going to have to call the police.‟
She peers at him with red, blurry eyes and mumbles, ”How many friggin' bars do you work at??‟
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well... you pay $10 and if you pass three tests,you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'
'You must pay first... Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while,the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says, here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex... You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things'
'Your call,' says the bartender... 'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks,he finally says, 'Where's the darn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks... But he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds.
Then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead,he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and blood all over his body.
He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'
The moral to the story: Listen carefully to the directions, and don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved!
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane.
The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match. The chess player had a mean right rook!
How Bad Words Work
My child asked me if “hell” was a bad word
I explained that yes, hell was a bad word and that he shouldn't say it.
He then asks “is hello a bad word?” I then have to explain to him how hell and hello are completely separate words with separate meanings.
The next day I get a call from his teacher, demanding to know why he won’t stop saying “s*itto”
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I had done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does everyday.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me:
Two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.
A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse came into his room, ready to give him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,” he mumbled from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied: “I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.”
He struggled to ask again: “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from concern about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers.
She raised his gown, held his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she took a close look and said: “No sir, they aren't. And I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them!!”
The man weakly pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said, very slowly:
“Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely....
“A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?”
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar? The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
Where do gay physicists have s*x? In the Large Hardon Collider.
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the bartender gives her one.
Farmer vs. Lawyer
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "You can have the duck."
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
Man vs. Ape
One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape. Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump around saying "ooooh oooh oooh" and so did the ape.
Stopping to think about what to do next, Bob scratched his chin, as he was thinking. Before he could even react, the ape pulled the bars of his cage apart, jumped the moat, and proceeded to beat the ever living crap out of him. A few weeks later, Bob comes to in a hospital room, in full traction. When they realized that he was awake, the staff brought a man into his room, and left the two of them alone.
"Mr. Smith, my name is Albert. I am the zookeeper and I want to see if we can figure out what happened before you were attacked."
"I....don't know. I was looking at the ape, and noticed he was mimicking my movements."
"I need to know exactly what you did."
"Well, when I first noticed it, I was scratching my head. When I noticed he was scratching his head, I started to play around, and I started to scratch my underarms and make oooh sounds."
"OK, then what happened?"
"Well, I was trying to think of something else to do, and I think I scratched my chin, which is the last thing I remember."
"You scratched you chin??? Oh that explains everything! You see, in Ape, that means 'Screw you!'. Thank Goodness, because if the attack was unprovoked, we'd have to put him down."
So the zookeeper left Bob to sit in traction for another six months, and if you've ever been in a cast, you can only imagine the misery of six months of not being able to move, shit or pee, or even get to that one itch, without someone else's help. It wears on a man. So Bob spent all that time coming up with a plan to get his revenge on that darned ape.
He's finally released from the hospital, and makes his first trip to the local butcher, where he buys a giant polish sausage, and a pair of nice new butcher knives.
He then goes straight to the zoo, and marches up to the ape cage, where he is soon standing face to face with his attacker.
"Remember me?" He asked as he got the apes attention, and saw that he was once again mimicking him. He smiled and reached into his bag, and tossed a butcher knife into the apes cage.
When the ape picked it up, Bob got his attention, by holding his own knife high, while he reached into his pants, and pulled the polish sausage out through the fly. Just as he expected, the ape mimicked him, holding his knife high, and his genitals in his other hand.
Seeing this, Bob sliced down with his big butcher knife, cleanly cutting the polish sausage in half. Seeing the sausage laying on the ground, he looked up smugly to see how much pain the poor dumb ape must be in right now... when he saw him standing there, scratching his chin.
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"
The man replied, "I'm an IRS agent."
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar. They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
The Hilarious Lines of Tommy Cooper
When I was a kid, I went to a psychiatrist for one of those aptitude tests. On the desk, he put a pitchfork, a wrench, and a hammer and he said to the nurse: ‘If he grabs the pitchfork, he’ll become a farmer. If he grabs the wrench, he’ll be a mechanic, and if he takes the hammer, he’ll be a carpenter.’
I grabbed the nurse...
The town was so dull, one day the tide went out and it never came back.
Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question: ‘Guess who I ran into.’
A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to £3. The manager said: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the piano and you only charge £3?’
He said: ‘What?’
A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: ‘Did you put anything on it?’ I said: ‘No, he liked it as it was.’
My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says: ‘Oh, do it yourself!’
My wife does her own decorating, but she overdoes it. The other day I opened the fridge and there was a lampshade on the lightbulb.
I swam the English Channel once.
‘But a lot of people have swum the Channel.’
She’s always smiling. She’s the only girl I know whose teeth are sunburnt.
A leopard went to see a psychiatrist. He said: ‘Every time I look at my wife, I see spots before my eyes.’
The psychiatrist said: ‘That’s only natural.’ The leopard said: ‘But, doctor, she’s a zebra.’
A drunk was brought into a police station. He pounded his fist on the counter and said: ‘I want to know why I’ve been arrested.’ The sergeant said: ‘You have been brought in for drinking.’ He said: ‘Oh, that’s all right, then. Let’s get started!’
I always sit in the back of a plane. It’s much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!
A British SAS squad and an American Marines squad are together in the middle of a city. The commanding officers of each group are discussing the merits of SAS vs Marines: these officers have reputations for being the strongest, toughest and most feared men in the whole of the armed forces.
The American squad leader turns to the British officer and says, "My Marines are so much braver than your SAS."
"I doubt that very much," says the SAS officer.
"They are much braver," says the American. "Watch this."
The American squad leader turns to one of his Marines and shouts, "SERGEANT!! Climb to the very top of that building and jump off."
"SIR, YES SIR," shouts the sergeant. The sergeant runs inside the building, runs to the top and without a second's thought, jumps off the top of the building and smashes into the ground. He survives, but is very badly injured and gets taken away on a stretcher. The American leader turns to the SAS officer and says, "Now that's bravery."
"Yeah? Well watch this," says the British officer. He turns to his men and bellows at the top of his voice, "YOU, PRIVATE, CLIMB TO THE TOP OF THAT BUILDING AND JUMP OFF."
The private looks at the officer and says, "Sir, GO SCREW YOURSELF, Sir."
The Officer turns around to the American and says, "You see? THAT'S bravery."
A man walks into a bar and briskly orders 12 of the most expensive whiskey shots.
The bartender lines 12 up shot glasses and fills them up. The man quickly downs all 12 of them back to back and taps the bar, “again.”
The bartender looks a little surprised, but lines of 12 more shots. The man quickly downs all 12 shots and hits the bar, “again.”
The bartender, visibly concerned, fills up 12 more shots and lines them on the bar. The man quickly downs all 12 shots and hits the bar, “again.”
The bartender says “hold up man! You gotta slow down!”
The man says “trust me, if you had what I had, you’d be drinking this fast too.”
“My God,” says the bartender, quietly leaning over the bar he asks, “what do you HAVE?”
A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'Pretzel' hold he has, whatever you do don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered,"well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw his genitals right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."
"So, the trainer exclaimed, 'that is what finished him off?!"
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own junk."
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
The Nun and the Fig Leaf
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
But when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”
“Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause! She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”
“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”
“No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.
“You see,” laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus."
I really hope corona virus can't spread through s*x It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
An Embarrassing Problem...
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of it, then tossed the remainder in the bartender's face.
Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing this to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem.
"I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come."
The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being. Six months later, the man was back.
"Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week."
He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel.
"The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered.
"On the contrary," the man said," he's done me a world of good."
"But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man said. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"
What's the difference between an American and a Muslim teenage girl? The American teenage girl gets stoned before s*x.
Give Me Whisky
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
What do you call a flower getting a s*x change? A Transplant.
What do you call a bunny with a crooked di**? FU**S FUNNY
What's the difference between 3 di**s and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
Why do men like big tits and a tight as*? Because they've got big mouths and little di**s.
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the bartender gives her one.
The Awkward Question
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him: "Daddy, what is s*x?"
The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
"Why did you ask this question?" Her father asked her:
The little girl replied, "Well mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Beer For Everyone!
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar."
In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?"
"Nah," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he is lost. Wandering about he notices a tiger heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he notices some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching tiger.
Just as the tiger is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man! That was one delicious tiger. I wonder if there are any more around here."
Hearing this, the tiger halts his attack in mid-stride as a look of terror overcomes him and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!" says the tiger. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put his knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the tiger. So, off he goes. But the dog sees him heading after the tiger with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the tiger, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself with the tiger. The tiger is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving dog."
Now the dog sees the tiger coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another tiger, and he's still not back!"
The tiger ran away.
A blind man enters a bar, carefully, and finds his way to a barstool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes very, very quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blond, and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
“Nah," says the blind guy, "not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer.
The Bartender says “that’ll be a dollar”.
The guy thinks “man, that’s cheap” but the beer turned out to be delicious.
So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance.
“Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine.”
The bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle, opening it, aerating the wine, and pouring it into a nice glass before saying “that’ll be 50 cents.”
The guy can’t believe it, so he thinks “screw it” and says “I’ll have a whole bottle of your best scotch.”
The bartender hands it to him and says “here, on the house.”
Curiosity finally gets the better of the guy so he asks “OK, where’s the owner?”
The bartender replies “Upstairs with my wife.”
The guy asks “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
And the bartender looks the man in the eye and replies “The same thing I’m doing to his business.”
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands. There is no cure.
Blonde vs. Librarian
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and, screaming, said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complaint, the librarian asked: “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat at the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.
The bartender approached and told him: "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replied: "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admitted that this was a fine tradition, and left it there. The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way: He ordered three pints and drank them in turn.
One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars took notice and fell silent.
When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said: "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The Irishman looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he laughed. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explained.
"It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. “I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake. The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
The Cowboy, the Spider and the Dinosaur
A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar
All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed.
The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying tanks of gasoline. Cause a whole big explosion and blew my poor horse to bits."
The spider nods sympathetically. "I just lost my husband in that same fire. The driver found him, freaked out, and crashed trying to squash my dear hubby."
The bartender is in shock, but finally asks the dinosaur his story.
The dinosaur sniffed, took a sip from his straw, and said "My whole family was on that truck."
A woman was having an affair. One rainy day she was in bed with her Lover when she heard her husband"s car pull into the driveway.
Woman: "OMG - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window".
Lover: It"s raining out there!"
Woman: "If my husband catches us, he"ll kill us!"
The lover jumps out of the window. As he runs down the street in rain, he discovered he had run right into the middle of the town"s marathon. He started running alongwith the others, 300 of them.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked".
"Oh yes!" he replied. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner: "Do you always run carrying clothes under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" Lover answered. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and go home!"
3rd runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope..just when it"s raining."
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray. "No I have enough to carry as it is."
Too Much Alike
A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do.
"Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.
"What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.
A few months later the fellow is back in the bar.
The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state.
Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"
The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!"
The fellow cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.
"It worked, it worked!" he exclaims.
"I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
A man goes into a bar in the airport and asks the bartender what the password is to their wi-fi.
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Me: There you go. So, what's the wi-fi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
The Amazing Animal Musical Show
A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bartender "If I impress you, can I have a free drink?" The bartender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano. It crawled on to the bench and began playing
The bartender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer. Next, the man said, "If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?" The bartender didn't think it was possible, so he agreed. The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano.
The bartender smiled and told the man that he was impressed. A man in a suit with a cane walked into the bar, saw the small animals, and offered to buy them for $2 million. The owner said no, but he offered to sell the frog for $500k. The rich man agreed, took the frog, and left. The bartender couldn't believe the owner just did that and said "Why did you just sell the frog?! There is no singer now!"
The owner laughed and said, "Don't worry, the rat is a ventriloquist."
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?" The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
4 Weddings and a Funeral Director
An 80-year-old lady was being interviewed by a local news station because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer began to ask her questions about her life, why she has decided to get remarried at 80, and for some information about her new husband.
"My husband is a funeral director", she answered.
"That's interesting", the reporter replied.
The reporter was then curious about her previous three husbands and what their professions had been. After a few minutes of reflection, the woman smiled and answered proudly. She explained that in her 20's she married a banker, in her 40's a circus ringmaster, a preacher in her 60's and now, in her 80's, a funeral director.
The reporter was unsure how to process her answer and then asked why she married four men with such different lives and career choices.
The woman once again smiled and explained, "I married the first for the money, the second for the show, the third to prepare myself, and the fourth to go!"
Should Brexit take place?
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologist's had sort of a gut feeling about it,
but the Neurologists thought May had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception,
while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing
and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,
and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the as*holes in Parliament.
An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees a nearby alien and asks, "where's the pub?"
The alien gurgles back but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, "just around the corner!"
The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it! It's labelled "The Keyboard" and he asks the bouncer, "Why is it called the Keyboard?"
The bouncer replies, "the boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he's the bartender."
So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender.
"Excuse me, do you own this pub?" The astronaut says.
"I do." The bartender gurgles back.
"Why is it called the Keyboard?" The man asks.
"Well," the alien gurgles in reply, "since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name!"
The astronaut is on the edge of his seat...
"The reason it's called the Keyboard is because it's a space bar."
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts.
"Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"