The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Why is 6 afraid of 7? It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Alone With a Starlet
After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.
They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course.
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, she took care of him in return, and eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn't anyone else in the island.
He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make life easier.
One night she threw herself at him and they made love. After that, they were for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.
But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed. "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say.
She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him to try.
"Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?"
"Sure," she said "anything!"
"Ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore."
"Now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat."
"Wha... ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly.
"Oohh, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it."
She was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat.
"Now I'd like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache."
"Ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered.
"Now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach I'll catch up to you in a bit," he said a bit excited...
She started walking, wondering and doubting herself. She was confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was him?
Suddenly, the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "Man! you won't BELIEVE who I've been sleeping with for the past 6 months!"
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were alright. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the son, 'I was playing with myself and accidentally shot the dog.'
Note: We love both dogs and cats, this is just in jest!
1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
2. Cats look silly on a leash.
3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.
8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.
9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.
10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
I would like to share a personal experience I had about drinking and driving.
This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DWI. As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.
Well recently, it happened to me. I was out for the night to a party and had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of rather lovely red wine. It was held at a great Italian restaurant. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something I've never done before... I took a taxi home. On the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi.
The real surprise to me was that I had never driven a taxi before. Not sure where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it. If you want to borrow it, give me a call.
This is a story about a newlywed couple who had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India - they had it all.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I promise. OK?"
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out five dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
The husband tries once again. "But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, sweetie pie? Smiled the wife. "Then drink your bloody beer in your darn frozen mug and eat your stupid snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, moron?"
An Irish priest is driving home from a night at his favorite bar.
A police officer notices a car swerving all over the road and proceeds to pursue. The Irishman pulls over and the cop makes his way to the driver.
Checking the vehicle and noticing bottles all over the floorboard, the policeman asks, "Have you been drinking?"
"I don't know what you're on about, officer. I had just only left church after giving praise to the lord for his many blessings and miracles," said the priest.
The policeman frowned, "Well then, what's in the bottles?" "Water", the priest replied. The policeman reached in and grabbing a bottle, opened the top and was quickly overcame with the smell. "This is wine!" The priest then promptly shouted,
"PRAISE THE LORD, HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:
"If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash - twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead.
The guy says “OK,” and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.
Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he’ll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, “OK,” and goes back to the pharmacy and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
Finally, the pharmacist asks, “Look, if it makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?”
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
But when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”
“Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause! She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”
“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”
“No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.
“You see,” laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was promptly greeted by the wail of a siren and flashing lights.
Cursing his luck, the man immediately knew what was coming, so he slowed down and pulled over.
The officer got out of his cruiser, as calm as can be, and walked over to the man's car.
He handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *only I* get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"
Employee: "Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?"
Boss: "Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?"
Employee: "Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years."
Employee: "I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first."
Boss: "A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time."
Employee: "I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade."
Boss: "Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?"
Employee: "Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!"
Boss: "Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?"
Employee: "Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!"
The reasonwhy bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
You May Be Old If...
You may be getting older if...
When your spouse says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!”
When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
When going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
When you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
When getting a little action” means you don’t need to take any fiber today.
When “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
And of course - When an “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee!
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."
The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too."
The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming up," said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
Which Faiths Can Walk On Water?
A rabbi, priest, and a minister are out fishing in a boat on a big lake when the priest realizes that he has to go to the bathroom.
Not wanting to disturb the fishing of the others in the boat by having them take him to shore, he gets out of the boat and walks across the water to do his business and then returns to the boat.
A little while later the minister has to go also and he does the same.
He walks across the water, does his business and returns across the water to the boat.
Finally, the rabbi feels the urge to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat.
But instead of walking across the water, he falls into the water and starts to wildly splash around.
The priest and the minister finally drag the rabbi back into the boat and the priest turns to the minister and says, "Maybe we should have told him where the rocks were."
Why do sharks swim in saltwater? Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
The Machine Doctor
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you're having. It only costs $20.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have migraines. You need to take better care of yourself. Get daily rest, drink a lot and avoid bright lights, stress, and strain. See me again in 2 weeks.
During the next 2 weeks, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he even added some oil from his car.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00, again stating he had a bad headache. He waited curiously to see what the computer will say about the odd mix. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water has too much waste in it.
Your dog has ringworms.
Your teenage daughter is pregnant.
Your wife has had 5 different lovers in the past six months.
Also, your car needs a new radiator.
And you wonder why you have a headache?
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago."
“Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us think about the germs in our drinkingwater.
“However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all - and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?”
“You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head, wiped away a tear and said: "Wedding cake."
A bear, a moose, a fox, a wolf and a snail were playing cards around a table. Suddenly, the bear let out a faint roar and said:
“Guys, I’m hungry. Could someone go buy some chocolate, or whatever?”
The moose shook his head and nodded towards the fox, who irritatingly slammed his little paw on the table and muttered:
“Why me? Why can’t the wolf do it?”
But the snail bravely interrupted the conversation, before it got out of hand:
“Guys, guys! There’s no reason to fight. I’ll go.”
The bear smiled a little and handed the snail a few, rolled-up dollars from his pockets:
“Thanks, man. I appreciate it. While you’re at it, buy something to drink, will ya?”
The snail winked, grabbed the money and briskly started to make his way out the door.
Half an hour went by...
An hour and a half...
Almost two hours...
At last, the bear snapped, dropped his cards to the floor and yelled: “Hey, you know what? I think the little bastard took the money and just left!”
A small yet fierce scream then came from near the door:
“If you’re gonna start insulting me, I’m not leaving at all!”
Why do sharks swim in salt water? If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
Why Mothers Should Be Young
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked.
'Not yet,' she said. 'I'll make coffee and we can talk for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' she said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'When he Cries??' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, OK?!'
An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening".
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Year after year Bubba's wife pleaded with him to take her fishing but he kept telling her she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him down, he consented, and early one morning they took off to the lake.
They had not been there very long when the fish began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After catching their limit, Bubba said, "Verna Lou, sweet thang, I'm sorry. You've been good luck and I'm gonna bring you with me the next time. If you'll mark the spot where we caught all these fish, we'll go home."
On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said, "Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all the fish are so next time I'll know?"
"Bubba, darlin', I put a big 'X' on the side of the boat right down closest to the water."
"Sweet thang, that's about the dumbest thing I ever seen you do. Don't you know that won't work? We may not get the same boat the next time!"
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
Which Substance Would You Like to Land in?
Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician.
The magician was standing at the top of a slide.
The magician than said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink.
The first man went down yelling, ''beerrr!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of beer.
The second guy went down the slide yelling ''lemonadeee!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade.
The third guy went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!'''
He instantly regretted it.
Roses are okay violets are fine. You be the 6 and I’ll be the 9.
How to Give a Cat Its Pill
How to give a cat a pill:
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste.
Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
8. Tie the little angel's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table.
Find heavy pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Be rough about it.
Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
10. Take the cat to the vet to get its pills from now on.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee? Because it makes them viperactive.
Men and Women Take Different University Courses
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. Below them are 10 courses the male staff offered right back..
Whatsamatta University's Seminars
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. Resistance to Beer
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")
9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You, The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give Flowers
15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary
28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche
Whatsamatta University's Seminars
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag
2. You Can Change The Oil Too
4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
14. You, The Whining Sex
15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
17. How To Close The Garage Door
18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
HOW TO FEED A PILL TO A CAT:
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Call fire brigade to retrieve the bloody cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
Wrap it in cheese.
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.
Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
A muffled giggle answered him. "Me."
A man was pulled over by a police officer. As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat.
Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"
Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them."
Realizing the officer was giving him a skeptical look the driver said, "Sir, with your permission I'd be more than glad to give you a demonstration."
Cautiously the officer stepped back and said "Alright, but you'd better be telling the truth." A few seconds later, the man was on the side of the road tossing the knives high into the air with ease as the police officer watched, mesmerized.
Two old men happened to drive by and both gazed in astonishment. The one looked at the other and said "Sure glad I gave up drinking, these sobriety tests are getting ridiculous!"
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford on the subject of modern nutrition.
"The rubbish we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinkingwater.
But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet,
a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said:
What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
Annoyed, the librarian composed himself before he answered.
"9 am," came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until 9 am?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
The librarian began to get angry. "No, not until 9 am!" said the librarian. "Why do you want to get in before 9 am anyway?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
There are two reasonswhy you should never drink toilet water. Number one. And number two.
H20 is water, but what is H204? It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella? Fo’ Drizzle.
If Smart water were actually smart… Then why did it get bottled?
Why does water never laugh at jokes? It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
What do you call water that is good for you? Well water.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle? Water you doing today?
Why I Carry My Bible
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying.
But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.
One time she was sitting next to a man.
When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After a while, he turned to her and asked: "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?
She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then YOU can ask him." replied the lady.
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Please, may I come with him tomorrow?'
You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
How Experts Ask for a Raise
An Austrian maid asks the wife who employs her for a pay raise.
The wife became very angry about this and decided to talk to her about this raise.
She asked, “Now Anna, why do you think you should get a pay increase?"
"Well, madam, there are tree reasonswhy I should. The 1st is that I do iron better than you."
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Anna: “Your husband he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
The second reason: “Annaeez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “That's a lie, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Anna: “Your hozban he did.”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Anna: “The third reason is that I am better than you in bed.”
The wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth, asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Anna: “No Madam… The gardener did.”
A moment of silence passes...
"So... how much do you want?”
An American walks into an Irish pub.
He asks the patrons, "I'll bet $500 that none of you can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes."
People raise their heads, but ignore the absurd bet and go back to drinking and merrymaking, except an Irishman who leaves the bar.
Some time passes and the Irishman comes back to the pub and approaches the American.
"Is yer bet still on the table?"
The American replies, "Sure it is! Bartender, get this man his drinks."
The bartender lines up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar.
The Irishman starts drinking and drinks up all the Guinness in less than 5 minutes.
Astonished, the American hands over the money and asks, "Well, may I ask where you went earlier? Did you go to prepare in some ancient Irish way?"
"Nah. I went to the pub next door first to see if I could do it."
A man was having an affair with a married woman for quite some time. One day, her husband comes home early from work. The wife hears him come in, jumps up and tells her lover to go into the bathroom and hide. The moment he dives into the bathroom and she hides his clothes under the bed, the husband opens the door and comes in.
He stops in surprise at seeing his wife stark naked. ''What the hell are you doing?''
Thinking quickly, the wife says, ''Uhm...waiting for you.''
The suspicious husband looks at her in disbelief and says, ''But you're naked.''
Again the woman says, ''Yeah... I was waiting for you.''
The husband relaxes and says, ''Hold on, I'm going to jump in the shower. I'll be back in a flash!''
The wife tries to stop him but he just ignores her and rushes for the bathroom. When he opens the bathroom door, there is a naked man jumping around and clapping.
The husband asks,'' What in the hell are you doing?''
He replied, ''I'm the exterminator, and your wife called saying you guys had a problem with moths.''
The other man looks at him and says,''But... you're naked.''
The lover looks down, jumps in surprise and shouts, ''Them little bastards!''
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."
His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say 'WHO'S HORNY?!'
She always acts like she's sound asleep. Works every time!"
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender? The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
The Thirsty Criminal
A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinkingwater, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.
He is close to desperation when suddenly, he sees something far off in the distance. Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties.
'Hey you, do you have water?' Pants the criminal.
The old man replied, 'I have already finished my water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'
The criminal, frustrated shouted, 'you moron! Do I look like I need a tie? I should kill you right here, but I have to find some water first!"
'There's no call for threats,' said the old tie seller indignantly, 'but even though you don't want to buy one of my ties and you treat me like this, I'll help you. If you continue over that hill for about 3 miles, you'll find a restaurant with great food and all the ice cold water you can drink. Good luck!"
Muttering in disgust, the criminal staggered away over the hill. Several hours later the other man sees him crawling on the dune back towards him. When he finally arrives, he lays on his back, panting.
"Everything ok?" Asked the tie salesman as he bends over to hear the raspy whisper of the other man.
"They won't let me in without a tie..."
Why do seals swim in salt water ? Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
This Is Why I Stopped Attending, Rabbi
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to temple. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered.
"When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me."
"So?" the Rabbi asked indignantly.
"So I don't want to remind him!"
Q: A plane is carrying one hundred bricks. One falls out. How many are left on the plane?
Q: What are the three steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge?
A: Open the fridge, put the giraffe in, and close the fridge.
Q: What are the four steps to putting an elephant in the fridge?
A: Open the fridge, take the giraffe out, put the elephant in, and close the fridge.
Q: Today is the lion king’s birthday party. All animals except for one arrive. Which animal is missing and why?
A: The elephant is missing because he is still stuck in the fridge.
Q: Sally must cross an alligator-infested river in order to safely make it out of a huge jungle. Usually, the alligators would kill any animal that approaches their waters. However, Sally makes it across safely. Why?
A: All the alligators are at the lion king’s birthday party.
Q: Unfortunately, Sally still dies. How did she die?
A: She was hit in the head by a falling brick.
Geek: "May the force be with you!" Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration." "
A Woman of Good Reason
A farmer took his truck in for repairs. The local mechanic's couldn't do it while he waited: so, as he didn't live far, he said he would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem. - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" she asked.
"Well, “ said the farmer, “as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would gladly walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."
“Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket,” suggested the little old lady, “carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
“Why, thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he said. “'Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.” The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?” “Holy smokes lady!”, the farmer said. “I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
“Well, if you WERE to do such a thing,” the old lady replied, “you would set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I would hold the chickens.”
Why do Communists drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
The Blind Guy at the Bar
A blind man enters a bar, carefully, and finds his way to a barstool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes very, very quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blond, and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
“Nah," says the blind guy, "not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,
'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied: 'They're as clean as cold water can get ‘em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch, the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked: 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said: 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled: 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted:
'Coldwater, go lay down now, ya hear me!?!'
A man walked into the bar and saw an old friend of his, drinking by himself.
Approaching his friend, he commented, "You look awful. What's wrong?"
"My mother died in May and left me $15,000," the friend answered.
"Boy, that's tough," the man replied.
Continuing, the friend said, "Then in June, my dad died leaving me $50,000."
"Gosh, both parents gone in such a short period of time? No wonder you're depressed," said the man.
"Last month my aunt died and left me $10,000," the friend added.
"That's a lot to deal with. Losing three close family members in three months, is terrible!" replied the man.
"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing! Not even a single dime!"
A chemist plants a seed. He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
Why Didn't You Avail Yourself, Sir?
A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost 24 hours on the road, they're felt too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room, but they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
What's 6 inches long and starts with a p? A sh*t (think about it)
I Know Exactly Where to Put You
One day, three unemployed factory workers heard that a large food company was enlarging and needed more staff.
So they went downtown to see if they could get themselves a job.
After filling out their applications, each one was interviewed and each one managed to get hired.
As they were waiting to be assigned their new duties, a foreman came by and spoke to the hiring boss.
The foreman told the boss that he didn't think it was such a good idea as one of the workers had snapped for no apparent reason at his last job.
Also, a second was said to have had cracked up after severe mental stress. The third, he believed was their father who he felt was a bit odd but he couldn't put his finger on it. The hiring boss reassured the foreman and said that they would start on something easy and after a week, the company would re-assess them to see if they would be kept on. The foreman reluctantly agreed and asked the boss where he thought they should start.
The boss replied, "Why not take them and put them in our Cereal Division - Snap, Crackle, and Pop should work out fine down there."
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Why is FISHING better than DATING?
You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and make it promises.
When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good.
If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.
Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.
In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In love you lie to still be friends after you let it go.
You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.
You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler.
If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie at the minimum.
Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea? Because it helps fight free radicals.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
A Camel and His Mom Have a Discussion
A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?"
The mother replied, "Well son when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand."
Two minutes later the young camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?"
They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert," the mother said.
"Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?"
"They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time."
"So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water."
"Yes dear," said the mother.
"So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray. "No I have enough to carry as it is."
Which One Do You Save?
A 65 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to bingo.
Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest?"
The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, which one would you save first?" So, because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, I am learning to swim!"
A few days later, her son and his wife were quarreling again, and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked: " now tell me! If your mom and I fall into the water, whom will you save first?"
The husband replied: "I don't have to get into the water. My mom knows how to swim, she will save you."
The wife refused to relent: "No, you have to jump into the water, and have to save one of us. Which one will it BE?"
Her husband replied: "Then I'm sorry to say you'll die anyway because I don't know to swim, and my mom will definitely save me first!"
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
In life, there are really only two things to worry about.
Either you are well, or you are sick: If you are well, there's nothing to worry about!
If you are sick, there are two things to worry about.
Either you get better, or you die.
If you get better, there's nothing to worry about!
If you die, there are two things to worry about.
Going to Heaven, or going to Hell.
If you go to Heaven, there's nothing to worry about!
If you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends that you won't have time to worry...
So why worry at all??
I know that 70% of the human body is composed of H2O, but the tall drink of water I'm looking at is probably 97%.
The Hilarious Idiosyncrasies of English
English is a funny language, wouldn't you say?
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
4. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
5. The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?". She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegans eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
A wealthy man died and went to heaven.
He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter, who welcomed him warmly and told him he will be taken to his forever heavenly dwelling. He then led him down the streets of gold. They passed castle after fantstaic castle, then huge mansion after mansion, then beautiful cottages, until they came to the very end of the street and Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little wooden shack that looks like its about to fall down.
“Welcome Home.” said Saint Peter.
“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.
“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.
Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water.
The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.
He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass.
It writhed for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died.
"Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
What do dolphins need to stay healthy? Vitamin Sea!
Little Johnny and the Alligator
So one day, Grandma sent her grandson Little Johnny down to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him.
He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.
"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
It is the middle of the night and Laura wakes up to find that her husband is out of bed. She dresses in her robe and goes downstairs to find him sitting in front of a turned off TV, holding a cup of coffee and looking into the distance, lost in some sad thought.
"What's the matter, honey?" she asks. "Why the heck are you down here at this hour?"
Her husband looks up at her. "Do you remember when we started dating, when you were just 17?"
"Sure." She answers, puzzled.
Her husband groaned in sadness. "And do you remember when your father the sheriff caught us fooling around?"
"Yes, of course."
"And do you remember how he shoved his shotgun in my face and said: 'You either marry her or I'll put you in jail for 20 years?"
"Yea I do, why are you so nostalgic all of a sudden?!?" she demanded to know.
The husband wiped a tear from his cheek and said:"It's just... I would have been out today."
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats? Avocadonts.
Top 10 Blonde Inventions
No one can say blondes haven't done their share of inventing. Here are 10 ingenious blonde inventions:
1. The water-proof towel.
2. Solar powered flashlight.
3. Submarine screen door.
4. A book on how to read.
5. Inflatable dart board.
6. A dictionary index.
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter.
8. Powdered water.
9.Pedal-powered wheel chair.
10. Water-proof tea bag
Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs mating in someone's yard.
The driver says, "That is great. My wife and I do that every night."
The passenger replies, "My wife is conservative, she likes it the old-fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do this, I would like to try it.”
The driver says, "Give your wife two drinks and she will be all set."
The next morning they're cruising along and the driver asks, "How was it?"
The passenger answers, "It was great, but it took my wife ten drinks."
The driver looks at him funny and says, "TEN drinks?"
The passenger says, "Yea, after two she was more than willing to make love that way, but it took her eight more to get her out on the front lawn!"
A woman joins a country club and one day hears the guys talking about their golf round.
She says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"
No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 am." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."
She's there at 6:30 am sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.
They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
After the game they decide to have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse.
Finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "Well I'm ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willy points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical and burst into laughter. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the them asks, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
"Then I'm fifteen minutes late."
You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.
Jesus & Moses Go Golfing
Moses, Jesus, and an old man were enjoying a friendly round of golf together.
Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap. Moses then parted the water and chipped the ball onto the green.
Jesus stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap. Jesus just walked onto the water and chipped the ball onto the green.
The old man stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and headed for the water trap. But, just before it fell into the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth. As the fish was falling back down into the water, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the fish in its claws. The eagle flew over the green where a lightning bolt shot from the sky and barely missed it. Startled, the eagle dropped the fish.
When the fish hit the ground, the ball popped out of its mouth and rolled into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus sighed and turned to the old man:
"Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around we won’t bring you next time."