When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
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