Rude Jokes

These jokes are either very rude or quite gross.

The Italian Mama
The Italian Mama Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you. " So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
Three Spinsters and a Wish
Three Spinsters and a Wish Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.” The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.” With a bang, she’s gone. The second says: “I want to be Madonna.” She also disappears immediately. The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.” St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says. “Sara Pipalini,” replies the old spinster. St Peter shakes his head and says: “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.” The old woman then takes a newspaper out of her purse and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says: “No, my dear woman, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”
The Signal for Lovemaking
The Signal for Lovemaking Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have se* with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have se* with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have se*, reach over and pull on my penis fifty times."
A Shocking Royal Visit
A Shocking Royal Visit The Queen of England was visiting one of London's top hospitals recently, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my God!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry." said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a BJ. "Oh my God!", cried out the Queen, "What's happening in THERE??" "Same issue, better health plan." Replied the doctor.
Undeveloped
Undeveloped Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yea it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long.”
Little Johnny Learns About Heaven
Little Johnny Learns About Heaven Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming!" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
The Moral Test
The Moral Test We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married. My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it’s a really good idea. My girlfriend? She's a keeper. But there is something that bothers me. This something is her little sister. This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law , wearing a super skinny, mini skirts and short blouses. Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear. She never did that in front of someone else. One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations. When I arrived she was alone. She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she can’t overcome them. She also said that she desperately wanted to make love with me just once before I marry her sister. I was shocked. Couldn't say a word. She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her. I froze and looked at her going up the stairs. Going up, she took her panties off and threw it at me. I stayed there for a moment and then, resolute, turned on my heel and made for the door I opened it and I walked to the car. My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!" Moral Lesson: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Greek vs. Italian
Greek vs. Italian Two old men are arguing about history and the splendors of athens and Rome. the Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!" The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!" The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!" The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!" The Greek man says "Yes, but we created beautiful architecture like the Parthenon!" The Italian says "And we improved your building techniques, and used them to create aqueducts and structures that stood for centuries longer!" The Greek man, frustrated, finally says "Ah, of course. But the Greeks, we INVENTED lovemaking!" The Italian man says "That may be true, but WE introduced it to women!"
The Dirty Dishes
The Dirty Dishes Chad wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." Saying so, he hands Chad a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. Chad is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Chad decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and makes love to her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her in every position right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Chad remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the bloody dishes."
The Captain's Loyal Steed
The Captain's Loyal Steed Captain Burntwood is an officer of the Union army. One day, his unit gets overran by an overwhelming ambush by the Confederate army. He is captured and taken to a Confederate garrison where he is brought up to General Scamelot. To his surprise, he is greeted warmly and served a sumptuous lunch and aged bourbon by his captors. "I'm sorry, Captain Burntwood, but we cannot let you go." General Scamelot says. "You are responsible for the death of so many of my men. But we do respect your abilities and what you do for the love of your country, so we will make sure you are comfortable and well-treated. But tomorrow, you face the firing squad but will be given due honors befitting an officer's death. Do you have any last wishes?" Captain Burntwood puts down his glass of bourbon and says, "I do, let me speak with my horse." Intrigued by this request, General Scamelot leads him out to the stables. Captain Burntwood takes the horse by the reins and whispers into its ears. The horse whickers and trots out towards the gate. Still intrigued, General Scamelot waves off the guard that tries to stop the horse and the horse walks out of the garrison. Two hours later, the horse returns with a lovely lady on it. Captain Burntwood cries out and embraces his wife. Quickly understanding (and much nudge-nudge, wink-wink with his fellow Confederates), General Scamelot welcomes the captain's wife and proclaims that he too is married and completely understands, sorry about tomorrow, but they may make generous use of his very own quarters. The couple spends the night at the general's quarters and, come dawn, Captain Burntwood is paraded onto the grounds where a squad of soldiers are loading their rifles. A priest prays with the captain and then he is brought to the general. "Captain, have you any last words?" the general asks. "I do, General Scamelot, but I would say it to my horse." Captain Burntwood says. At the general's assenting nod, Captain Burntwood walks up to his horse, grabs it by the ears and screams, "Posse! I said bring me my posse!"
The Cartwheels
The Cartwheels A teen came to her mom and said "mom! I've got 10 dollars" Her mom said "Where from?" "Tommy from down the road he dared me to do a cartwheel" she replied "Dear that boy is just trying to see your panties!" "oohh" the girl says The next day the girl comes to her mom and says "Mommy I've got 20 dollars!" "I told you not to trust that boy!" "No mom I tricked him, I didn't even wear panties today!"
The Typing
The Typing A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to make love without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word 'Typewriter'. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
The Sad Occasion
The Sad Occasion One day, a senior man awoke and made his way to the community breakfast room of his nursing home. \ He looked awful, quite forlorn. Ms. Rudder, a nurse, met him in the hallway. She greeted him smilingly and asked how he was this day. Mr. Ferguson allowed that not all was well; in fact, his penis had died during the night. Ms. Rudder knew that Mr. Ferguson was occasionally a little off mentally, so she merely replied that she was sorry to hear the bad news and went on her way. The next morning Mr. Ferguson was on his way to breakfast again but on this day he was dressed in a coat and tie, and his penis was hanging out of his pants. Sure enough, he met Ms. Rudder whereupon, although somewhat startled, she calmly reminded him that the day before he had told her his penis had died and asked why it was hanging out of his pants. "Today is the viewing."
The Palm Reader
The Palm Reader Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. The mysterious old woman greeted him warmly and said: "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future." Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend." "That's true," said Paul. "Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?" "Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?" "Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."
The Priest, the Nun and the Camel
The Priest, the Nun and the Camel A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.' 'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..' 'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?' 'Anything, Father.' 'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.' 'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.' The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting on their beauty. 'Father, could I ask something of you?' 'Yes, Sister?' 'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?' 'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied, lifted his robe, and he was sporting a huge erection. 'Sister, you know that if I insert this in the right place, it can give life...' Said the priest with a hopeful smile. 'Is that true Father?' Asked the nun. 'Yes, it is, Sister.' His smile grew. 'Oh Father, that's wonderful... stick it in the camel and let's get the heck out of here!'
Half Way There
Half Way There An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 20 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's half as long as theirs?!?" "No, but it's the same color."
Pub and Sausage
Pub and Sausage Sean and Mickey are planning to go out on St. Patrick's Day, but only have 50 cents between them.  Sean has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Mickey, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage.  Mickey is really pissed off at first that Sean spent their last money on a sausage, but Sean lets him in on his plan. "We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it."  So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Sean suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out. Sean says: "see it works, we didn't pay did we?"  As Sean's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it.  By the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Mickey isn't looking to good. They have just finished their pints. Mickey: "I can't do this anymore Sean my bloody knees are hurting like heck." Sean: "No worries mate... I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!"
A Small Problem
A Small Problem A young couple took their little boy to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their son appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor could find no reason for it. However, the mother continued her search and after weeks of asking around, gets to an old wise woman who everyone swears knows more strange cures than anyone alive. "Feed him pancakes!" She declares immediately. "People won't believe it but it'll solve your problem!" The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, mom," he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father."
The Naked Girl and the Shoe
The Naked Girl and the Shoe A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do... he's in too far!"
Grownup Words
Grownup Words A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'grownup' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use grownup words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use grownup words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Sh*t."
Dinner Table Manners
Dinner Table Manners During a good manners and etiquette class being held for high-schoolers, the teacher says to her students: "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?" Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss." The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part." Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute." The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant." And Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner..."
Can You Clarify?
Can You Clarify? An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. “How do you feel about making love?” he asked, rather tentatively. “I would like it infrequently,” she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered: “Is that one word or two?”
The Newlyweds and the Can of Paint
The Newlyweds and the Can of Paint Three couples went to visit the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without making love for two months and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed. Two months went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was a bit tough the first month but then it was not a problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until the woman dropped a can of paint. "A can of PAINT??!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed husband. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust just took over." The minister just shook his head and said: "You two sinners are not welcome in my church!" "That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either."
3 Old Ladies and the Flasher
3 Old Ladies and the Flasher Three old ladies, Gertrude, Maude and Tilly, were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation. Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the park. He was holding his coat together with his hands and didn't seem to be wearing anything underneath it. The young man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat in one quick motion. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Seeing her friend's reaction, Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble then her friends, couldn't quite reach that far...
The Prodigy
The Prodigy A first-grade teacher, Ms. Williams, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Jerry, what's your problem?" Jerry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 5th grade!" Ms. Williams had had enough. She took Jerry to the principal's office. While Jerry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal that this was an exceptionally bright kid. The principal told Ms. Williams he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Jerry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Jerry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Jerry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Williams and tells her, "I think Jerry can go to the 3rd grade" Ms. Williams says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Jerry both agreed. Ms. Williams asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Jerry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Williams: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Jerry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Williams: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Jerry: "Pants." Ms. Williams: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Jerry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Williams: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Jerry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Williams: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Jerry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Williams: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Jerry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Jerry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."
This Caddy Has It All
This Caddy Has It All A man and his wife were driving through the country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill it up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump. "What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille." "What features does it have?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, an 8.8 liter V12 engine." "Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"
A Circus Visit
A Circus Visit Little Timmy and his parents went to the circus. When the elephants came out into the ring, Timmy turned to his mom and asked, "What's that hanging down from that elephant? "His mom said, "That's the elephant's trunk." Timmy said, "No, not that. Back underneath the elephant." His mom, embarrassed, said. "That's nothing." Timmy isn't satisfied with her response, and turns to his father, "Dad, what's that hanging down underneath that elephant?" Dad says, "That's the elephant's penis." "Mom said it was nothing." "I know, son. I've really spoiled that woman."
Are You Available For the Night?
Are You Available For the Night? I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up, you know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says, ....oh God, she sounded sexy!! "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like for you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. You name it, we'll do it. Bring anything you want." She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
Russia vs. USA Wrestling
Russia vs. USA Wrestling A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'Pretzel' hold he has, whatever you do don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered,"well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw his genitals right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could." "So, the trainer exclaimed, 'that is what finished him off?!" "Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own junk."
Keeping It All Inside
Keeping It All Inside A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. She was still feeling bloated from lunch, so she was fearful of farting in front of her date, who hadn’t arrived yet. It wasn’t long before she actually did let one out, but she managed to cover up the sound with a fake cough. She continued waiting for her date to arrive, but wanted to make sure everything was perfect. As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop that!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Certainly, madam. Which way was it headed?"