Welcome to hell, if hell had a really twisted sense of humor (which it probably does). These are terror, horror and just pretty f**cked up to be honest. You sure you want to continue? Alright, consider yourself warned, as we cross the gates into Dark Short Jokes...

I’ve been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it’s starting to get serious…
She’s asked me to move out with her.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
My childhood was like a game of chess.
My dad always beat me.
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits into your wife’s clothes.
Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed in my life.
Like my name, address and telephone number.
What does a serial killer do when he finds Waldo?
Wears Waldo.
The other day my dad was making pea soup and cutting up onions
I started to cry because Onions was a good dog.
Did you know that a piranha can eat a kid down to the bone in 8 seconds...
anyways I lost my job at the aquarium today
My wife always says the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon.
A man awoke in a hospital bed after a brutal accident. He shouted “doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied “I know you can’t, I’ve cut off your arms.“
What does a doctor use to cover his mistakes?
Dirt.
My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.
Tomorrow, Ill bring my MP5.
What did the girl say when she was stung by a bee?
Nothing, she was allergic.
How do you make a plumber cry?
You kill his family.
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
The drill slipped.
Person: "Where do I commit suicide?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Person: "Good idea."
Baby are you a toaster? Because I'd like to take a bath with you.
What’s a similarity Cliff Hanger and Nooses?
They both leave you Hanging.
Life is like a box of chocolates... mostly disappointing.
The more suicidal people there are the less suicidal people there are.
How do you get a depressed person out of a tree?
You cut the rope.
A man walks into the library.
“Hello ma’am I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide.”
The librarian replies: “Whose going to bring it back?”
Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words.
“Ho ho ho!”
Why are priests called father? Because its too suspicious to call them daddy.
How do you start a rave? Throw a flash light into an epileptic children’s ward.
My family is like a treasure.
You need a map and shovel to find them.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person?
You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.
Titanic: “And I’m nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!”
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.