Welcome to hell, if hell had a really twisted sense of humor (which it probably does). These are terror, horror and just pretty f**cked up to be honest. You sure you want to continue? Alright, consider yourself warned, as we cross the gates into Dark Short Jokes...

You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?
It's the mask era.
What do you call a toddler with a gun?
Infantry.
I just flew in from Chernobyl... And boy my arms are legs.
My horoscope said I was going to get my heart broken in 12 years time.
So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up!
Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
“Working from home.”
Why do riot police get up early?
To beat the crowds.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In little knotsies
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now.
But no, she’s still alive.
It's only kamikaze if it came from the Kamikaze region in Japan...
Otherwise it's just plane suicide.
I w‌‌as screwing m‌‌y s‌‌ecretary u‌‌p t‌‌he butt w‌‌hen m‌‌y w‌‌ife w‌‌alked i‌‌n.
She s‌‌aid, "‌‌You c‌‌an't d‌‌o t‌‌his t‌‌o m‌‌e!"
I s‌‌aid, "‌‌I k‌‌now... t‌‌hat's w‌‌hy I‌‌'m d‌‌oing i‌‌t t‌‌o h‌‌er.
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
Why do orphans love boomerangs?
Because they actually come back.
What's worse than seeing a spider run over your pillow?
Hearing it run over your pillow.
What's the difference between an American and a Muslim teenage girl?
The American teenage girl gets stoned before s*x.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.
Hitler got so pissed at the 1936 Berlin Olympics, he decided to finish the race himself.
If you major in a field you love, you'll never have to work another day... because that field is probably not hiring.
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"
The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male."
They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS."
I was upset that my mom had sewn patches onto her sweater.
Patches was a great cat.
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
I'm using a bra for a face mask.
I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.
People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??
What quarantine really taught me?
That you don't really need fun to have alcohol.
What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?
They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
What did the man with no hands get for his christmas gift?
Gloves.

Just Joking. He still hasn't opened the gift.