There’s no trick in these pants.
Baby are you a toaster? Because I'd like to take a bath with you.
You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?
It's the mask era.
How do you start a rave? Throw a flash light into an epileptic children’s ward.
If you major in a field you love, you'll never have to work another day... because that field is probably not hiring.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epileptic vegetables?
Seizure salad.
My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.
So a guy is walking with a young boy into the
After a while the boy says: "Hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared.”
“How do you think I feel?" Said the stranger. "I have to walk back alone."
Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words.
“Ho ho ho!”
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are molesters, there’s no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.
"AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”
What did the man with no hands get for his christmas gift?
Gloves.
Just Joking. He still hasn't opened the gift.
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."
Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body? Would you mind one more?
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
The drill slipped.
It's only kamikaze if it came from the Kamikaze region in Japan...
Otherwise it's just plane suicide.
I can't believe I got a life sentence for a little insider trading.
The judge called it "organ harvesting", but that's just semantics.
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis...
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
Dad jokes are like Corona.
Everybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.
I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and I’m not gonna die the same way.
Why are people buying so much toilet paper because of the corona virus?
Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves.
I’m no vampire but I’m fine with getting no sleep and biting your neck all night.
What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.
A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his dick. The Bartender asks him why And the Pirate says: Argh, It’s driving me nuts.
Why did the vampire get a COVID test?
Because he was COFFIN.
Did you know that a piranha can eat a kid down to the bone in 8 seconds...
anyways I lost my job at the aquarium today
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.
A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus."
To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:
I'm not letting you out.
What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.
The more suicidal people there are the less suicidal people there are.
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
What do you call a 60 year old with a bomb?
Suicide Boomer.
I'm tired of this old broom. Got anything else I can ride?
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Mega sore ass
Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed in my life.
Like my name, address and telephone number.
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
Who did the blind man fight in the bar?
The coat rack.
While it’s taking a while for the Corona virus to reach other countries, China got it right off the bat.
With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”
What does a person with Covid like to drink?
Coughy.
Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
“Working from home.”
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits into your wife’s clothes.
I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching...
To reverse and leaving the scene.
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person?
You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
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