There once was a man from Peru. Who dreamed he was eating his shoe. He woke up at night. With a terrible fright. To find out his dream had come true!
I am a dog. And you are a flower. I lift my leg up. And give you a shower!
I eat my peas with honey. I've done it all my life. It makes the peas taste funny. But it keeps them on the knife!
There was a young lady of Kent. Whose nose was most awfully bent. She followed her nose, One day, I suppose, And no one knows which way she went.
If I were a furry bear. And had a furry tummy. I'd climb into a honey jar And make my tummy yummy!
A wonderful bird is the pelican, His bill will hold more than his belican, He can take in his beak Enough food for a week But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
What's with this Daylight Savings Time? It steals our sleeping, snoozing time Roll out of bed and take a breath And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be It's way too dark out there to see Coffee? Yes, I need two cups To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun For Monday's way-too-early "fun" It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here! My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be? I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE??? The end of day has almost come The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine! I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
Taking a romantic ride today, We sat upon the wagon. Suddenly the horse lifted his tail And we heard a roaring dragon!
The deafening sound hurt my ears And the smell burned the hairs in my nose. My girlfriend sat and glared at me. Somehow my fault I suppose.
It was my idea to take the ride, But how was I to know? It really wasn't in my plans; Didn't know the horse would blow.
The noise and the smell were bad enough, As the wind blew quickly by. But I think the very worst of it, Was the brown stuff in my eye.
My girlfriend's face turned angry red. So I figured I wouldn't dare, Advise her of the smelly pieces Of horse stuff in her hair.
The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away, Stubbornly lifting her chin. I think that horse was enjoying himself, Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.
A lesson learned for me today. Although I must confess, I laughed so hard I nearly cried As I wiped away the mess.
(by Annabel Sheila)
I've fallen in love- I don't know why I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.
Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota But that doesn't change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you're bereft. If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision. She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.
I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind. And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(By Andrew Jefferson)
They do it without realizing, They don't really have a clue, Reading between the lines, Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument, They think they're always right, No matter what we say or do, They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones, And never take the rap, If they call us moody bitches, Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
“I cannot go to school today," Said little Peggy Ann McKay. “I have the measles and the mumps, A gash, a rash and purple bumps. My mouth is wet, my throat is dry, I’m going blind in my right eye. My tonsils are as big as rocks, I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox And there’s one more--that’s seventeen, And don’t you think my face looks green? My leg is cut--my eyes are blue-- It might be instamatic flu. I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke, I’m sure that my left leg is broke-- My hip hurts when I move my chin, My belly button’s caving in, My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained, My ‘pendix pains each time it rains. My nose is cold, my toes are numb. I have a sliver in my thumb. My neck is stiff, my voice is weak, I hardly whisper when I speak. My tongue is filling up my mouth, I think my hair is falling out. My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight, My temperature is one-o-eight. My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear, There is a hole inside my ear. I have a hangn
Our school trip was a special occasion. But we never reacher our destination. Instead of the zoo. I was locked in the loo. of the toilet at the service station!
That's not my age; it's just not true. My heart is young; the time just flew. I'm staring at this strange old face, And someone else is in my place!
The people upstairs all practise ballet Their living room is a bowling alley Their bedroom is full of conducted tours. Their radio is louder than yours, They celebrate week-ends all the week. When they take a shower, your ceilings leak. They try to get their parties to mix By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks, And when their fun at last abates, They go to the bathroom on roller skates. I might love the people upstairs more If only they lived on another floor.
An elderly man called Keith. Mislaid his set of false teeth. They'd been laid on a chair. He'd forgot they were there. Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
When I'm old and mankey. I'll never use a hanky. I'll wee on plants. and soil my pants!
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told. They run and play along the streets of Gold. Why is heaven such a doggie-delight? Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
She fell into the bath tub. she fell into the sink. she fell into the rasberry jam. and came out pink!
King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown. "Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown." Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar, The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar. "Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution! Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?" The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math. His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath. He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in. He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin. "The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know When any golden solid has a density too low!" "Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind". Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!
(by Robert Z)
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed, I enjoy the imagination inside my head Until I hear racket beside my bed. It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm. Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on. Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned; It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder. Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us. Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
I made myself a snowball As perfect as could be. I thought I'd keep it as a pet And let it sleep with me. I made it some pajamas And a pillow for its head. Then last night it ran away, But first it wet the bed.
When I got home from camp today, My parents almost died. They asked me how I got this way, And here's what I replied:
This little cast from heel to hip Is nothing much at all. Some broken shingles made me slip From off the dining hall.
The poison ivy's not too bad. It missed my back and chest. Of course, I guess I oughta add Mosquitoes got the rest.
I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts And cracked a tooth or two. And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts? I haven't got a clue.
I got the lump that's on my head From diving in the lake. I should've watched for rocks instead Of grabbing for the snake.
That leaves this bandage on my chin And these three finger sprains, Along with lots of sunburned skin And sniffles from the rains.
I also got a muscle cramp And very nearly drowned. It's some terrific summer camp, The coolest one around.
(By Richard Thomas)
Funny Poems Page 1
One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:
Briefcase with an Engine Poet: John McLeod
Fit your briefcase with an engine Go skateboarding in the sun Loop the loop, do aerobatics, Laugh a lot and have great fun!
'Cook a snook' at paper empires Save a forest, every tree And remember, above all, To do it happily!
It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!
Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say
There once was a child in Spain. Who loved to play in the rain. One day he tripped. And broke his hip. Now he is in serious pain.
Last night at dinner we had some fish, and though I tried, I did not finish. My mother told me while I chewed, brains loved fish over all other food.
My dog is quite hip. Except when he takes a dip. He looks like a fool, when he jumps in the pool, and reminds me of a sinking ship.
To keep your marriage brimming With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.
There once was a girl named Sue. She came down with the case of the flu. She let out a sigh, "My temperature is high, what ever shall I do? Oh my! Oh my! I think I will die. What ever shall I do?"
So, she stumbled out of bed. "I know I'll take some meds. If this the flu, I take an aspirin or two. Then I'll drink some broth and some juice. Oh my! Oh my!" she began to cry. "I think this is acute."
So, she grumbled back to bed and pulled the covers over her head. She let out a sneeze, a cough and a wheeze. "Won't someone help me, please? Oh my! Oh my! Will I survive the case of the crazy flu?"
So, she finally fell asleep. She slept and slept for a week. She tossed and turned, her symptoms have passed. Her temperature normal at last. "Oh my! Oh my! I think I survived this case of the crazy flu."
They said I was an "old fart" But I hardly think that's true My boobs were done in '75 But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered I have 20/20 sight Though I like to sit on 50k And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old" But "fart" is another matter For I think the valves that seal the gas Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity And make me feel antique Sometimes when I sneeze or cough I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug With a body like brand new Just remember in 30 years This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
I own a big fat cat- The fattest for miles around. Wherever there's lots of food, That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating. It's a talent, I suppose. I'm sure if he keeps at it He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat- He weighs at least a ton. He couldn't run to save his life. Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen. (I'm sure we all know why.) He eats just about everything, So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher, I'd like to tell you straight, I might have "accidentally" dropped My homework in his plate.