There are few things kids love more than a good laugh. They absorb jokes like a sponge (along with everything else) and love nothing more than to tell them to others. This collection has no less than 100 funny one liners you can tell children to give them a great laugh and something to teach their friends!
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut? I'm a cashew!
What’s a good name for a detective? Mr. E
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces? Knot bad
What did one wall say to the other wall? "I’ll meet you at the corner!"
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears? Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes. Dark, isn’t it?
What is brown and sticky? A stick!
Why are elephants so wrinkled? Because they take too long to iron!
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday? Because people kept toasting him!
Knock Knock Who's There? I eat grape. I eat grape who? You eat grey poo!
Why do sharks swim in saltwater? Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." "Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup! What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Can February March? No. But April May.
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why. 'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny. 'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.' Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever. 'Now what is it ?' asked his dad. 'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt!
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?" His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?" Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."