A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
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