I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.