Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.
I hope for world peas.
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
Icy what you did there.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
What are you doing hanging out in aisle 3? You clearly belong in aisle 9. Aisle 10 is within arm's reach but that all depends on whether or not you'll have dinner with me.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
Are you a 45-degree angle, because you’re perfect.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
You are one well-defined function!
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.