Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.