“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan