Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Can I be Candide with you?
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
I like your tight end
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.