Everyone wants to raise healthy and happy children, so before we bring them into the world, we try to really prepare ourselves by reading as much information about raising children as we can, so we can achieve that goal. However, most future parents think that they should only prepare for things like providing the right education, recommended disciplinary practices, and how to get children to sleep, and they forget other preparations that are just as important. If you are planning to have children or if you’re already a parent and just want to have a laugh, get to know the 8 exercises you need to do to properly prepare for this essential change in your life.
1. Preliminary preparation for men and women
Women should prepare for pregnancy by using the following exercise:
- Put on a dress and shove a sack full of beans into it.
- Stay with the sack in the abdominal area for 9 months.
- After 9 months, remove 5% of the beans in the bag and stay this way for as long as possible.
Men should prepare for economic expenditures:
- Go to the nearest pharmacy and empty the contents of your wallet on the counter - tell the pharmacist, "help him/herself."
- Go to the supermarket and go to the branch manager. Ask the manager how you can arrange for your salary to go directly to the store.
For both sexes, it is recommended to sit together on the sofa and watch your favorite movie with a cup of hot coffee or tea - this is the last time you’ll be able to do so.
2. Preparing for the night routine
To get used to the night routine that awaits new parents, follow these steps:
- Walk around the house between 5 and 10 PM carrying a 9-12 pound sack, while the radio makes static noise at high volume.
- At 10 PM put the sack down, set an alarm clock for 12 AM and go to sleep.
- Get up at 11 PM and walk around the house with the sack to the sound of Opera until 1 AM. When the alarm rings at 12 AM, ask yourself why on earth you had to get up before that.
- Set an alarm for 3 AM.
- You probably won’t be able to sleep, so get out of bed at 2 AM and make yourself a cup of hot tea.
- Return to bed at 2:45.
- Wake up at 3 AM and sing in the dark until 4.
- Set an alarm clock for 5 AM and get up when it rings.
- Make an extremely simple breakfast.
- Do this for 5 years, and most importantly, do it with a smile on your face!
3. Dressing children preparation
We all know that children don’t make it easy to dress them, so here's how you can prepare yourself for the task:
- Take a live octopus and a bag with 8 holes.
- Try to put the octopus in a bag with each arm coming out of one of the holes.
- Practice until you can do it in less than 5 minutes.
4. Preparing the car
Even before you put children in the family car, you need to prepare yourself for how your car will be after you have kids:
- Buy an ice cream cone and shove it in your glove compartment, leave it there.
- Take a coin and push it into the CD player.
- Take a pack of pretzels and disassemble the contents on the back seat.
- Grab a rake and move it along the sides of the vehicle.
5. Preparation for a short afternoon outing
To learn how to plan short trips with your children outside the home, follow these steps:
- Once you're ready to leave, wait half an hour before you actually leave.
- Leave the house.
- Go back home, go to the bathroom, wait a few minutes, and flush.
- Get out of the house.
- Go back home and look for something you’ve lost.
- Leave the house.
- Walk down the street and examine every piece of gum, leaf, insect, or dirt on the floor - at the same time ask yourself at least six questions about each of them and say "Don’t touch it."
- Get angry and shout that you can’t tolerate this behavior any longer while being stared at by everyone on the street.
- Go back home.
6. Prepare for shopping with children
For the next exercise, you will need to use a goat. If you are planning to bring more than one child into the world, bring the same amount of goats as you want children:
- Go grocery shopping while keeping the goat/goats in your sight at all times.
- Pay for anything the goat/goats have destroyed or eaten.
7. Prepare for feeding a one-year-old child
Your child will often make it difficult to feed them, so prepare with the following exercise:
- Take a watermelon and empty its contents.
- Make a hole on either side of the watermelon.
- Hang the watermelon from the ceiling and rock it from side to side.
- Now take a spoon with pudding, and try to push it into the hole of the moving watermelon - if you pretend the spoon is an airplane, it may help.
- Keep doing this until the pudding is finished, or spill it on your clothes - if you choose the second option, you should spill some of it on the floor as well.
8. Prepare for leaving for work
The following exercise is recommended on the day you have an especially important meeting:
- Wear your most beautiful and respectable clothes.
- Mix one cup of cream with one glass of lemon juice.
- Pour the mixture over your clothes.
- Try to correct the situation with water and a damp towel, and make it worse.
- Find out that you are late and don’t have time to change clothes.
- Go directly to work and your meeting.