1. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
2. A vulture boards a plane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess says, “I’m sorry, but we only allow each passenger one carrion.”
3. What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel.
4. My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the New York City Zoo.
5. What was a more important invention than the first telephone?
The second one.
6. Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
Because they’re dead.
7. A fish swimming upriver bumps his head.
8. Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty-bodies.
9. Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar?
He got 12 months.
10. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
11. Have you heard the rumor going around about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn’t be spreading it.
13. They’re finally making a film about clocks.
Well…it’s about time!
14. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
15. My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books…
But he’s only got his shelf to blame.
16. What did one plate say to the other?
Dinner’s on me.
17. How does NASA organize a party?
18. I don’t trust atoms…
They make up everything.
19. What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
I think I’m coming down with something.