DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE
80-year old Bessie burst into the recreation room at a retirement home. She held her clenched fist in the air and announced, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouted out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thought for a minute and said, "Close enough."
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him: "Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the sheets and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to a major crossroad. The stoplight was red, but they just drove through it.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again . Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said: "Oh! Am I driving?"