I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
Why shouldn’t you trust a man who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other shit, too.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.