Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.