Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."
Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."
Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives.
The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have a garage door."
The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones."
The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn't even have a d**k."
What's the difference between the first honeymoon and the second?
First honeymoon, Niagara. Second honeymoon, Viagra.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? I didn’t make an enzyme last night.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.
Dad: "Hey son, if you keep masturbating your going to go blind."
Son: "Dad I'm over here."
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said “son, that’s three schools this year...
...maybe teaching isn’t for you.”
There once was a rabbi named Keith
Who circumcised men with his teeth
It was not for the leisure
Or the sensual pleasure
But to get at the cheese underneath.
There once was maid name of Olga,
whoes resume read rather vulga
the things she could do,
from basement to flue,
without ever letting go of ya
There once was a man from Iraq
Who had holes down the length of his c**k
When he got an erection
It'd play a selection
From Johann Sebastian Bach.
There once was a Scott named McAmeter
With a tool of prodigious diameter
'Twas not his size
That caused such surprise
'Twas his rhythm - iambic pentameter.
An insomniac young fellow named Hatches
Took a room in a whorehouse in Natchez
He still tossed and turned
half the night, but he learned
How to manage by sleeping in snatches.
There once was a man from Racine
Who was an amazing fu**ing machine
Both concave and convex
He could screw either s*x
and jerk himself off in between.
The limerick is an art form complex
Whose contents run chiefly on s*x.
It deals with virgins
And masculine urgins
for vulgar erotic effects.
There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think –
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
There once was a man from Bel Air
Who was doing his wife on the stair
But the banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who thought babies were fashioned by God,
But ’twas not the Almighty
Who hiked up her nightie –
‘Twas Roger, the lodger, by God!
There once was a man from sprocket
Who went for a ride in a rocket
The rocket went bang
His balls went clang
And he found his d**k in his pocket!
What did the letter O say to Q? Dude, your di** is hanging out.
There once was a lady named Dot
Who lived off of pigshit and snot.
When she ran out of these
She ate the green cheese
That she grew on the sides of her twat.
There was a young lady from the Azores
Whose box was all covered with sores
And the dogs in the street
Wouldn’t bark at the meat
that hung in festoons from her drawers.
There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew
Oh the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you.
Two lesbians north of the town
Made sixty-nine love on the ground
Their unbridled lust
Leaked out in the dust
And made so much mud that they drowned.
There once was a Senator from Mass
Who wanted a strange piece of ass
He lucked up and found it
But screwed up and drowned it
And now his future is past.
There once was a man from Pompeii
One day made a wife out of clay
But the heat from his prick
Turned the clay into brick
And tore all his foreskin away!
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam
Complacently stroking his madam
And he thought with mirth
On the whole damned Earth
There were only two balls and he had ’em.
To Marie Antoinette whispered Montesquieu,
“Madame la Reine, do you want to squieu?
I’ll balance your powers
For hours and hours
Until I have bend your hole a-skew.”
there once was a man from leeds
who ate a packet of seeds
within the hour
his dick was a flour
and his balls were all covered in weeds.