As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?"
"Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have se* from the rear?"
"Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"
A husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire".
The husband asks to make love.
The wife says, "No."
Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"
She responds, "Yes."
"Then I'd like to call a friend."
A boy who was born without eyelids is making national headlines as he has just undergone experimental surgery to use his foreskin to craft new eyelids. The surgery was a success and the boy is recovering perfectly. However, he will be a little cockeyed.
Masochist: Beat me, whip me, hurt me, make me feel cheap!
Do you know what the generic name for Viagra is?
My wife left me because I'm an crossdresser with no sense of direction...
So I packed up her things and right.
"It’s a boy!!! I cannot believe it – it’s a boy!! I was so overwhelmed, I literally stood there in tears"
~Mike, 32, abruptly ending his holiday in Thailand
What is a chameleon that cannot change color?
A reptile dysfunction.
I always thought that being woke up in the morning by a blowjob must be great
Until i slept on the bench in the park with my mouth opened.
I finally framed my certificate for being able to shoot my sperm 15m,
And I can’t believe how far I’ve come.
Se* is like math:
Add the bed
Subtract the clothes
Divide the legs and pray you don't multiply
A girl asked if I was into S&M. I don't really know a lot about music, but she was cute so I said "sure."
She must have figured out I was lying because she beat the hell out of me.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.
Almost all of them replied, “How the hell did you get in here?”
What's the first question they ask people in hell who died by hanging themselves?
Business or pleasure?
A man comes home and tells his wife to tell him something that is going to laugh and cry.
Wife thinks for a minute and says... "of all your friends you have the biggest di*k."
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
How do you know when a mechanic has made love?
Two of his fingers are clean.
Why does Santa Claus have a smile on his face?
He has a list of all the naughty girls.
A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.
"What are you supposed to be, then?" The host asks.
"I'm a turtle" said the man.
"How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?" Replies the host.
"Oh her?" He smiles. "That's just Michelle."
The truth was that Rapunzel didn’t want a prince to save her
She was just kinky and wanted someone to pull her hair.
What's 6 inches long, pink and makes my girlfriend moan all day?
I once dated a girl who had a beautiful seashell tattoo on her inner thigh.
It was pretty, when you put your ear on it you could smell the ocean.
A woman arrived at a party.
While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That’s a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose 'Carmen'"
"What’s your name?” she asked.
He answered "B. J. Titsengolf."
I’m making a documentary on the history of female menstruation...
It’s a period piece.
The history of human evolution is confusing.
There’s so many *Homos*, it’s hard to keep them all straight.
A woman was cleaning her 12 year old sons room
When she found a lot of bondage gear and fetish mags. She asked her husband “what should we do?”
“I don’t know,” said the husband “but I sure as hell wouldn’t spank him.”
"As has often been noted, physics is to math what lovemaking is to masturbation."
Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?"
Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."
Women defy the laws of physics...
They are easier to pick up the heavier they get.
Did you hear about the shortsighted circumciser?
He got the sack.
What does a shortsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.