Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.