What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.