You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
More candles means a bigger wish!
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!