As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
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