A little girl comes back home from school and tells her mom:
"Mommy, today I got punished for something I didn't even do!"
"What?! What do you mean?" Her mother says, angry, "I'm going to call your teacher right now! What is it you didn't do?"
A rich businessman walls down the street when he spots an old man sitting with a fishing rod next to a puddle, trying to get fish.
The businessman takes pity on the old deranged man, and invited him to eat lunch with him at the coffee shop close by.
After the meal, the businessman asks him with a smile: "So? Did you catch any fish today?"
"Sure did," answers the old man, "You're my third one."
Man: "God, how much is a million years for you?"
God: "Like a minute."
Man: "God, how much is a million dollars for you?"
God: "Like a penny."
Man: "Then, could you lend me a penny?"
God: "In a minute..."
Mark spent a year in an asylum, thinking he was a mouse. After intensive therapy, he was released. 10 minutes later he appears back inside as if all hell broke loose.
"What happened to you??" Asked his surprised doctor.
"There's a cat outside!" screams Mark.
"But Mark, I thought you got better! You know you're not a mouse!" Cried the doctor.
"I do!" Exclaims Mark, "but he doesn't know that!"
Teacher: "Daniel, if you had a dollar in your hand and you asked your dad for another dollar, how many dollars would you have in your hand?"
Daniel: "A dollar."
Teacher: "Daniel, apparently you don't know math..."
Daniel: "Apparently you don't know my dad."