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The Best Senior Joke Collection

 Bob, aged 92, and Mary, aged 89, are excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding, they pass a drugstore. Bob suggests they go in.
Bob asks to speak to the pharmacist. He explains they’re about to get married, and asks, "Do you sell heart medication?"
"Of course we do," the pharmacist replies.
"Medicine for rheumatism?"
"Definitely," he says.
"How about Viagra?"
"Of course."
"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
"Yes, the works."
"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?"
"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
"All speeds and sizes."
"Good," Bob says to the pharmacist. "We’d like to register for our wedding gifts here, please.

old couple


A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"


"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it.."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that - write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"



Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:

BFF: Best Friend Fainted 
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth 
CBM: Covered by Medicare 
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers 
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out 
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great, I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns?"

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"


old couple


An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape," says the doctor afterward. "How do you do it?"

"Well," says Mr. Smith, "I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me."

Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said.

 "I don’t think that’s anything to worry about," she says. "And on the bright side, it does explain who’s been peeing in the fridge." 



A senior citizen is chatting with his 80-year-old buddy.

"So I hear you're getting married?"


"Do I know her?"


"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Nah, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, is she good in bed?" 

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"


Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer!"



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc - 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'''

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur - be careful.'"



And just one more. . .

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.  After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied. "Arthritis."

Now, before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh!!


Cover image by N!(K -- loveforphotography / Flickr

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